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Ask HN: Low self confidence and self esteem. How to improve?

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Re: Ask HN: Low self confidence and self esteem. How to improve?

#41

Post by tomcam »

I dealt with many of these same situations by thinking it through. Often when I am in a new, challenging situation, I ask myself this: is there anyone dumber than I am who is succeeding in this situation?

The answer is invariably yes. That means that I can deal with it through sheer force of will and hard work. It helps knowing that.

For example, you say you are a good coder. That’s wonderful. It is something you can be proud of, and you should internalize it. Even if you can’t, I bet some of your peers who are not as good at programming as you are can do pretty well when they are talking. So that shows you it really is possible even for less competent people to excel in your situation.

As far as being uncomfortable when talking to people, what I do is practice all possible versions of the conversation before it takes place. I come up with objections that I think the people I am talking to might have, and I figure out how to answer them by simulating the situation in my mind in real time.

Re: Ask HN: Low self confidence and self esteem. How to improve?

#42

Post by cesidio »

Recently I just discovered something that made a big difference in improving my self esteem: a good posture. Just by being more mindful about my posture I have seen a big increase in confidence. This may help: https://www.nhs.uk/live-well/exercise/common-posture-mistake...

Re: Ask HN: Low self confidence and self esteem. How to improve?

#46

Post by martin_a »

eeZah7Ux wrote: post #37
martin_a wrote: post #4

It's a hard way and I've been struggling with this, too. I had depressions and a burn out and felt like I wasn't worth anything. Took me quite some time to realize that I'm really good at some things and that people value me for that. Those things are not always work-related, but we often define our value or our self esteem by success at work. I'm sure you're really good at something, too and people value you for tha…

Defining value and self esteem based on our skills and abilities (either work-related or not) is one of the main causes of burnout.

Hm, maybe this got lost in translation, but I found that I'm more than my work. That helped me. Your mileage may vary on this.

Re: Ask HN: Low self confidence and self esteem. How to improve?

#47

Post by martin_a »

jamesholden wrote: post #8
martin_a wrote: post #4

It's a hard way and I've been struggling with this, too. I had depressions and a burn out and felt like I wasn't worth anything. Took me quite some time to realize that I'm really good at some things and that people value me for that. Those things are not always work-related, but we often define our value or our self esteem by success at work. I'm sure you're really good at something, too and people value you for tha…

I have been trying to read Daring Greatly by Brené Brown. She discusses about how our self-worth is often tied to our abilities to do things.

It obviously is. I think it might be something about finding your place in the herd. Like "mammoth killer no. 1" or something like that. These days we might be used to think that our worth is only defined by our work. At least that was my problem.

Re: Ask HN: Low self confidence and self esteem. How to improve?

#48

Post by estsauver »

This is really the prime zone for a therapist.

Every successful tech executive I've met and gotten to know well has told me they see a therapist at least occasionally.

Your brain is your money maker. If you were totally dependent on your car for your living you wouldn't hesitate to take it to a mechanic, would you?

Re: Ask HN: Low self confidence and self esteem. How to improve?

#49

Post by ovatsug25 »

Work on self-compassion.

If you have self-compassion, you will be kind towards yourself and keep working towards your goals.

Eventually—you will develop self-esteem.

Working on self-esteem now won't help you because esteem is achieved with results—which are a product of work over time. And importantly—the results you aspire to are always a moving target because that means you are growing.

Wishing you loads of luck here!

:)

Want to deep dive? Read this paper: Self-Compassion: An Alternative Conceptualization of a Healthy Attitude Toward Oneself

:)

https://pdfs.semanticscholar.org/b357/87b9b21486d00458e85f8b...

Re: Ask HN: Low self confidence and self esteem. How to improve?

#50

Post by jaabe »

Start looking at the people you speak with and listen to what they have to say.

This may sound silly, but you’re likely not doing it right now because you focus too much on what you think they think about you.

You need to switch that external focus into an internal one, where your thoughts are your own and not filled with trying to read minds. Because I’m guessing that you can’t read minds.

So look at people and judge them, with practice you’ll eventually start to forget worrying about what they may be thinking. Hell, you might even notice that you rarely judge people negatively, and if you don’t judge them negatively, then why would they do it to you?

Another good trick is to join a group that does public speaking followed by sessions where you review each other. By doing that you’ll learn that no one is as critical of you as you fear.

But you should see a therapist, it can take years to overcome social anxiety.

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