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How can an introvert Asian engineer like me make friends?

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Re: How can an introvert Asian engineer like me make friends?

#391

Post by normloman »

JohnBooty wrote: post #384
normloman wrote: post #345

Earlier quoted context omitted.

What do you mean "the success of PUA" ? Do you mean success in attracting women? We can't take pick up artists at face value when they say how many women they've seduced. How do we know they don't exaggerate? Even if they don't, how can we rule out that their success rates are below average, and they succeed with brute force (asking out lots and lots of women)? Or, by success, are you referring to the popularity of p…

Wow, guy. Lots of really negative assumptions there. As I posted elsewhere on this thread, there is no substitute for genuinely caring for others. Personally, I'm known for being quite outgoing and friendly. Probably because I genuinely care about people. I don't need these kinds of guides or an "easy way out." But clearly, there are many people in the world who need help in this area. And for them, I wish there was…

Didn't mean you specifically. Meant "you" in the general sense. Should have said "We want something that doesn't exist." As in we all do. Sorry for getting personal.

Anyhow the sort of person who needs pick up artist techniques to make friends needs a lot more help than a book can provide.

Re: How can an introvert Asian engineer like me make friends?

#392

Post by crimsonalucard »

tunesmith wrote: post #340

I lived in the bay area for a few years just after college. I moved there alone without knowing any friends in the area. I'm white, american, fluent, and witty enough that I can regularly make my friends laugh. But even despite those advantages, I felt a strong sense of recognition reading this post - I felt exactly the same way about my ability to connect with people, and about the weekends. I think there's a struct…

Actually the bay area isn't that bad, structurally speaking. Having lived in the bay when I was younger then moving to LA for for college I have to tell you, everything in LA is on average at least an hour and thirty minutes away from where you are.

You must be from some place like New York City.

Re: How can an introvert Asian engineer like me make friends?

#393

Post by crimsonalucard »

dnautics wrote: post #45
sn0wBuM wrote: post #25

A few thoughts coming from a guy who used to be a shy introvert. - Making friends involves truly connecting with people. Connecting with people means caring about them. The first step is to give a damn about everyone around you. How are they doing? What do they care about? What makes them tick? What problems might they be having? - People love to talk about themselves. Ask them good questions, and actively listen (be…

I disagree. I have done years of volunteer work/helping other people and it does not help one bit with being social (it's not why I do it, so I don't care about that supposed dimension). Plus, there are plenty of terrible people who wouldn't consider doing anything except for their own self-interest who are just fine at being social. Totally orthogonal considerations. Sorry, don't mean to be cynical - I strongly enco…

There's a psychology book that researches this phenomena. I forgot the title but it starts out by saying people in general can be grouped into three categories. Givers, exchangers and takers. Givers tend to care about people, takers tend to care about themselves and exchangers try to be fair.

I don't know all the quantitative and qualitative parameters used for the study but they found out that in general the types of people who were least successful (in companies and other structured organizations) were the givers. The surprising result was that the most successful people were also givers while takers and exchangers generally hovered in the center. You'd have to read it to know more.

Unlikely you'll ever read the book but I just recalled the name, it's called Give and Take for anyone interested.

Re: How can an introvert Asian engineer like me make friends?

#394

Post by crimsonalucard »

was_hellbanned wrote: post #353

Things that worked well for me: 1) Rock climbing gyms. I made a lot of great friends at Mission Cliffs and Berkeley Ironworks. I have no natural talent for climbing, but I love the mental and physical challenge, and I enjoy the social aspect. 2) A super-social connector. When I first moved to the Bay Area, I made a ton of new connections through the marketing woman at my startup. Simply by saying 'yes' to invitations…

Asian Male here, can't deny the truth. Interesting recommendation. What is it that makes Vancouver so great (for an asian dude)?

Re: How can an introvert Asian engineer like me make friends?

#395

Post by crimsonalucard »

dnautics wrote: post #40
seeken wrote: post #33

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Any examples where you're saying no is too many. Always go! I have made it a point to always say yes and it has made a huge difference for me. I am also very shy.

After I quit my job as a scientist, I drove for lyft, and got lots of offers to hang out with passengers. So I said no a lot (needed the money, driving is donezo one you've started drinking). Now, I consider it and hang out with passengers every once in a while. I've got to be selective, as a 30-something it might not be all that fun hanging out with 20-somethings in a bar in certain parts of San Diego... I would hav…

Do you make more money driving for lyft? Why did you quit being a scientist to essentially become a cab driver?

Re: How can an introvert Asian engineer like me make friends?

#396

Post by crimsonalucard »

mephi5t0 wrote: post #230

I became a good friend with my current coworker. We went to Islanders game. We watched games in the bar. Our friendship was developing steadily. Then I went to his apartment and discovered he lives in the same building (that has 30 floors) on the same floor, in front of the guy we knew for years through my wife work. We dug thorough the old pictures and found my "new" friend on the pictures of our older friend kid's…

I think this says something about the places where we live.

Re: How can an introvert Asian engineer like me make friends?

#399

Post by nerfhammer »

dnautics wrote: post #40
seeken wrote: post #33

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Any examples where you're saying no is too many. Always go! I have made it a point to always say yes and it has made a huge difference for me. I am also very shy.

After I quit my job as a scientist, I drove for lyft, and got lots of offers to hang out with passengers. So I said no a lot (needed the money, driving is donezo one you've started drinking). Now, I consider it and hang out with passengers every once in a while. I've got to be selective, as a 30-something it might not be all that fun hanging out with 20-somethings in a bar in certain parts of San Diego... I would hav…

Is there a spread between the price of renting a car and lyft income?

Re: How can an introvert Asian engineer like me make friends?

#400

Post by Causalien »

I thought I had social interaction down pretty well. At work, I'd always have an entourage of people near my desk chatting. I see friends once a week. But i had no idea that I can be what I am now.

You know those people who can just strike up conversation with anyone? Yeah, It took me 6 months of travel. I suggest you take a gap year to travel. Hostels are the best place to practice social interaction and even if you bomb it, there is always a new group tomorrow.

believe me when I say, it is not your language skill that is lacking. You just aren't interesting enough and haven't tested out the way to converse with people effortlessly yet. As an engineer, do a trial and error if... else if ....

I know this because I met a south Korean with broken english who learned English within one year of travelling. He was the centrr of attention and he talked to everyone. The feeling was, it's just talk. Don't make such a big deal out of it. Some people are assholes and you move on.

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