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How can an introvert Asian engineer like me make friends?

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Re: How can an introvert Asian engineer like me make friends?

#341

Post by lifeformed »

mmaunder wrote: post #326

This will disappear in the noise but I sincerely hope it gets to you because experience has taught me it's true. Firstly, it sounds like you are prioritizing school/work above yourself. Remember that work and your education are a means to and end. That end is having a fulfilling life and finding happiness. Now, I don't know you so your goals may be different (e.g. you may seek spiritual enlightenment) but for most pe…

> Believe it or not there are people out there that think that foreign accents and English learners are cool.

Not only that, I think that a person who has an accent and speaks English imperfectly, yet carries himself confidently, is particularly intriguing to many people. They're often more interesting than the normal confident guy, because there's an element of mystery. "This guy is really cool and is probably popular where he came from. I bet he has lots of interesting stories to tell about things I've never experienced."

Also, foreignness is probably the best conversation starter that I can think of. People love asking about where you came from, and if it's true that so-and-so happens there, and what do you like about America? People LOVE teaching the basics about their culture to curious foreigners, it makes them feel like an ambassador.

There's so much you can ask other people ("how does X work here", "Did you grow up doing Y?"). If you can't think of something to talk about, talk about food. There's a million conversations you can have about food to someone from another culture.

In short, don't feel intimidated by being foreign - it can be a huge advantage to you once you get confident!

Re: How can an introvert Asian engineer like me make friends?

#342

Post by seagreen »

dublinben wrote: post #336
seagreen wrote: post #312

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Sorry if this seems like a nitpick-- but giving way too advanced social advice to people is one of my pet peeves. Talking to girls in the grocery store or strangers in the subway is horrible advice here. Doubly so because you gave it in the context of actually meeting people, not just practicing sociability. Remember who you're writing to. For someone with bad English, low confidence, and little social life that's no…

You are right to caution against this advice, but I don't think that was actually written as advice that was meant to be followed. Those struck me as illustrative examples of unconventional places to initiate a conversation. Nobody is telling OP to actually do those specific things, just to consider them.

Heh, that makes sense:)

I guess when I read "So I'd ask you to ask yourself: is your problem really about meeting people, or is it about staying engaged with people?" ... it seems really obvious that the problem in OP's case is the former.

Since our parent comment used OP to springboard into his own topic, I hope it's considered fair that I used the parent to springboard back into OP's case:)

Re: How can an introvert Asian engineer like me make friends?

#343

Post by redmand »

beat wrote: post #338
alistairSH wrote: post #256

Earlier quoted context omitted.

This. I'm not a true introvert, but I am shy (particuarly when encountering new people) and do need social down-time to recharge. I typically don't go out of my way to plan social events. But, when invitations are offered, I almost always accept them. I avoid large bars and clubs, but enjoy going out for a meal or drink with friends at smaller locations where we can sit and socialize. Also, my main hobby is competiti…

Even extroverts need downtime to recharge. I've noticed this a lot in my own life. I'm very extroverted and feel a driving need to charm everyone I meet. My wife is very introverted and hates/fears interacting with new people. So we go to parties, and we can get equally worn out. Too much interaction is actually quite hard on extroverts. It's like too much exercise, or overeating, or overworking. It can lead to burno…

Like the OP, I find myself often wondering how people met, how they clicked, how they keep it going. With you describing your wife as very introverted, fearing interaction with new people (I could describe myself the same way) and describing yourself as an extrovert, how did you two meet, click, make it work? I find that with me being like your wife in that regard, I've had an extremely difficult time even meeting someone, much less progressing into a relationship.

Re: How can an introvert Asian engineer like me make friends?

#344

Post by Lambdanaut »

Don't worry about your lack of language proficiency. Some of my best friends have been foreigners with VERY poor English skill. Part of the fun of our friendship is interacting with a foreign culture, and finding ways to express ideas and concepts in new ways that might not necessarily be language contingent.

Re: How can an introvert Asian engineer like me make friends?

#345

Post by normloman »

JohnBooty wrote: post #322
digitalzombie wrote: post #242

A lil background. I worked my ass off, for a cs degree thinking once the money will rake in, I'll get a girlfriend, friends and all the life style I wanted. Once I got a job, I found myself going right after work studying coursera class ML, to find a better paying job to support my parent. Eventually I ended up depress... I started to workout again and eventually reconnect with my college friends. Unfortunately it wa…

> I did eventually learn how to make friends and it > was through PUA, pick up artist. Yeah it's > fucking weird. The PUA thing is interesting to me. People criticize it because it can be manipulative. But the success of PUA tells me that people seem to be really interested in some kind of step-by-step "system" for dealing with people. I think that's why the book "How To Win Friends and Influence People" is still pop…

What do you mean "the success of PUA" ?

Do you mean success in attracting women? We can't take pick up artists at face value when they say how many women they've seduced. How do we know they don't exaggerate? Even if they don't, how can we rule out that their success rates are below average, and they succeed with brute force (asking out lots and lots of women)?

Or, by success, are you referring to the popularity of pick up artistry? Again, we don't have numbers. I suspect the number of pick up artists are very low.

But lets assume it is popular, or at least desired. If I was to guess as to why, it's because people want the easy way out. Actually giving a shit about people, taking time to learn their unique differences, caring for them and doing right by them, that takes so much work. It would be so much easier if there were just 3 steps to making anyone your friend.

But there's not. You want something that doesn't exist. But that doesn't stop scam artists from exploiting your hope that it does.

Re: How can an introvert Asian engineer like me make friends?

#346

Post by w0utert »

dublinben wrote: post #337
oalders wrote: post #199

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Indeed. Every 4 years it feels like you can talk to pretty much anyone about football. At least that's how it seems in Canada. The good thing about living in a country which almost never qualifies for the finals is that there are lots of different teams to chat about. This year the good news is you don't even need to know much about football in order to have an opinion on Goal-line technology. http://en.wikipedia.org…

N.B. this advice does not apply in the US. If you ask a random person about football or the world cup, they'll probably be dumbfounded and think you're a weird foreigner.

Which instantly expands the topic and provides you with other things to chat about, which was exactly the point ;-)

I would qualify myself as slightly introvert but adequately sociable (I value my 'alone time' but I'm very easy around people as well), and personally I think smalltalk is the easiest part of making friends, there's an infinite amount of things you can talk about. Just start out with lighthearted topics, don't overthink the situation (it's just chit-chat), try to tease and joke a little, and probably the best advice for geeks: forget about talking about nerdy stuff like sci-fi, games, computers etc. Most people (especially girls) have no affinity with them, know nothing about them, and might get the impression you are stuck in your own world if they are the only thing you can come up with. The things that are really important or interesting to you will come up some time later, they usually don't make for good 'get to know each other' conversation.

Re: How can an introvert Asian engineer like me make friends?

#348

Post by moron4hire »

beat wrote: post #334
moron4hire wrote: post #310

Earlier quoted context omitted.

I don't think "people with Asperger's" can account for the number of times this subject comes up [1]. The OP didn't mention anything about being diagnosed as having Asperger's, and barring real diagnosis, I'm erring on the side of it just being garden variety shyness like I used to have. There is a significant difference between the two concepts. Reading a book about programming and practicing programming are two int…

I don't think it's the case for the OP. I do, however, think it's quite common in the IT industry - moreso than the general population. For many Aspies, computers have the benefit of predictability - if the computer isn't doing what you want it to do, you know who's at fault. They might find human interactions baffling, but computers make sense. Additionally, Aspies often have above average to very high intelligence,…

I would expect that self-diagnosis of Asperger's is the only thing that is appreciably higher in IT.

Re: How can an introvert Asian engineer like me make friends?

#350

Post by neltnerb »

mmaunder wrote: post #326

This will disappear in the noise but I sincerely hope it gets to you because experience has taught me it's true. Firstly, it sounds like you are prioritizing school/work above yourself. Remember that work and your education are a means to and end. That end is having a fulfilling life and finding happiness. Now, I don't know you so your goals may be different (e.g. you may seek spiritual enlightenment) but for most pe…

I completely agree with this. When you move to a new place by far the best place to make actual friends is to join existing clubs or groups doing things that you're interested in doing or learning about. If you like hiking, join a hiking club. If you want to learn dancing, join a dancing group. For me, I joined karate groups and made lots of good friends that way. Talking to strangers without context is hard for people like me, but in a setting where there is a clear goal (going hiking, learning to kick people in the face, etc) is way way easier.
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