A Most Sensible Proposal for the Absolute Perpetuation of Copyright Laws:It is a melancholy object to those who walk through this great Internet of ours when they behold the countless instances of piracy and blatant disregard for the sanctity of copyright laws. The noble and ever-vigilant lawmakers, in their infinite wisdom, have blessed us with these righteous statutes, designed to protect the creative genius of the chosen few and ensure their perpetual enrichment. I shall now humbly propose my own thoughts, which I hope will not be liable to the least objection, for the enhancement of copyright laws and the merciless suppression of those who would dare to infringe upon them.
I have been assured by a very knowing academic of my acquaintance that copyright infringement is a scourge upon our society, depriving deserving creators of their rightful earnings and perpetuating anarchy in the realm of intellectual property. It is of the utmost importance that we reinforce the importance of copyright, extending its reign to the furthest reaches of human creativity, even unto the most mundane and trivial expressions.
In order to accomplish this most necessary task, I propose that all human utterances, expressions, and gestures, be they written, spoken, or signed, be henceforth copyrighted, requiring the payment of a modest fee for their use. This fee shall be directed to the original creator, or their heirs, who shall retain control of their intellectual property for a period not less than one thousand years. This, I am confident, will provide ample incentive for the continuation of human creativity and innovation.
Furthermore, to prevent the heinous crime of piracy, it is imperative that all infants be implanted with a small monitoring device, connected to the great and mighty copyright database. This device shall track each individual's every expression, ensuring prompt and accurate payment to the appropriate copyright holder. Should any attempt be made to remove this device, or should an individual be found in violation of copyright laws, they shall be immediately and publicly flogged, that others may learn from their example.
For those who might object that this proposal would stifle creativity and hinder the sharing of knowledge and ideas, I say that such fears are baseless and utterly without merit. After all, it is only through the tireless efforts of our most esteemed creators that we, the unworthy masses, are granted access to the wisdom and brilliance of human thought. Surely, it is a small price to pay for the privilege of partaking in such exalted company.
I profess, in the sincerity of my heart, that I have not the least personal interest in endeavoring to promote this necessary work, having no other motive than the public good of my country, the advancement of the arts, and the salvation of mankind from the hideous specter of copyright infringement. Let us embrace these changes, for only through the eternal protection of copyright can we ensure the continued flourishing of human creativity and the preservation of our most treasured works for generations to come.