Think of all the wear and tear on the dishwasher because you open and close it every time you use a dish or glass. I'll bet dishwasher manufacturers are pleased by this sort of thing.
A dirty dish by the sink can be a big marriage problem
361–370 of 812 posts
Re: A dirty dish by the sink can be a big marriage problem
#362Earlier quoted context omitted.
I understood the article as saying that she was communicating her issues, but he considered them minor, nagging and unimportant difference of opinion. Therefore, he never treated them seriously, whether by actually changing or by actually arguing back. Basically, he dismissed it instead of taking it as issue. Here is quote from the article: "Hundreds, maybe thousands of times, my wife tried to communicate that someth…
> I understood the article as saying that she was communicating her issues She wasn't. She was at best hinting - again, something pretty much every communications book says not to do. > "Hundreds, maybe thousands of times, my wife tried to communicate that something was wrong." He doesn't go into details, but it's usually one of two things: 1. Nagging over what seems to be minor issues, and he is supposed to realize…
It sounds like you make up the thing about hinting. This article does not talk about her hinting and him not getting hint. And in author other blog post he elaborates that further about her pretty clear complains - childcare, chores split and similar.
> Nagging over what seems to be minor issues, and he is supposed to realize that there are deeper issues underlying.
The deeper issue is that he dismisses her complains as unimportant nagging. That is not her failure to communicate, it is his failure to listen.
> The question is, how does she describe it to her friends? I doubt she says "I left my husband because he sometimes leaves dishes by the sink." And did she articulate that to him before it was too late?
Yes she did, but he called it nagging and ignored it. I have no idea what she says to her friends. We have only his self reflection to go on. Possibly she says something like "it did not worked out".
Re: A dirty dish by the sink can be a big marriage problem
#363I think a lot of fights (at least based on my experience) are really issues in how the spouses are dealing with other things that bleed into a minor dispute, and also how the other spouse deals with that potential escalation.
For me and my wife, most our fights are when we are tired or stressed. When we are relaxed we can more or less shrug off the little annoyances, maybe saying a reminder that gets some response, but neither of us care enough about the matter to pursue it further.
That's not to say we don't have real disagreements, but generally we're able to talk real disagreements out to the point where we more or less respect each other's point of view.
I think if we were better at dealing with stress, we wouldn't have any real fights. But if wishes were fishes, we'd all have a feast
Re: A dirty dish by the sink can be a big marriage problem
#364Earlier quoted context omitted.
an unresolved argument (if it's a serious one) makes it difficult for me to focus on work. (as a programmer and sysadmin, being distracted can be dangerous) if it happens in the evening i also can't sleep. so either way the day is ruined. the solution then is obviously to learn to resolve arguments in a short time. actually, resolving the argument itself is not even the issue, but knowing that we still love each othe…
> actually, resolving the argument itself is not even the issue, but knowing that we still love each other is what matters. So much this. Having been taking classes and reading up on intentional/effective communication strategies for relationships one of the key aspects is having a way to say "i love you and acknowledge your grievance however i do not have the time, energy or emotional strength to discuss this now" t…
Non-violent communication[1] is fantastic when both parties utilize it during disagreements as it helps prevent escalations. How you resolve differences is more important than the differences themselves and is foundational to any relationship.
Re: A dirty dish by the sink can be a big marriage problem
#365Earlier quoted context omitted.
It's time to ask your partner how they feel about the relationship, what they value in your contributions, and what they feel they are contributing, and vice-versa. This is a way for you to learn if you are undervaluing your partner's contributions, or if they think/know that they are free-riding.
I hear you and I'm afraid of the answer. I am extremely conflict averse. I sit at the dinner table hoping to talk every night. She's busy scrolling facebook. Yes sometimes I end up on my phone as well, but I actively make the effort to be there to talk. >you are undervaluing your partner's contributions I am a big believer in legitimate praise and even giving compliments to strangers. Though obviously stearing clear…
In my opinion, you should reevaluate whether or not your current relationship is worth continuing. Everything you've written so far sounds like your wife is simply a parasite. Just being blunt because it sounds like you're being too hard on yourself; going through married life caring for the equivalent of an adult child the entire time is not something anyone should be expected to do.
Feel free to just think of me as some internet a*hole, but I'm just feeling terrible imagining myself in your position.
Re: A dirty dish by the sink can be a big marriage problem
#366My relationship just ended for mostly similar reasons (it wasn't just glasses in the sink, it was a few other things I did that she considered disrespectful that seemed minor to me) I was the only one working and paying for the apartment, her hobbies, and school, but things like the above would escalate into long arguments that I would ask to defer. The problem was, I would sometimes forget details that were importan…
It’s never really about the dishes. The dishes are just a thing in physical space. That isn’t to say that you can’t be Disrespectful with dishes or that one or both people’s behavior and expectations regarding the minutia of the kitchen isn’t unreasonable. But fighting about dishes is really good indication that there are more fundamental underlying schisms in the relationship that should be addressed.
In my personal experience both in my own relationships and viewing the relationships of others, I feel like the domestic partner can often feel trapped and/or unfulfilled. It’s easy for the breadwinner to say “I bust my ass all day and I make all the money so that we can have this life”, but the other partner in this arrangement becomes totally at the will of the breadwinner. The breadwinner could change jobs or decide to move or divorce and continue working, but the domestic partner is totally effed. It isn’t an equal partnership unless the domestic partner truly feels agency. And until that point this underlying resentment will come bursting up like new islands in an archipelago, until the situation is resolved or dissolved.
Edit: the sibling comment regarding narcissism is also worth reading! I don't know your situation. Labeling someone as a narcissist is a nuclear option because it means you don't really see them as fully human anymore, but it can be appropriate if you have a large body of evidence.
Re: A dirty dish by the sink can be a big marriage problem
#367Earlier quoted context omitted.
I enjoy cooking new stuff. She's completely uninterested in learning.
It's funny, my wife has literally zero interest in learning computer programming in any way. I found that a bit odd, as I'd like to at least learn enough about anything she spends more than, say, 20 hours a week doing so that I can nod in the right places when she complains. Talking with my friend group, nobody found it even the slightest bit odd. You say your wife has no interest in cooking and everybody loses their…
> I would wager on HN, people are probably better programmers than cooks, on average.
I don't know if my cooking or programming skills are more insulted. ;)
Re: A dirty dish by the sink can be a big marriage problem
#368Im 99% sure the wife in this story used the glass as an excuse to get out. If youre happy with the life youve built together and love your partner theres no way you leave it over something like this. I dont buy the "it shows disrespect" argument. Shes going to be with somebody else in a years time. But when youre in a bad situation and the other person isn't giving you a good reason to leave sometimes you have to get…
The real nugget of truth is found a quarter of the way into the article.
> I’m not trying to hurt her; therefore, she shouldn’t feel hurt.
The author correctly identified the underlying dysfunctional belief[1], but fails to address it head on. Instead he finds ways to thematically "care more".
> I could have communicated my love and respect for her by not leaving tiny reminders for her each day that she wasn’t considered.
While, not untrue, without addressing the root-cause ie: the dysfunctional belief, there will continue to be an underlying friction between the internally held belief and the behaviors he wants to perform. This can work in the short-term, but only by confronting the dysfunctional belief can a long-term change be made[2]. Presumably there were many other manifestations of his dysfunctional belief in his marriage that were not listed but which played out in similar ways.
1. From this list of dysfunctional beliefs apply to more than only parent-child relationships http://www.issendai.com/psychology/estrangement/dysfunctiona...
2. Based on only the information available in the article. Inferences based on a limited amount of information are always subject to what the author reveals and no more.
Re: A dirty dish by the sink can be a big marriage problem
#369"Hundreds, maybe thousands of times, my wife tried to communicate that something was wrong. That something hurt. But that doesn’t make sense, I thought. I’m not trying to hurt her; therefore, she shouldn’t feel hurt. ... There is only one reason I will ever stop leaving that glass by the sink, and it’s a lesson I learned much too late: because I love and respect my partner, and it really matters to them." wow.... thi…
The communication strategy that saved our relationship is not to talk about what the other does or doesn't do, but instead talk about how some things make you feel. For example: "when there is a glass on the sink I feel like I'm feeling undervalued..." the other than needs to first acknowledge how the other feels "I hear that you feel undervalued..." before giving their argument.
It sounds very formulaic but it really helps to deescalate the situation. It's much more difficult to escalate a fight if your partner says they are hurting.
Re: A dirty dish by the sink can be a big marriage problem
#370Earlier quoted context omitted.
This sounds like the overfunctioning & underfunctioning relationship pattern. It's not fun to be on either side.
>This sounds like the overfunctioning & underfunctioning relationship pattern. It's not fun to be on either side. Thanks I'll look into this. Never heard of this.
Best of luck to you. This stuff is hard. <3