How can an introvert Asian engineer like me make friends? • Hacker News Board

Re: How can an introvert Asian engineer like me make friends?

#381

Post by base698 » Tue, Jun 17, 2014, 12:59 AM UTC

jonnathanson wrote: post #173

Here is a lesson I've learned the long, hard way after 30 years of being a strong introvert: it's not how or where you meet people that counts. It's how you stay in touch. Look around you. Every day, in every situation imaginable, there are hundreds of ways to meet people. There really are. You could strike up a conversation with a stranger on a subway. You could ask for some advice from the girl ahead of you in line…

Start skydiving: http://www.uspa.org/AboutSkydiving/HowtoStartSkydiving/tabid...

There are many car pools in the bay area that head to some of the local places (Byron, Lodi, and Davis). Most skydivers are also socially awkward and come from very different walks of life. It will give you the confidence that you can do something different and scary while also being novel enough that it's a conversation starter. Though, if you monopolize the conversation that's a negative.

It didn't fix all my social anxiety, but I can't say how much it helped.

Re: How can an introvert Asian engineer like me make friends?

#382

Post by unsignedint » Tue, Jun 17, 2014, 1:17 AM UTC

I am somewhat in the same boat as the OP. I'm originally from Japan, and all his points #1, and #2 are somewhat applicable to me.

Speaking out from my experience, consider volunteering for something you are interested. I am volunteering for the anime convention for past 10+ years now and it actually does help you find new friends, because you are pretty much forced to communicate with other people. I was a bit of a lone wolf before my 20th, now I know a lot more faces than I used to be.

When it comes to more intimate relationships, then mileage may vary. Hate to say, but the #2 factors can make it very tough. Honestly, I'm struggling with that myself as well, so not much of advise I can give here... (It's a one thing if I can find someone who can embrace the way I am, then that'd be great. But I'm getting older and honestly, I just don't feel worth changing my lifestyle for...)

Re: How can an introvert Asian engineer like me make friends?

#383

Post by wcummings » Tue, Jun 17, 2014, 1:28 AM UTC

I'm increasingly convinced most people don't understand what "introvert" means. Introversion is not social anxiety or shyness, you can be an introvert and have zero problems talking to people, enjoy going out with friends and socializing etc..

Re: How can an introvert Asian engineer like me make friends?

#384

Post by JohnBooty » Tue, Jun 17, 2014, 2:37 AM UTC

normloman wrote: post #345

JohnBooty wrote: post #322

Earlier quoted context omitted.

> I did eventually learn how to make friends and it > was through PUA, pick up artist. Yeah it's > fucking weird. The PUA thing is interesting to me. People criticize it because it can be manipulative. But the success of PUA tells me that people seem to be really interested in some kind of step-by-step "system" for dealing with people. I think that's why the book "How To Win Friends and Influence People" is still pop…

What do you mean "the success of PUA" ? Do you mean success in attracting women? We can't take pick up artists at face value when they say how many women they've seduced. How do we know they don't exaggerate? Even if they don't, how can we rule out that their success rates are below average, and they succeed with brute force (asking out lots and lots of women)? Or, by success, are you referring to the popularity of p…

Wow, guy. Lots of really negative assumptions there.

As I posted elsewhere on this thread, there is no substitute for genuinely caring for others.

Personally, I'm known for being quite outgoing and friendly. Probably because I genuinely care about people. I don't need these kinds of guides or an "easy way out."

But clearly, there are many people in the world who need help in this area.

And for them, I wish there was something more positive than the PUA thing.

Re: How can an introvert Asian engineer like me make friends?

#385

Post by crimsonalucard » Tue, Jun 17, 2014, 2:41 AM UTC

crimsonalucard wrote: post #289

johnsonstalke wrote: post #248

what does being Asian have anything to do with this?

It doesn't specifically. But asian males are in general shyer and less attractive.

Just to make everyone aware that what I said above wasn't meant to be racist. I'm an asian male myself and I'm just telling reality as it is. You never really see white girls with an asian guy and a big part of that is both personality and looks. Asians tend to be short, skinny and nerdy and they don't have the sharper, more masculine facial features that white people have.

There are of course tons of exceptions to this broad generalization, but the generalization still exists.

Sorry if I offended anyone.

Re: How can an introvert Asian engineer like me make friends?

#386

Post by dsuth » Tue, Jun 17, 2014, 2:59 AM UTC

Kurtz79 wrote: post #250

eshvk wrote: post #218

Earlier quoted context omitted.

> If you're a true introvert, your biggest enemy is yourself. It's your desire to be alone. It's your preference for living by yourself, for quiet moments away from others, for nights spent at home, watching Netflix or playing games. Making friends means making an effort to hang out with them, even when it doesn't seem like the most immediately pleasurable, comfortable, or convenient thing to do at any given moment.…

"I have learned the art of being incredibly outgoing and a veritable chatterbox when need be." How did you learn ?

Introverts frequently have some good tools at their disposal to 'fake' being an extrovert - mostly observation and empathy. Being extroverted is really just putting the effort in to talk to people, and make them feel good about themselves. This builds rapport, and makes people want to talk to you more.

The best advice I can give is to look at how more naturally outgoing people communicate, and then emulate it. Ask lots of questions to get people talking about themselves. Make lots of eye-contact to encourage people and convince them that you care about what they're saying. Reply showing you're listening. Share random stuff about yourself in breaks of conversation (doesn't matter what it is really, anything personal you share also builds rapport).

You don't have to be the star of the party, but being an engaging convserationalist will help you to make excellent connections with people. The more you talk to people, the more you'll learn. If you share the things you learn with similar people, they'll get the impression that you're a social hub, and want to share more with you (because you have more to share with them). It snowballs pretty quickly.

This coming from an out-and-out introvert who has learned when to flip the switch. I was on a 10-day business trip with ~20 people recently, and towards the end confided to one of my new friends that the whole thing, while excellent, was pretty taxing on me due to my introversion. He was so shocked, he looked like I'd slapped him! Pretty funny :D

Edit: This probably goes without saying, but if you do the above, make sure you factor in downtime. Introverts playing extroverts is a very tiring game, you will probably need a day or two every now and then with next-to no interaction to recover.

Re: How can an introvert Asian engineer like me make friends?

#387

Post by NARKOZ » Tue, Jun 17, 2014, 3:01 AM UTC

You know what? I laugh at guys like you.

And the biggest reason I laugh? It's not me or somebody else doing all this. It's YOU. You, realising your problems and not doing a thing about it, but complaining anonymously on internet.

You cry about how lonely you are? Or talk about how you just don't have social life and nice ladies, and all that emo bullshit? You're a miserable weak coward, why would anybody want to be a friend with you?

Let it piss you off as much as you want, but you know it's completely true.

Many of us there are engineers and work hard most of the time doing things that we love. But if you do want to get asked out to do other fun things at weekends, then stop being that pathetic stereotypical nice guy. Create opportunities, take people out, add value to those around you and soon they'll start inviting you out just like you're inviting them out. But if you want to continue crying in the corner, then cool, cry. Just don't post it to tech related sites.

TLDR: You need to think about what you can contribute to others' lives, so that they'll be more likely to invite you out. Having a car and being a nice guy doesn't count.

Re: How can an introvert Asian engineer like me make friends?

#388

Post by nickfox » Tue, Jun 17, 2014, 3:51 AM UTC

I strongly, strongly recommend that you take up swing dancing. You do not need a partner and you do not need to know how to dance. I promise you that if you take a beginner class in lindy hop, it will be the most fun you have had in years.

It's totally unintimidating. Lessons usually run for 6 weeks and you go once a week. Usually the teachers will have everyone form a big circle and you will rotate through partners. By the end of the hour, you will have danced with 20 or 30 different people. When the instructor says rotate, you go to the next person, introduce yourself and then dance to an old 40s swing song for a minute or so. There is nothing in the world like real partner dancing (unlike that embarrassing thing that people call rock and roll dancing).

It's totally fun and you will make QUALITY friends. Not a bunch of drunk bar flys. Most swing venues do not serve alcohol. It really is a small part of the total experience.

Even if you are married, this would make a great date night. Give it a try for 6 weeks, you will love it. Here are some lindy hop places near you on yelp:

http://www.yelp.com/search?find_desc=Lindy+Hop&find_loc=Redw...

Re: How can an introvert Asian engineer like me make friends?

#389

Post by tempestn » Tue, Jun 17, 2014, 4:07 AM UTC

chojeen wrote: post #187

devish wrote: post #177

Earlier quoted context omitted.

good advice!!! today I had a breakfast with myself and it was awesome.

Was it the awkward breakfast after sleeping with yourself?

While I understand the HN mantra that every comment should add value, I personally feel that there is some value in legitimately funny comments, even if that's all they add. No need to upvote it, but did this really deserve downvotes? (It's not my comment, just figured its grey status seemed a bit harsh.) Or did the down-voters consider it insensitive? Certainly didn't read that way to me.

Re: How can an introvert Asian engineer like me make friends?

#390

Post by crimsonalucard » Tue, Jun 17, 2014, 4:08 AM UTC

anondog wrote: post #355

crimsonalucard wrote: post #281

Earlier quoted context omitted.

You got any suggestions for the "structured organization" besides the fraternity? I'm out of college now and I'm looking for a group.

This is the $64,000 question and I actually believe there might be a business (or several) to be had in this space. As people increasingly forego marriage and pursue solo lives and careers, they need more alternatives for support and camaraderie. (And these people have disposable cash.) Anyway, as it stands, I think the best option is to try to work at a place with other young, career-oriented (as opposed to family-o…

Good points. As I've gotten older I've gotten lonelier and I've been searching for the sort of bonding and friendships I experienced as a college student. As superficial as the friendships were, the friendships were in general less superficial then all the friends I made outside of college. I'm not so sure why the whole experience suddenly ends when people step out of college. I'm positive it has nothing to do with a natural process of becoming more mature or older.

I've thought about it a lot. In the end I think your therapist got it right. It's all about circumstance. You have to live in a place that promotes daily interaction with people. Dorms and fraternities promote that sort of thing not just by being in the right location but the physical geometry of dorms and frat houses encourages people to meet and hangout. The rooms in dorms and frat houses are so small that people just end up using the larger shared lounges for dinner, studying, and chilling in general. It forces and promotes daily interaction with large groups that you'll never experience in any other setting.

I think the reason why the sports thing or the young professional stuff didn't work out was because it needs to be a daily thing. Connections will always feel awkward especially for introverts because it's just not happening often enough.

Anyway back to my point of the living space. Outside of colleges I've seen this type of living space in just two places. The first place is called Cooperatives. People in coops live in the same building, do shared chores and have communal dinner. Like frat houses these places tend to be pretty ghetto but it's never lonely. The other place is a retirement home. If you've never been to one, retirement homes actually have shared spaces and dining halls where you can literally observe older people having the same kind of social interaction and politics you experienced in college living spaces. The irony of it all is the same social experience young people get living in dorms near the beginning of their lives, they'll get to experience the same thing when they near the end.

So I guess the solution is to either live in a coop, wait until your old enough to be placed in a retirement home, or get married. Unless anyone has any other suggestions?