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Almost one in five men admits to having no close friends, a survey has found

thetimes.co.uk

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Re: Almost one in five men admits to having no close friends, a survey has found

#351

Post by RickS »

bloody-crow wrote: post #315
sneak wrote: post #306

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Where do you live? What are your hobbies and interests?

Seattle suburbs. Coding, videogames, cars. I've recently fell out of all of my hobbies and even stopped playing online games where I had some community going on.

I'm in a weird position where I feel like I've both got this figured out, and yet totally don't.

Ping me (email in profile) if you wanna grab a beer around Seattle some time. Bonus points if it's West Seattle. I'm busy with house projects at the moment, but otherwise wrenching on a Datsun in my spare time.

Re: Almost one in five men admits to having no close friends, a survey has found

#352

Post by GhettoMaestro »

elliekelly wrote: post #310
rolltiide wrote: post #89

Earlier quoted context omitted.

This was my strategy with club promoters. They maintain an air of exclusivity with gaggles of beautiful women around them, and self preservation would tell you not to dare approach any of the women or the table and that the promoter - usually male - would be disinterested or aggressive towards you. But a reality is that the promoters are also desperate for casual conversation. All those beautiful women around and if…

> The selection of women This is a pretty gross way to describe a group of people.

He's not wrong. You're just zerging out.

Re: Almost one in five men admits to having no close friends, a survey has found

#353

Post by RickS »

marmada wrote: post #281

I see several people suggesting that men should get more hobbies in order to meet with other guys, the issue is, hobbies don't form deep friendships (much of the time). You just end up talking about the hobby and nothing else. At least that's how I feel. Talking about anything more than the hobby suddenly becomes unusual.

My experience is that a hobby gives a pretense for communication – which is an opportunity for depth, but not a guarantee.

"Oh yeah, X guitar is so sick" is a shallow conversation.

vs

"Yeah, I've always had a soft spot for the strat. My best friend's dad was a luthier, and I'd always be in his shop when things got rough at home"

Now you've got an opportunity to talk about something a little more real. A somewhat dark example, but... I find that returns on depth are a function of vulnerability invested. Tastefully, of course. Don't puke your trauma on the first date. But it's fear of opening up, at least in my experience, that keeps male relationships in the HobbyZone.

Re: Almost one in five men admits to having no close friends, a survey has found

#354

Post by buboard »

What's holding them back though? Yeah people work a lot today, but they still do have free time. They spend all that time dating? Gaming? Family? Spending time with family is healthy , but, all the free time ? that s too much, and it was probably never like that in history (at least for men). Men spend 0 time in former male spaces too. And finding hobbies you dont like just as an excuse to meet people feels forced and fake. Modern city lifestyle is hostile to friendships.

Re: Almost one in five men admits to having no close friends, a survey has found

#355

Post by keyle »

tonystubblebine wrote: post #63
paganel wrote: post #5

As a man is pretty damn hard keeping friends after the age of 30, especially if you happen to go trough a divorce when suddenly more than half (if not more) of your friends get to “choose” the other side. Yeah, you get to ask your friends back from high-school or college out for a beer but chances are they’re also in a middle of a divorce or they’re too busy with family requirements (can’t blame them) or too stressed…

An important post-30 strategy that I use is to assume that all friends with children are prisoners in their own home. You know exactly where they are. You know they don't have plans. They are desperate for adult conversation. That means you can invite yourself over, bring takeout, and basically make their day. I'm coupled but this should work as a single. Our parent friends say it's actually easier to be friends with…

> An important post-30 strategy that I use is to assume that all friends with children are prisoners in their own home.

Wow, that sounds harsh, yet so true.

Re: Almost one in five men admits to having no close friends, a survey has found

#356

Post by dwaltrip »

garmaine wrote: post #198
dwaltrip wrote: post #152

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Why do you prefer it?

I’m an introvert. People drain me. I find fulfillment in the world around me and my hobbies. I’m on HN not to be social but to learn things. I don’t need validation from others. I don’t hate human interaction either. I have friends. I just don’t NEED them, and don’t need to go seeking them or be especially close.

Thanks for sharing.

Re: Almost one in five men admits to having no close friends, a survey has found

#357

Post by buboard »

feistypharit wrote: post #348

I feel the real reason really is just lack of time. It takes a serious amount of time to make and maintain a friendship. This comes to a point with a family because you have so little extra time that you're very careful to use it wisely. To spend the hours hanging out and getting to know 10 strangers well enough that 1 may become a close friend is just a hard trade-off to make. As another comment said, it makes one f…

friendship should be a part of life. you shouldn't need to set aside time for your friends, they could come over while u re cooking or stay casually over lunch. It used to be a lot more like that in the past. I think the past decades have switched to an almost ceremonial way of life where helicopter parenting consumes the entirety of family life and everything else has been abandoned

Re: Almost one in five men admits to having no close friends, a survey has found

#358

Post by buboard »

swiley wrote: post #28

If you're an average single man the world hates you. The public considers you a liability that has to be written off in order to stay consistent and most people expect you to hurt them in some way.

thats not true except in certain - generally oppressive - enclaves

Re: Almost one in five men admits to having no close friends, a survey has found

#359

Post by dwaltrip »

humanrebar wrote: post #159

I only see a couple mentions of religious organizations, but it's worth pointing out that churches and other religious organizations put an enormous amount of effort into making meaningful friendships convenient and healthy, including casual events, lectures, classes, study groups, and group volunteer activities. I'm not positive that the amount of attention given men in particular is comparable to children, women, c…

I was raised going to church and it was nice to have such a close community.

Unfortunately, I can't go to church anymore because I don't think the core factual claims are true.

I tried going to UU one time as they support being atheist, but it didn't really work for me. Perhaps I'll have to try again in the future.

Re: Almost one in five men admits to having no close friends, a survey has found

#360

Post by war1025 »

feistypharit wrote: post #348

I feel the real reason really is just lack of time. It takes a serious amount of time to make and maintain a friendship. This comes to a point with a family because you have so little extra time that you're very careful to use it wisely. To spend the hours hanging out and getting to know 10 strangers well enough that 1 may become a close friend is just a hard trade-off to make. As another comment said, it makes one f…

An idea I've had in my head for the past week or two, mainly because I have several projects that I just keep "not getting around to".:

I think there is a difference between free time and idle time.

Free time is when you could be doing something that has been back-burnered, such as a project around the house, or getting together with friends.

Idle time is when there is nothing going on, but you are sort "on call" as it were (particularly in my case in the context of having young kids around). These are the times when you do lazy things like watch TV or surf the internet.

Most of productivity "hacking" is probably just making an effort to convert more "idle time" into "free time", which is easy in some ways, but non-trivial in others. I think the distinction between the two is very helpful in considering why people say they don't have any time, but still manage to find time to do all sort of unproductive things. If you are simply idle, it's partly because you fully expect that you could be called away to do something else at any moment. To have free time, you need to consciously block off that time from other obligations.

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