How to be anti-social – a guide to incoherent and isolating social experiences • Hacker News Board

Re: How to be anti-social – a guide to incoherent and isolating social experiences

#371

Post by legacynl » Sat, Apr 25, 2026, 6:11 PM UTC

svnt wrote: post #260

justonceokay wrote: post #222

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Therapy is (or at least can be!) about trying to achieve goals that you have. I’m the GP commenter above. I went to therapy twice a week for two years to get over social anxiety and my entire life has completely opened up in a new way that would never have been possible without that work. If relating to people is not a goal of yours then I would agree that you should not go to therapy for it. On the other hand, it is…

It is far more helpful to others for you to share the depths of your experience than to go around telling people they need to go to therapy because it works for you. I see the enthusiasm and that you want better things for others, but the way you are approaching this communication is not doing it justice.

Nobody knows who anybody is in these comments. It's impossible to tailor our comments to people who might read it.

Re: How to be anti-social – a guide to incoherent and isolating social experiences

#372

Post by Frederick0 » Sat, Apr 25, 2026, 6:18 PM UTC

It’s so beautiful that this blew up the author can’t believe it

Re: How to be anti-social – a guide to incoherent and isolating social experiences

#373

Post by legacynl » Sat, Apr 25, 2026, 6:22 PM UTC

bluecheese452 wrote: post #369

legacynl wrote: post #367

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Yes there is

No there isn’t.

There's plenty of research that shows treatment along with talk therapy yields better outcomes than treatment or therapy alone. If you have any evidence or anecdotes that are to the contrary I would love to hear it.

Re: How to be anti-social – a guide to incoherent and isolating social experiences

#374

Post by em-bee » Sat, Apr 25, 2026, 6:46 PM UTC

justonceokay wrote: post #305

doright wrote: post #261

Earlier quoted context omitted.

That approach doesn't work for everyone. Everything you say could be correct, but if the person thinks their feelings are not being listened to, there is a chance they still won't take your advice. One of my therapists said it was normal in her circle for people not to get onto someone's case if they're mentally unwell and have chores piling up, because it makes sense they don't have as much effort to give to all asp…

That’s all excuses. I’m not saying it’s right to bully someone who’s in the depths of depression. But the depression isn’t gonna fix itself and it certainly won’t fix itself because of something that happened in the past

i don't know what it takes to get out of depression, but "it isn't going to fix itself" doesn't contradict that the depressed person can't get out of it on their own. it's like telling someone stuck in a hole to stop whining because they are not going to get out of the hole as long as they do nothing. that's true, but they are also not in a position to see a way out, or may simply not be able to get out without help.

as i said, i don't know what it takes, but i do think that compassion, patience, and recognition of efforts and absence of any hint of blame by others are part of it.

Re: How to be anti-social – a guide to incoherent and isolating social experiences

#375

Post by legacynl » Sat, Apr 25, 2026, 6:57 PM UTC

balamatom wrote: post #180

legacynl wrote: post #159

Earlier quoted context omitted.

The point is that a fully grown person (i.e. adult) should be able to regulate their emotions to the point of being able to have a conversation with 3 strangers. You might not like it, it might stress you out a bunch, you can cry afterwards, or have a stiff drink after, but you should be able to set those emotions aside for 30 minutes, especially for something important like a job interview. If someone cannot do that…

> No matter if it was 'done to them', Love the quote marks. Next time try a Marx quote. I mean the brothers. To fellow humans reading: the point is that the ones who did this to you are extremely unlikely to repent. Or even to comprehend that what they did to you is wrong. Even if you were to explicitly hurt yourself - or place yourself in a position where you get hurt very badly - with the intent to communicate "do…

Honestly friend, I think you have some very cynical views about relationships, that aren't very healthy.

All this talk about retribution, what would you think you will get out of this? What do you think would happen if all your bullies would call you and tell you they're sorry for what they did to you? Would that erase any of the memories you have? Will that suddenly make you approach each social interaction without worry and with confidence? Will that help improve how you feel about your self?

I think the answer is a resounding 'no'... The required changes between you and your 'best self' are not within them, but they are within you.

> that it's what you need to do to make those who wronged you to regret their actions

Why does your goal even include these people? Why do you keep letting these people play a part in your life? Your goal should be to live however you want to live, and to disregard these people

Re: How to be anti-social – a guide to incoherent and isolating social experiences

#376

Post by em-bee » Sat, Apr 25, 2026, 7:03 PM UTC

syntheticnature wrote: post #271

scubbo wrote: post #248

Earlier quoted context omitted.

> - if you must ask questions, convince yourself you must not, just figure it out instead God, this one hurts. In the first couple months at my new role (which I intentionally chose to be one that would stretch and challenge me as I'm looking for some professional growth), a senior member of my team expressed the view that he'd rather someone spend three days researching than ask him a thirty-second question. When I…

3 days? Wow. Can't say I think much of this senior member of your team, who seems to be the anti-social one here. I'm sure it breaks flow for them, but a big part of being senior is amplifying the best in those less so, and helping them improve. 3 minutes, 30 minutes, sure, I've discovered a lot of junior folks would figure things out on their own when I couldn't get back to them immediately, and tended to add some d…

more importantly there should be a time once a day where asking is not a disruption. you are not in the flow for 3 days in a row. we used the daily standup for this. or any break time.

Re: How to be anti-social – a guide to incoherent and isolating social experiences

#377

Post by legacynl » Sat, Apr 25, 2026, 7:12 PM UTC

fragmede wrote: post #246

doright wrote: post #200

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Sadly the human need for being heard and understood is innate, and it has been my experience that books can't substitute for that need. On the other hand, there are swathes of incompetent therapists that can only aggravate one's mental state. The only solution I see is to find the right therapist. Some people might not when their future depends on them finding one, and they give up too early. I can't see how that wou…

You know who's infinitely patient, has read every psychology text book and is available immediately at 2am and not in a week that you have to schedule an appointment for? ChatGPT. (or Claude or any of them.)

A therapist does more than just listen. A therapist is more like a driving instructor sitting in the second seat that points out things that you should pay attention to, and can take the wheel if you head into dangerous territory.

If you say something like "I hate that people don't see the real me", LLMs would say "yes it's understandable that that would make you upset" basically confirming your reasoning as valid, while a therapist would ask "why do you want to people to see the real you?" or "What is in your words the difference between how people see you now, and how they would see you if they saw the 'real you'?". These kinds of questions force you to explain and identify your assumptions and reasoning.

LLMS are more like friends, providing a listening ear, but otherwise just nodding along.

edit: To be clear, this is why llms are NOT a good replacement for therapy. Using llms will likely only exacerbate instead of mitigate.

Re: How to be anti-social – a guide to incoherent and isolating social experiences

#378

Post by balamatom » Sat, Apr 25, 2026, 8:04 PM UTC

legacynl wrote: post #375

balamatom wrote: post #180

Earlier quoted context omitted.

> No matter if it was 'done to them', Love the quote marks. Next time try a Marx quote. I mean the brothers. To fellow humans reading: the point is that the ones who did this to you are extremely unlikely to repent. Or even to comprehend that what they did to you is wrong. Even if you were to explicitly hurt yourself - or place yourself in a position where you get hurt very badly - with the intent to communicate "do…

Honestly friend, I think you have some very cynical views about relationships, that aren't very healthy. All this talk about retribution, what would you think you will get out of this? What do you think would happen if all your bullies would call you and tell you they're sorry for what they did to you? Would that erase any of the memories you have? Will that suddenly make you approach each social interaction without…

Because, "friend", I do not only care about myself.

Re: How to be anti-social – a guide to incoherent and isolating social experiences

#379

Post by shimman » Sat, Apr 25, 2026, 8:34 PM UTC

nmcfarl wrote: post #77

justonceokay wrote: post #54

Earlier quoted context omitted.

I don’t mean like being “authentic” or whatever that means. In this conversation “being yourself” means literally you existing in that moment in your body. I can’t tell you specifically what being “yourself“ means. But I can absolutely tell you that if you panic when you meet a stranger that you are not centered in your own experience. Your mind is elsewhere. You don’t know this new person, so all of the panic in the…

I don’t think most people can do this 100% of the time. I actually think if you can do this 100% of the time you’re probably a zen master. I think most people over the age of 25 can do this maybe 80% of the time. And most of them can keep it under control enough that they only look a little dysfunctional, the other 20% of the time. (although I definitely know a few extroverts who don’t look dysfunctional, they look l…

This is baffling to hear dude, I literally canvas with 1000s of people before. All these people have no issues interacting with complete strangers in hostile areas withe ease. The amount of people doing this is in the tens of millions, from all walks of life too.

Definitely check out a therapist because this type of thinking isn't only toxic to yourself but it's not how the world really works.

Re: How to be anti-social – a guide to incoherent and isolating social experiences

#380

Post by shimman » Sat, Apr 25, 2026, 8:35 PM UTC

dogleash wrote: post #205

hackable_sand wrote: post #201

Earlier quoted context omitted.

What they are saying is true. It just might take a lot of work to get the ball moving.

I can agree with you while still agreeing with parent poster that it's basically "git gud"-tier bullying. Very very few orators can successfully pull off "just fix your problems bro" as anything beyond a generic kick in the pants for the people presently predispositioned to be motivated by one.

They aren't saying this tho, they are saying to go to therapy to help solve it.