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How to be anti-social – a guide to incoherent and isolating social experiences

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351–360 of 390 posts

Re: How to be anti-social – a guide to incoherent and isolating social experiences

#351
post #194

I am guessing the author is either criticizing people who are anti-social (in the pop culture definition) or believes he was before and after some thinking arrived at the conclusion that antisociety was not the way. But I don't feel it describes my internal motivations, so I've translated them to my behaviors: - if someone is confusing or upsetting you, assume it is your fault - interpret others' actions in the conte…

> pivot conversations when someone asks you about something you actually know or are good at, it might be a trick, tell them you're dumb instead

Spot on, can relate to that :)

Re: How to be anti-social – a guide to incoherent and isolating social experiences

#352
post #175

Earlier quoted context omitted.

I am semi-verbal. I can't talk most of the time, that does stop me from having a conversation yes. Processing Sensory information takes priority over social circuits in my brain, physically. So I am unapologetically autistic and no I don't have to break my brain to try to fit in. If people find my disabilities upsetting thats stereotype ableism and yes it happens often

I never said you had to be good at talking. But you can be bad at talking and also not anxious, which it sounds like you are.

Humans associate "bad at talking" with low intelligence so getting called a "retard" when my IQ is high average does cause anxiety, yup.

Re: How to be anti-social – a guide to incoherent and isolating social experiences

#353
post #194

I am guessing the author is either criticizing people who are anti-social (in the pop culture definition) or believes he was before and after some thinking arrived at the conclusion that antisociety was not the way. But I don't feel it describes my internal motivations, so I've translated them to my behaviors: - if someone is confusing or upsetting you, assume it is your fault - interpret others' actions in the conte…

I developed from a very early age a sort of "always assume the worst about yourself" mentality. I think part of it was influenced by social media (I was a tween debatelord). Part of it was self improvement (only focus on yourself! get ahead! never blame the enviornment!). Part of it was genuinely depressing things in my life. As an example, I was obsessed with "finding my passion" at some point. Looking back, I was l…

Curious, which app/ forum/ subreddit/ group were you a tween debatelord on, and in what years? (got a link, so we can see?) To what extent did your formation depend on that crowd and its cultural values?

Re: How to be anti-social – a guide to incoherent and isolating social experiences

#354
post #82

How about the old fashioned freezing with a face contorted in fear like your being held at knife point unable to think of anything to say and just waiting to be able to leave? When you get asked a question, fumble over your words and say something stupid. Later on, you can reflexively watch the memory played over and over again so you're even worse the next time. If you see anyone you met during the encounter afterwa…

You reminded me of one of the first interviews I ever had in tech. I took 2 phone screens, and a take home assignment. Last step: Zoom interview with some of the IT team (3 people). It started well, but I slowly started panicking. All three of them were shooting questions at me, which I answered them all correctly, as far as I know, but I was so... cold. Started stammering my words and speaking like a terrified child…

That's just a tech version of the age-old hostile (panel) interview.

I don't think it's a useful interview practice, at least in tech, below director level, but you just have to keep your composure and gently assert control. If that CTO favored it maybe their company culture was unusually aggressive.

Re: How to be anti-social – a guide to incoherent and isolating social experiences

#355

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Talking to random people about anything, and talking to girls, and talking to girls romantically are all separate skills from talking to someone about an interest. I am going to assume you're a smart, educated guy with niche interests. So even if someone comes up and talks about something you don't know much about, maybe Biology for example (no clue if this is true), you are probably able to fill in the blanks, find…

> Talking to random people about anything, and talking to girls, and talking to girls romantically are all separate skills from talking to someone about an interest This is entirely contradicted by my experiences. Broad generalizations and generalizations about broads are usually wrong.

Very Groucho Marx.

Re: How to be anti-social – a guide to incoherent and isolating social experiences

#356

Earlier quoted context omitted.

I can agree with you while still agreeing with parent poster that it's basically "git gud"-tier bullying. Very very few orators can successfully pull off "just fix your problems bro" as anything beyond a generic kick in the pants for the people presently predispositioned to be motivated by one.

I agree it can feel frustrating and inactionable but it's not bullying, it's a thoughtful well-meaning response. Actually if it makes you feel bad it's a signal it may be worth contemplating more.

It may be well-meaning, but it is clearly not thoughtful.

Re: How to be anti-social – a guide to incoherent and isolating social experiences

#357
post #329

Earlier quoted context omitted.

I am assuming this because you are projecting all over me and not distinguishing between me and the people I was making the point about. I was pretty clear in my comment that I do not struggle with shyness. Some people experience debilitating levels of shyness, and some people have done the work necessary to understand the perspective of those people, but in my experience they do not communicate like you do.

I have no idea what you're trying to say.

>> Why do you assume my experience is so different? There are tons of people on forums like these who've dealt with extreme shyness and severe problems, yet managed to persevere.

> I am assuming this because you are projecting all over me

Projecting means you are making assumptions rooted in your own experience about what I think and how I feel which are not accurate.

>> Your struggles might not be nearly as unique as you think.

> and not distinguishing between me and the people I was making the point about. I was pretty clear in my comment that I do not struggle with shyness.

This means you are conflating me with the people I work with who struggle with this — ie you did not take the time to understand my comment chain before replying.

> Some people experience debilitating levels of shyness, and some people have done the work necessary to understand the perspective of those people, but in my experience they do not communicate like you do.

This means you appear to be functionally illiterate in the language of subjective experience and are just insisting that other people experience the world the way you do. This is understandable as a default because for many it is a familiar, easier, model of reality to work with. People exist who have the same fluency in this area that you have in your primary area of expertise. Think about the gap in understanding between someone who knows nothing about your area of expertise and you. Think about how they sound trying to explain to you how to solve a problem in your work.

Re: How to be anti-social – a guide to incoherent and isolating social experiences

#358
post #164

Earlier quoted context omitted.

You’re probably “asocial” Asocial = avoids people, quiet, misses social cues. i.e. doesn’t attract people Antisocial = cruel, obnoxious, remorseless. i.e. actively repels people

Sociopaths don't actively repel people. In fact, they're quite good at attracting them.

Psychopaths are calculated, charming, and organized, often blending seamlessly into society. Whereas sociopaths tend to be erratic, impulsive, and prone to outbursts and aggressive and reckless behavior.

Psychopaths, I would say, are "quite good" at attracting people, by knowing exactly what to say. Sociopaths may sometimes attract people unintentionally, just by virtue of their impulsive personalities sometimes causing them to be "fun" to be around.

In both cases though, people who know them well tend to be repelled by their lack of regard for the needs and feelings of others.

Re: How to be anti-social – a guide to incoherent and isolating social experiences

#359

Earlier quoted context omitted.

That approach doesn't work for everyone. Everything you say could be correct, but if the person thinks their feelings are not being listened to, there is a chance they still won't take your advice. One of my therapists said it was normal in her circle for people not to get onto someone's case if they're mentally unwell and have chores piling up, because it makes sense they don't have as much effort to give to all asp…

That’s all excuses. I’m not saying it’s right to bully someone who’s in the depths of depression. But the depression isn’t gonna fix itself and it certainly won’t fix itself because of something that happened in the past

I don't know what to say then, except I'm going to keep working with clinicians who say otherwise.

All of this is integral to me working with my current therapist, so I don't see what it has to do with depression not fixing itself.

Re: How to be anti-social – a guide to incoherent and isolating social experiences

#360

Earlier quoted context omitted.

The part you're missing is that the people who hit those bullet points probably weren't always that way. In my experience they usually had very bad social experiences that drove them to isolate. That isn't necessarily an excuse. I strongly believe that after a certain point it's really on you to get over your hangups, especially if you're an adult. It may not be easy but it's necessary Anyways, I've never found that…

I honestly think that most people suck and are not worth talking to. Sure, spending time with those who don't is extremely rewarding, but the rest is just a waste of oxygen.

Even if this were true, you still have to talk to a lot of people even if only to sift through the sucky ones to find the gems

So if you have any interest in finding the good people who you think are worthwhile, you still have a pretty good incentive to talk to people. And if the good, worthwhile people are that rare then you need to talk to and get to know as many people as you can

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