> I was sitting alone in a café with a dog
That isn't alone though. People are anxious to sit alone in a cafe because they think it's weird being all alone. But when you're with a dog - it's a different story.
The unbearable joy of sitting alone in a café
381–390 of 456 posts
Re: The unbearable joy of sitting alone in a café
#382Earlier quoted context omitted.
The problem with the reliance on self control is the self control. You have it or you don't. While I generally agree just exercising pure self control may be a viable strategy for some, it does not work for everyone. Particularly people with ADHD do have a tendency to be easily captured by screens. I've personally struggled with adherence to my reduce screen time goals and while exercising more self control has helpe…
> You have it or you don't. To quote the Gorillaz: > That's a fallacy Self-control is not a "have it or don't" thing. It can be developed and exercised, often simply by trying and failing, and then trying again (like any exercise!). I'm not saying it's not harder for some people than others. I'm also not saying that it isn't harder to exercise on some circumstances than others. However, it's absolutely not a binary t…
It's also about building systems to help with self control. Turning alerts off would be one. Leaving the phone in another room for longer periods of time is another.
Re: The unbearable joy of sitting alone in a café
#383Earlier quoted context omitted.
Stillness isn't only enjoyable (for some), it's incredibly valuable. Stoicism and Buddhism both talk a lot about it and they're not the only ones. I make a point of sitting comfortably and doing nothing with no stimuli for 5-10 minutes every morning. Inevitably when you're still with no distractions, your subconscious starts surfacing various thoughts. There is a random element to what pops into your head, but there…
There's an argument to be made that what alcohol achieves, and what meditation aims to achieve (and often fails) is the same thing: disengaging the prefrontal cortex. Once our basic needs are met, our higher brain functions can become an impediment to happiness, since they have neither a shut off switch nor a goal threshold -- it is insatiable, and will continue to analyze threats and manufacture problems to solve.
It’s always a personal choice, but I wouldn’t equate the two in any way because alcohol is a neurotoxin, carcinogen and doesn’t scale or compound the more it’s practiced.
It doesn’t mean I might not have a drink, but I’m aware it’s triggers a “get the poison out” response from my body.
Disengaging the prefrontal cortex is one thing, lowering the inhibitions and increasing emotional volatility in the rest of the brain is hugely different.
Those things can vary between people.
Understanding we chan shift our default mode network is critical.
Meditation actually increased the connection between areas like the amygdala and prefrontal cortex allowing you to have greater calm, focus while at peace minus the racing thoughts and emotions.
Having an overdeveloped amygdala is fairly common resulting in an under developed prefrontal cortex.
Luckily neuroscience is showing the past few years that neuroplasticity is available to everyone to continue improving for their entire life.
Re: The unbearable joy of sitting alone in a café
#384I didn’t quite understand why sitting alone in a café makes you a weirdo (is it an American thing?), but the piece was very well written. We all should learn how to be without electronics for every now and then, accompanied only our thoughts. It is good for the soul. I think the important part is leaving your phone and other devices home. Be alone, without even a possibility of connecting (apart from the old-fashione…
> I think the important part is leaving your phone and other devices home. The annoying part is that this becomes increasingly difficult to impossible. For example, I can't use public transport without my phone anymore, because my ticket is bound to my phone and the provider does not issue paper tickets or smartcards anymore. Less severe but equally frustrating, many restaurants choose to use QR codes for menus rathe…
> our environment is increasingly build on the assumption that we carry a smartphone with us at any given time.
This is so true! Surprised how many commenters are saying "just have self control" etc - a phone is close to essential for a lot of services in a city.
I'd be super interested in tips people have to avoid the psychological impact phones have when they do have to take them with them. A lot of phones have "relax" or "do not disturb" modes - curious if that actually works for anyone?
Re: The unbearable joy of sitting alone in a café
#385Earlier quoted context omitted.
In order to avoid all stimulation, there is but one recourse, and it is rather final. Generally, I prefer just sitting quietly and not worrying about the definition of stimulation or whether I'm doing it correctly.
A session in a sensory deprivation tank isn't final so I'd recommend that over some other solution that is final.
Ah, but that isn't complete lack of stimulation. It's just minimization of external stimulation!
That said, I agree with you.
Re: The unbearable joy of sitting alone in a café
#386Too many negative comments here. This is just someone discovering something new and sharing it very excitedly. Almost 6-7 years ago, I read about a 30min challenge to sit upright without doing anything in a chair challenge. That changed how I think about distractions. If I had written about it, there surely will be people who would just like here say... What is so crazy about it? I do that all the time... To me, this…
Trying to sit still for 30 min without any stimulation at all (no talking, watching, reading) sounds like torture to me.
Solitude and once’s own company once learned is bliss.
The mind finds entirely new areas of stimulation when it’s not being distracted or purely having sensory experiences.
Re: The unbearable joy of sitting alone in a café
#387Earlier quoted context omitted.
People talk about this with exercise and I’ve never understood it. As someone who has exercised continuously for years - it has never gotten better. Which, to me, makes sense because you’re supposed to always be pushing yourself. You’re not supposed to ever feel comfortable or feel better from it. You should always feel shitty because if it doesn’t hurt then you’re probably not making optimal development. The only th…
I finally started getting stronger in the gym when I stopped going to failure on everything. I got in the best endurance shape by going on a steady comfortable pace for progressively longer periods of time. Harder is not always better.
I noticed the same.
Also late to the party, but creatine is the body and more importantly the brains friend too.
Re: The unbearable joy of sitting alone in a café
#388I used to work in investment banking in the city of London and later in Canary Wharf. I loved working in the city as it was a beautiful old place, people were very social and having 2-3 hour boozy lunches with someone who you might do business with one day wasn't a rarity (mind you, I moved out before covid, I understand things have changed quite a bit). Then I switched jobs and ended up in Canary Wharf. For those wh…
You should do more writing! I really enjoyed this and the way you write!
Re: The unbearable joy of sitting alone in a café
#389Earlier quoted context omitted.
> I now find it impossible to put up with boring people (which is basically everybody who has time to sit around chatting, almost by definition). You're being judgemental to call them boring. Plus widening your opinions to be a "definition" sounds like an unhealthy worldview. You likely appear boring to others. Then again I have a saying I use when anyone says they are bored - I say they are boring!
> Then again I have a saying I use when anyone says they are bored - I say they are boring! This is a very clever come back, I wonder if it might qualify as the best thought terminating cliché I've seen this year! I never say I'm bored. The universe is too interesting a place to be bored. I did mean it, that most people, individually, are what I find boring. I'd rather withdraw into my mind and work on something inte…
> I'd rather withdraw into my mind and work on something interesting
Be careful that there are social penalties for behaving like that way. When people smell an air of arrogance, they implicitly punish you.
I recommend to trick yourself into believing that people around you are worth your time. Even if it's not really true. Even if it makes you die a little inside. Just try to make it work.
And when the opportunity comes to get rid of those people from your life, grab that chance with all your heart.
Re: The unbearable joy of sitting alone in a café
#390> a cup of americano with a double shot of espresso. What is that exactly? A cup of percolator coffee with a double shot of espresso into the cup? Or a long black (a double shot of espresso filled up with hot water) plus two extra espresso shots? Or just a long black expressed in a complicated way?
> Or just a long black expressed in a complicated way?
Presumably this. Coffee terminology is (apparently) not global. I've never seen the term "long black", and I visit cafés quite a lot. Wikipedia lists it as a thing primarily in Australia/New Zealand.