Two implied beliefs jump out at me as I’m reading your post:
1. A richer social life and/or a girlfriend will fill my unbearable void
2. I lack the skill or power to enrich my social life or impress a potential romantic partner.
These two points lead me to believe that your pain is a matter of perspective as much as anything else. Let me explain.
You mentioned that on weekends, you’ve done all sorts of activities alone. So have I! Last week, I watched the Miyazaki’s last movie (The Wind Rises) at the Castro Theater by myself, I have breakfast and dinner by myself almost everyday and I take a solo hour-long stroll to the park a couple times a week after work. My point is, being alone is only unbearable if you imagine the grass on the other side to be so vibrantly green that it blinds you to your present reality. I’m not trying to say ‘hey bud, your life is awesome and you’re a fool for not seeing how great it is’. Instead, I want you to consider whether or not having a richer social life is really all that.
Putting an imagined future girlfriend on a pedestal is not only unrealistic, but it can make the present seem like a real drag. And I’m getting the sense that that’s what you’re experiencing. This may not be entirely appropriate here, but there’s a saying (not sure where it’s from) that bluntly gets to the point: “Behind every beautiful woman, there’s a guy who’s tired of fucking her.” Now, finding a beautiful lady to spend your evenings with may not be your big struggle, but the lesson I get out of it is that no singular attainment will complete your life. There are human beings with thousands of friends ands fans who are stricken by loneliness at night.
The unfortunate repercussion of having such a vivid imagination is that the whole situation has been turned into a high-stakes game of poker. Imagine! Your happiness is hanging off the perceived success of your social life. Surely, it’s heart-wrenching to strike up a conversation with a stranger who could potentially grant you happiness in the form of their friendship and acceptance or condemn you to the pain of rejection. Putting such high expectations on having a social life is debilitating. Try seeing it in the same light as opening a jar of pickles. Apply gentle force in the right spots, but if the jar is stubborn, get another jar of pickles. Whatever you do, don’t attach your self-worth to your ability to open that pickle jar!
Making friends is hard, but probably no harder than engineering. It doesn’t take a car, great conversational skills, or even suave. It just takes a tendency to try and a resistance to overthinking it. Many people gravitate towards awkward personalities because beyond it, they see innocence and sensitivity. Some women appreciate men who aren’t helplessly dependent on cars, and I know plenty of explorers who would be eager to hear about your travels upon noticing your accent. It’s short-sighted to see your accent or lack of a car as a problem. There are people who go out of their way to fake an accent because they think it’s cool! Perspective is everything.
I’ll stop here in case I’m making this more about myself than anyone else, but I’ll leave a few practical ideas that could potentially make a big difference at your current junction:
1. Live with strangers. This gives you the opportunity to bond with people on a more intimate level. It’s much easier to get past the chit-chat small-talk phase when you’re living with someone.
Added benefit: save money.
2. Love doing something. It can be intimidating going to meetups thinking you’re doing it to meet other people. Solution: Go because you love the activity. Could be coding, gardening, basketball or lock-picking. If you love the activity more than you dread the feeling of intimidation, then it becomes a no-brainer!
Added benefit: less time to overthink when you’re engaged in a thrilling activity.
3. Stop using Facebook. I have scientifically proven, through self-observation, that I am happier without Facebook than I was with it. Okay fine, there was no science involved, but I remember vividly the feeling of envy as I scrolled through everyone else’s vacation photos. No Longer.
Added benefit: strangers are sometimes interested in hearing about why I don’t use Facebook.
Background: Asian, 25 years old. Freelance software engineer. Introvert. Been living in SF for 3 months and previously in Texas.
If any of this resonates with you, I’m happy to meet up sometime. You can find me on Twitter @hangsu or GitHub (hangsu)
Best Wishes.