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I thought I’d have accomplished a lot more today and also before I was 35 (2020)

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Re: I thought I’d have accomplished a lot more today and also before I was 35 (2020)

#341

This is always a tough subject for me because everyone seems to have at least an idea of what they want to achieve. When I was younger I had these silly dreams of moving to another country, getting married, becoming a programmer to make games, have my own company and get rich (haha). I did become a programmer and got married, but never left the country or became rich. Now on my 30s I know how limited my options are.…

This happens to everyone in their 30s. You realize that "dying someday" -- which seemed like a big distant hypothetical when you were a kid -- is actually a thing that will happen on a timescale you can reason about. Your career gets hard and you don't really know the point of it. It takes a while to get over it. Then you hit your 40s and you realize that since you're going to die anyway, why waste the time and die b…

Definitely have been struggling with stuff along these lines since my late 20s or so. It's been kind of like a revelation-onion, slowly peeling back the layers of expectations from myself and from others and realizing "Hey maybe I don't have to try to keep up with the media that everyone else is watching," and "Oh, if I want I really can pursue !" and developing into "You know, maybe this managerial track really isn't for me and focusing on developing into an effective senior IC would be more satisfying" and "Screw it, I'm sick of living in this area with its traffic and its noise; time to see whether my job will support me as full-time remote or find one that will, and find a house in the midwest"

Given this trajectory it seems like there's maybe a risk that I'll end up as a hermit in the woods... but would that be so bad, if I were an extremely fulfilled and satisfied hermit?

Re: I thought I’d have accomplished a lot more today and also before I was 35 (2020)

#343

Earlier quoted context omitted.

It sounds like the idea of “the universe has no plan for you” really didn’t help considering you needed therapy

Are you implying that if someone believes the universe has a plan for them, then they won't need therapy?

I think they were implying that if they are horrified that the universe doesn't have a plan for them that therapy could help relieve them of that pain.

Re: I thought I’d have accomplished a lot more today and also before I was 35 (2020)

#344

Earlier quoted context omitted.

> What's the point of it? Live for others. You (and I) are incredibly fortunate. We have our basic needs taken care of. We have more than that. There are many, many, people in the world who have problems that you can help solve. That could be - spending time with a lonely elderly person, volunteering with the homeless, building a website for a charity that can't afford to pay for a great one, building a startup that…

It's noble, but for me it's once again... pointless. I don't have the money or power to enact any meaningful change. I can give my time or some money to others, but I'm not really fixing anything. I'm just drying ice. Maybe I'm not selfless enough? I've never tried anything like that, so that's at least something new. Might give it a try

I teach kids this, "you might not be able to make the whole world better, but you can make your neighbors life better."

I also heard something like, "everybody wants to help the world, nobody wants to help mom do dishes."

Enjoy the little things and do what you can to make the people around you a little happier. That's the secret to a good life.

Re: I thought I’d have accomplished a lot more today and also before I was 35 (2020)

#345
post #238

Earlier quoted context omitted.

> I could try to focus on my hobbies, but you realize very quickly that to get good at anything, you need hundreds/thousands of hours. The point of hobbies is not "getting good at them". It's enjoying them for their own sake. Otherwise they turn into ... work. > I'm just a blip in the universe and when I'm gone it will be unchanged, the same as if I had never existed. Yes. The Universe doesn't expect or have any spec…

> The point of hobbies is not "getting good at them". It's enjoying them for their own sake. Otherwise they turn into ... work. For some of us, the point of almost any endeavor in life is to be “good” at them. That isn’t even to say you can’t enjoy it, or you have to feel anxious about whether you’re good enough at it. The point is the go through the process of becoming good at the things you choose to do because we…

But it _is_ OK to suck at something as long as you enjoy it.

What does "suck" even mean in this context? A composer might still "suck" if they compared themselves to Johann Sebastian Bach, but is that the most important question in the scheme of things?

The one thing we can all become experts at is being ourselves. Nobody in the world, in fact, can do it better. I think it's best to focus on that.

The anxiety you're describing, I think, is endemic in modern society, especially among the professional class. Whether or not we choose to adopt it is up to us.

Re: I thought I’d have accomplished a lot more today and also before I was 35 (2020)

#346
post #271

The young man, who does not know the future, sees life as a kind of epic adventure, an Odyssey through strange seas and unknown islands, where he will test and prove his powers, and thereby discover his immortality. The man of middle years, who has lived the future that he once dreamed, sees life as a tragedy; for he has learned that his power, however great, will not prevail against those forces of accident and natu…

how would one go about skipping directly to the thrid?

Should you? Can you?

Ah, the sudden school vs the gradual school. The debate lingers (see siblings).

Re: I thought I’d have accomplished a lot more today and also before I was 35 (2020)

#348

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Oh, life is far too short for a Harley. Buy a Ducati or something. ;) No seriously though the other reason 35-year-olds buy a motorcycle or convertible or similar pleasure vehicle is that they actually can afford it, unlike new grads just out of school? (I differentiate the pleasure vehicle from the utility vehicle; if you buy a little 125cc motorcycle as a car-alternative for zooming around town that's quite differe…

In earlier decades, the mid-life crisis years were likely also about the time most parents' kids had either just left the house, or would very soon. If you have a kid at 20, they're (hopefully) leaving at 38....

> If you have a kid at 20, they're (hopefully) leaving at 38....

The "(hopefully)" is interesting! Living in an Arabic country and having many Mediterranean colleagues I recently started to appreciate that different cultures have a very different point of view on when kids should leave their parents house. For them it is perfectly normal to stay with their parents until the age of 25-30, while e.g. in Germany this would be considered quite weird already.

Re: I thought I’d have accomplished a lot more today and also before I was 35 (2020)

#349

This is always a tough subject for me because everyone seems to have at least an idea of what they want to achieve. When I was younger I had these silly dreams of moving to another country, getting married, becoming a programmer to make games, have my own company and get rich (haha). I did become a programmer and got married, but never left the country or became rich. Now on my 30s I know how limited my options are.…

I learned at a relatively young age some of these realizations. And realized the biggest thing is WHO you have in your life. Family, children etc. That we arent ancient egyptions and things like cars and boats dont come with us in the afterlife (figuratively). And that a company will cut you as soon as it benefits them and is expediant, that no one is going to write "he was a good worker" on my gravestone. It does seem many have had that realization in the last 2 years, but I had it in my early 20's when my father passed relatively young.

And so over the years i have moved up, realized some goals. Manage a department, lead a team or two, still get to work in weeds etc, but have direct influence on budget, organizational decisions etc (at least to this point). And i make a solid salary and frankly the I could do much of this in a much more efficient fashion, and many of my decisions these days are more based in "am I setting a good example".

That said, it can still be hard to maintain that focus. During this "great resignation" i have faced an internal battle with the realization i CAN earn more, but whether that will come as a cost of being sacrificial to the other ancillary benefits..

Frankly it can be hard to rectify and sometimes i feel my spouse takes advantage of it. For example its known (at least internally) that family trumps work in almost every instance. That I will not miss my kids...halloween, gradauation, whatever for some on call BS. But that has come to also mean that I get leaned on when a kid is sick, or theres some scheduling thing. And sure i can make it work. Heck I can probably even get away with it without much political cost, but that's sometimes not the point.

I also fight with considering offers or "advice" that i should jump ship and move to xyz. I could double salary etc. But does that mean i double benefits if i pay more for insurance or get less days off or am expected to be plugged in or more responsive?

Finally, I still have that internal drive. Lately i constantly find myself still trying to map out the next "steps". Do I move further into management? Its not as rewarding for me but the people I have managed seem to have established a pattern of loyalty and trust despite the environment. And the possibility of again having more "freedom" and the ability to drive organization direction and choices would be really nice. I'm in a spot where i have some say, and even some influence, but would more be better? How do i get there, or recognize an open door or oppurtunity.

Frankly i find much of it exhausting, just like i have come to find people and politics pretty exhausting lately.

Re: I thought I’d have accomplished a lot more today and also before I was 35 (2020)

#350

Earlier quoted context omitted.

It sounds like the idea of “the universe has no plan for you” really didn’t help considering you needed therapy

I’ve found that therapy is a bit like minecraft in that the people knocking it have almost certainly never tried it.

Colloquially "therapy" tends to refer to just talk-therapy. It's useful to the extent that talking out your issues with someone is useful, but at $100/h.

There are forms of therapy as interventions that are generally shown to be effective according to research (e.g. CBT and variants), and I think we'd be rid of a lot of confusion by better distinguishing one therapy from another.

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