‘I’m Broke and Mostly Friendless, and I’ve Wasted My Whole Life’ • Hacker News Board

Re: ‘I’m Broke and Mostly Friendless, and I’ve Wasted My Whole Life’

#351

Post by thwy12321 » Thu, Nov 29, 2018, 9:10 PM UTC

J-dawg wrote: post #328

thwy12321 wrote: post #268

Earlier quoted context omitted.

This is the elephant in the room that most people don't want to discuss. Young women get confused, they are able to "short term date" men out of their league and so then balk at men who are their equals. I've seen a number of awkward marriage dynamics where the women was used to dating men of higher caliber than the man she married.

Of all the elephants in the room when it comes to modern tech-enabled dating, this is possibly the biggest and ugliest. The thought of ending up as one of those husbands genuinely makes my skin crawl. Imagine the woman you adore secretly resenting you for not measuring up to those alpha dudes she met on Tinder and dated for a few weeks at a time. I sometimes wonder if we’ll see total change in relationship dynamics i…

The weird thing is most people will call you a misogynist for bringing this up. I would argue that in most major US cities there is already a large "harem" dynamic. It's mostly invisible to the general population, but quite obvious if you're friends with men in the top 1 to 2% of dating potential.

Re: ‘I’m Broke and Mostly Friendless, and I’ve Wasted My Whole Life’

#352

Post by austincheney » Thu, Nov 29, 2018, 9:11 PM UTC

GlenTheMachine wrote: post #145

This probably won't be popular, but what the hell. I feel like, if you strip away the outward trappings and dogma, this is what religion is good for. Not in a "believe in Jesus" or "trust in God" kind of way, but in a "how to orient your life" kind of way. Which is to say, the actually useful portion of religion generally teaches that your best life is probably not focused on you. It isn't about finding yourself, or…

It could be argued that belief systems are an inescapable component of the human experience and religion forces a person to channel thinking about such in a deliberate cognitive way.

Re: ‘I’m Broke and Mostly Friendless, and I’ve Wasted My Whole Life’

#353

Post by freehunter » Thu, Nov 29, 2018, 9:11 PM UTC

hoaw wrote: post #338

freehunter wrote: post #98

Earlier quoted context omitted.

I feel similarly with the differences between me and my family vs my wife and her family. I grew up not desperately poor, but with only just enough money to get by. In the late 90s we had a computer, a basic Windows 95 machine with dial-up and about 1/4 of the RAM/CPU that modern machines had, but we had one. That's about all we had for modern comforts, which I think forced me to be laser-focused on one activity. The…

If your only had a piano, instead of a computer, your story wouldn't be particularly convincing. People who grew up with a computer, before most other people had one, were lucky to find a rapidly growing industry. Most other people are getting very little for their single focus.

If I only had a piano to entertain myself I probably would not be a professional piano player, you are correct. But that's not the point of the anecdote. Replace my computer with anything else, and the frustrations will still be the same. The boredom and experimentation and learning and moments of clarity and joy and pain will still be the same.

Whether I carry the piano into my adult life doesn't matter. I've still learned how to stick through something difficult without quitting and moving on to the next exciting thing. The most valuable lesson learned in this story is that everything worth doing is boring and difficult sometimes. If you never stick through it beyond that point, you'll never learn that lesson.

Re: ‘I’m Broke and Mostly Friendless, and I’ve Wasted My Whole Life’

#354

Post by zapzupnz » Thu, Nov 29, 2018, 9:14 PM UTC

maratd wrote: post #314

jf- wrote: post #223

Earlier quoted context omitted.

That’s more a value system, or maybe an ideology, than a religion. Though I’ll agree the two do more or less occupy the same cognitive space. There is no need for anything mystical to be involved. Today we are experimenting with new phenomena that have never been available to humanity en mass. Effective birth control, gender equality, freedom from restrictive social norms, all of these are very new, and indeed evolut…

> Today we are experimenting with new phenomena Pretty sure every generation from the beginning of time has thought of itself as a pioneer exposed to new forces and new phenomena. It's a bit arrogant to think that you're the one and only. There are a multitude of other changes that have transformed our environment (agriculture, spoken language, written language, barter, commerce, etc.) over the millennia. > There is…

> When we tried to eradicate it forcefully (communism), bad things happened

This is a little disingenuous.

Yes, states described as communist attempted to eradicate religion; to do that, they merely replaced religion with the state. The state became the church, its leaders became the saints.

Don't conflate the example of failed, corrupt Stalinist communist states with the concept of the eradication of religion, they're not at all mutually inclusive.

Re: ‘I’m Broke and Mostly Friendless, and I’ve Wasted My Whole Life’

#355

Post by ta3216 » Thu, Nov 29, 2018, 9:15 PM UTC

kerryfalk wrote: post #293

ta3216 wrote: post #213

Earlier quoted context omitted.

And what if he had Fortnite etc back then? Would he have really excelled at computer work? Maybe.

We didn't have Fortnite but we had many other venues for entertainment on computers: MUDs, Ultima, DOOM, Duke Nukem 3D, Wolfenstein, Wing Commander, etc. etc. The list goes on. My early family life resembled the parent's. The difference in my case and related to your point wasn't the absence of distractions it was to get at them I had to learn how to make the damn computer work. I once tricked my 286 into thinking it…

Well, now kids would be learning about overclocking video cards, messing with refresh rates, optimizing their gaming mouse etc. Same idea. I had Zork and PAC man growing up and while I enjoyed it I wasn’t completely addicted to it possibly because the graphics, multi player gaming etc weren’t there yet. It does bother me seeing my son play fortnite rather than learning python etc like I’d have been inclined to do if I were his age. Then again, I’d probably be addicted to fortnite as well.

Re: ‘I’m Broke and Mostly Friendless, and I’ve Wasted My Whole Life’

#356

Post by heroprotagonist » Thu, Nov 29, 2018, 9:17 PM UTC

erobbins wrote: post #256

ThrustVectoring wrote: post #39

I could give better advice in a single sentence. To wit, "you should schedule an appointment with a psychiatrist to get screened for adult ADHD." These life problems are classic adult ADHD symptoms. Moving cities every few years. Not being able to hold down a long-term relationship. Your "who-knows-what-number" job. Debt from poor and impulsive decisions. Lack of internal drive. Difficulty making and keeping friends.…

This sounds like me, except the debt and relationship problems. I'm 90% sure I have add, but I'm afraid treatment would turn me into a zombie. It would be really nice to be able to work on crap at work I can't stand doing, but at the same time it would be awful.

There are strategies that can help without medication.

It might be good to spend a couple of hours reading and learning, perhaps watching some videos with first-hand discussions. This could help cultivate future awareness and potentially reduce impact even if you do nothing else. Or maybe you rule out ADHD as a potential contributing factor entirely. Or maybe you don't have ADHD but some of the strategies are useful anyway. You won't know until you look into it. But even if it's not applicable to you, the knowledge might help you understand someone else in your life.

This stigma about the different medications, along with worry for the view that people who seek treatment are simply looking for ADHD drugs, has prevented a lot of people from seeking treatment. It's very unfortunate.

Re: ‘I’m Broke and Mostly Friendless, and I’ve Wasted My Whole Life’

#357

Post by J-dawg » Thu, Nov 29, 2018, 9:18 PM UTC

thwy12321 wrote: post #351

J-dawg wrote: post #328

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Of all the elephants in the room when it comes to modern tech-enabled dating, this is possibly the biggest and ugliest. The thought of ending up as one of those husbands genuinely makes my skin crawl. Imagine the woman you adore secretly resenting you for not measuring up to those alpha dudes she met on Tinder and dated for a few weeks at a time. I sometimes wonder if we’ll see total change in relationship dynamics i…

The weird thing is most people will call you a misogynist for bringing this up. I would argue that in most major US cities there is already a large "harem" dynamic. It's mostly invisible to the general population, but quite obvious if you're friends with men in the top 1 to 2% of dating potential.

You’re right, and it’s happening throughout the western world. As someone who is definitely not in the top 2%, there are some difficult truths to confront.

It will be a strange time when & if it starts happening out in the open.

Re: ‘I’m Broke and Mostly Friendless, and I’ve Wasted My Whole Life’

#358

Post by acabal » Thu, Nov 29, 2018, 9:22 PM UTC

GlenTheMachine wrote: post #145

This probably won't be popular, but what the hell. I feel like, if you strip away the outward trappings and dogma, this is what religion is good for. Not in a "believe in Jesus" or "trust in God" kind of way, but in a "how to orient your life" kind of way. Which is to say, the actually useful portion of religion generally teaches that your best life is probably not focused on you. It isn't about finding yourself, or…

I very much agree and I've been thinking about this a lot lately.

Interestingly enough, this line of thought is not new. People like Auguste Comte in the 1850s saw the industrial and technological revolution as an engine working to erode religion, and he wanted to work towards an alternative.

For many people, religion generally provides two things: 1) An overt faith-based explanation of why we're here, how the world came to be, and how important events are driven (God), and 2) a system of ethical and moral rules evolved over centuries to allow everyone to life their "best life".

As science and technology advanced, many people lost the need for #1, and started to abandon religion entirely. That kind of makes sense, because #1 is often the marquee headline of religion. But in abandoning religion, they also lost #2, the quieter, but perhaps even more important, aspect. There is nothing in today's modern society that can seriously fill that gap. (In the past, fraternal organizations played that role to some extent, but they are largely irrelevant today.)

Comte put together a "Religion of Humanity" in an attempt to provide people with point #2, couched in the familiar structure of religion and ceremony, but without the faith-based belief of point #1. It saw some medium-level success in its day but is now defunct. It was perhaps too early for its time.

However I think the idea is more important now than it ever was. People need an ethical, community-based, traditions-based societal structure they can attend regularly and fall back on, but without the requirement that one believe in faith-based myths and legends. We need a new "Religion of Humanity".

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Religion_of_Humanity

https://standardebooks.org/ebooks/auguste-comte/a-general-vi...

Re: ‘I’m Broke and Mostly Friendless, and I’ve Wasted My Whole Life’

#359

Post by trevyn » Thu, Nov 29, 2018, 9:25 PM UTC

Domenic_S wrote: post #336

trevyn wrote: post #281

Earlier quoted context omitted.

I deeply disagree with this — if you can achieve happiness without meaning, there is no need for meaning. Of course, I understand that achieving happiness can be challenging, and that seeking meaning can be a meaningful step on that path. But it is possible to have happiness without meaning, and that seems more valuable than meaning without happiness, or happiness that relies on a sense of meaning.

The science disagrees https://www.theatlantic.com/health/archive/2013/08/meaning-i...

Ah, interesting. Thank you for challenging my assertion.

Upon deeper introspection, my own personal experience of “happiness without meaning” is closer to “the meaning is just the universe/physics unfolding (and I happen to be a part of that)”, which is so all-encompassing that it has little meaning itself, in the Kolmogorov complexity sense. And concomitant well-being, which I would define as closer to “completely neutral affective experience” rather than the “positive affective experience” described as hedonic well-being in the study you referenced.

Re: ‘I’m Broke and Mostly Friendless, and I’ve Wasted My Whole Life’

#360

Post by munchbunny » Thu, Nov 29, 2018, 9:25 PM UTC

bjt2n3904 wrote: post #310

nostromo wrote: post #10

I think the parents of many 20 and 30-somethings played a role in so many young(ish) adults failing to launch. American parents could learn a thing or two about parenting from previous generations and from a lot of immigrant families: nobody owes you anything, plan for a rainy day, find a partner you love and commit to them, work hard, cherish friends and family even when it's difficult, etc. I think parenting has ov…

It's easy to blame other people. The fact of the matter is, my generation drinks the "quit your job, sell everything, and boat around the world to find yourself" kool-aid because they like it. Even here we'll get a few blog posts a month from a one-man-show who's just got their start-up off the ground -- or alternatively, the one that's just burst into flames. It's the same story. "I keep putting all my money into lo…

The romance around travel and adventure has been around for centuries, if not millennia. The Homeric cycle has plenty of that, and other cultures have analogous stories. I think it's a young person thing, not a generation thing.

Travel for self-discovery has the well-understood problem that self-discovery is not about the places you go or things you do. It's about how you react and change in the process.

Hedonistic travel is fine and can be restoring, but pleasure only gives you insight into what you like, not how you handle life's challenges. The latter is where you actually find yourself. For that, travel is useful because it makes you uncomfortable, but first you have to seek discomfort.