Hacker News Board Hacker News, browsed like a classic message board
Live data from Hacker News

Married to someone with anxiety

psiloveyou.xyz

Post reply on HN
Print view View original

41–50 of 212 posts

Re: Married to someone with anxiety

#41

Post by rublev »

Frondo wrote: post #38
rublev wrote: post #11

Really glad this article was posted. I have anxiety. No idea what to do about it. I just sit here locked in my apartment all day, haven't seen anyone in weeks. Moved a friend in next door, he's extremely loud, now I haven't seen him in weeks either. I just can't. I'm just an asshole sitting here with headphones on 14 hours a day and then sleeping completely locked in a prison of my own making. To walk into the kitche…

Man, shitty situation. I hope you can find some help, either from books or professionals or the internet or a spiritual practice or whatever, because that's no way to live and you deserve a better life and inner world. One thing here did jump out at me: "... I can either lie to make him feel better or tell him what's actually up and potentially lower his quality of life and instill in him a similar amount of anxiety…

Thanks. Also re: books. If you go through my comment history you'll find some good quotes by Glenn Gould that helped me with anxiety.

Re: Married to someone with anxiety

#42

Post by Gruselbauer »

As somebody who overcame a different but similarly awful mental illness (addiction to strong opiates, mainly heroin and opium), I can't even begin to pretend I understand what people with anxiety issues are going through. But I know I've been at a point where I thought I would just pack it in, just go into a forest in winter and freeze to death. Didn't obviously and am unbelievably glad I didn't.

You know the generic tips. Get help, believe in change, keep trying. I'm not sure I want to reiterate that because none of these things were what helped me. It was a close friend, somebody I can genuinely say saved my life. And there's what imagine to be the worst problem with generalized anxiety: not easily being able to ask others for help.

Believe me, it wasn't easy for me either. But if social interaction scares you, if going out of the door is an impossibility? Man, I have no idea whatsoever how that could be improved.

Still, and this is vital, giving up for good is never the answer. I was jamming two grams of morphine per day into my veins five years ago, barely still literate and pretty much waiting for death. Back to working, back to a social and romantic life, back to... feeling good. Sober. And I'm neither stronger nor cleverer nor better than anyone else, not by a long shot.

Re: Married to someone with anxiety

#43

Post by throwaway-hn123 »

dominotw wrote: post #27

>We also made big and brave decisions like my wife quitting her exhausting job up in London and her retraining to work with young people in a college environment — stressful, but local. Looks like now that guy is mainly responsible for all the stress and anxiety of mortgage and family finances. Brave decision indeed, at least form his side, hope he doesn't catch that horrible illness too. There is some evidence that…

> Brave decision indeed, at least form his side, hope he doesn't catch that horrible illness too.

Why is it a brave decision? Do you actually think anxiety disorder is an infectious disease?

Re: Married to someone with anxiety

#44

Post by xchip »

benibela wrote: post #36

I have holes in a few of my clothes. Today I went to a shop selling needles/yarn/wool/.., so I could fix them. I arrived at the shop, was too anxious to enter and left again. Guess the holes will have to stay.

What sort of things would you do if one day you manage to overcome anxiety?

Re: Married to someone with anxiety

#45

Post by iDemonix »

benibela wrote: post #36

I have holes in a few of my clothes. Today I went to a shop selling needles/yarn/wool/.., so I could fix them. I arrived at the shop, was too anxious to enter and left again. Guess the holes will have to stay.

You're still doing than a lot of people, sometimes myself included. Just keep trying, baby steps.

Re: Married to someone with anxiety

#46

Post by thro32 »

dominotw wrote: post #35
thro32 wrote: post #4

I was married to such person for 8 years. I physically aged 40 years, and I got gray hair. My best advice is to get out NOW if you can. Maybe things are working out now, but you are barely floating. Add normal family life into picture: children, job loss, some injury, any sort of accident... and you will sink to bottom faster than a stone.

Not sure why you are being downvoted. Curious, was you wife working during these 8 years?

No, she was at home. I worked from home as well.

Re: Married to someone with anxiety

#47

Post by beat »

11thEarlOfMar wrote: post #22
thro32 wrote: post #4

I was married to such person for 8 years. I physically aged 40 years, and I got gray hair. My best advice is to get out NOW if you can. Maybe things are working out now, but you are barely floating. Add normal family life into picture: children, job loss, some injury, any sort of accident... and you will sink to bottom faster than a stone.

Consider the impact on the children of anxiety sufferers. If not successfully treated, they can suffer even more greatly than a spouse. Children are a source of anxiety even for healthy parents. If you're married to an abnormally anxious spouse, wait to have kids until/unless it is managed.

I'm married to someone with anxiety, and our now-adult daughter has anxiety issues far worse than her mother does. Mental health issues are biological and usually genetic in nature. Frankly, mental health is far worse in my own family than it is in my wife's family, so I suspect the issues our children face are genetically more my responsibility than hers.

As an extrovert, it's generally my role in the family to go deal with stuff for them and run interference socially. My wife often takes me to social functions just so I can hold the conversations for her. I know she needs it, so I do it.

Re: Married to someone with anxiety

#48

Post by deanCommie »

thro32 wrote: post #4

I was married to such person for 8 years. I physically aged 40 years, and I got gray hair. My best advice is to get out NOW if you can. Maybe things are working out now, but you are barely floating. Add normal family life into picture: children, job loss, some injury, any sort of accident... and you will sink to bottom faster than a stone.

The first love of my life had severe depression. It was heartbreaking and awful. After we ended after 2 years (not directly due to the depression), I told myself that as much as I loved her, I would never allow myself to get in a relationship with someone like that again. It's too much.

The second love of my life had issues like anyone else, but the depression and anxiety didn't REALLY manifest themselves until a year into our marriage, after we were together for 6. I wanted to run. I wanted to quit. Not from the depression alone but because she refused to acknowledge a problem until it got REALLY bad. But she promised she would work on it, she promised we'd talk to a counsellor. I stayed. She went on anti-depressants. We talked to a counsellor. We got through it. Things got good again.

But they'll never be 100%. In the year since then, there have been 2 more dips. Each time, like the last, she refused to acknowledge a problem, I faced the decision "Well, either the person I love is a terrible person who I don't want to be with, or they're suffering from something, and I need to be there to help them." Each time she finally admitted a problem, and things got better. But she doesn't want to talk to a counsellor anymore. She's too stubborn, too independent, doesn't want to admit weakness. (Not because I would judge - I'm much more the empathetic and emotionally open of the two of us). So I don't expect us to be ever 100% again.

All this to say that I would give the exact same advice as you, thro32. If you still have the choice early, get out while you can.

Re: Married to someone with anxiety

#49

Post by xahrepap »

Broken_Hippo wrote: post #37
physcab wrote: post #5

Thank you for writing this. When people talk about these issues it becomes easier and more acceptable to society and it helps lessen anxiety stigmas. As someone who suffers from anxiety and who regularly seeks therapy, I can say that the rituals that have helped me are: - Realizing that anxiety isn't who you are, but more like a disturbance that will pass - Eating, sleeping, exercising, and practicing mindfulness go…

"One piece of advice I have for you is to not take on the role of mental health professional in your relationship" So much this. My first husband was schizo-affective. I often felt I was in the role of caregiver and part-time mental health professional, all while trying to work to supoprt us both. And this was while he had medications to help him and very regular psychiatrist appointments. Looking back, I should have…

> I should have insisted on some therapy for myself as well

Yes. So much this. I suffer from pretty serious anxiety. And just a few months ago I was fighting through the worst of it. Looking back at how much my wife was doing and how stressed she was... I feel like she could've benefitted from therapy almost more than me.

I wish we as a culture can get over the therapy stereotypes. Both my kids see a therapist on a regular basis and have been for years (adopted through foster care. Lots of trauma). We've been trying to help them learn how helpful it is. It's fun to see them ... brag(?) ... about going to therapy. They are excited when I ask them after work about their day and how they got to see their friend, the therapist.

When talking to other people who feel like they need therapy but are too embarrassed, and just tell them about my kids. Ask them if they would judge them for going. Talk about how much they love it.

One day therapy will be more common!

Re: Married to someone with anxiety

#50

Post by rublev »

Broken_Hippo wrote: post #39
rublev wrote: post #31

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Yeah man thanks. >People talk to other people because they're bored, you don't have to be good at anything to have someone pass the time by talking to you. That's difficult to believe because it doesn't match up to my reality. I usually find I don't have much to talk to anyone about unless we're doing something like making music or exercising or whatever, which is impossible in my current state. I agree about the sun…

"I usually find I don't have much to talk to anyone about unless we're doing something..." I very much understand this statement. I think that's why I don't have more social contact - nothing to say, really. I mean, I think a lot, but it doesn't seem to match up with the sorts of things people talk about. And honestly, my life isn't that interesting to talk about. I draw every day, for example, but I can't really tal…

Exactly!

>"And honestly, my life isn't that interesting to talk about. I draw every day, for example, but I can't really talk about that and be interesting."

You can talk about it and be interesting, just it takes real work to talk about it and a real effort on the opposite side to listen and engage.

I can talk for hours about topic I'm super into, but at that point it feels like I'm talking at someone not with them. Unless they're equally or (ideally) more knowledgeable about the subject than me, or they genuinely just sprouted a passion for that thing and could listen to you all day (rare) but that's usually preceded with some variation of "hey man you're really good at x, can you teach me? I've always wanted to learn about x" which doesn't fall into the context of 'casual conversation', it will always be boring.

And thanks, I'm glad you have found someone as well!

Post reply on HN