Hacker News Board Hacker News, browsed like a classic message board
Live data from Hacker News

How can an introvert Asian engineer like me make friends?

docs.google.com

Post reply on HN
Print view View original

331–340 of 453 posts

Re: How can an introvert Asian engineer like me make friends?

#331

Post by Fando »

My friend! Best thing ON EARTH for this is a very famous book on the subject "How to Make Friends and Influence People" by Dale Carnegie. I recommend the audio version. It's practical and effective. Don't waste time, read/listen to it and apply the principles it teaches. This is the Wikipedia entry about the book. Use it to get you started. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/How_to_Win_Friends_and_Influenc...

Remember: The most important part is practicing the principles you learn. Get out there, build your confidence and make some friends! Good Luck.

Re: How can an introvert Asian engineer like me make friends?

#333

Post by tessierashpool »

hi OP, if you're reading: I'd advise that you take a class on the weekends which gives you a chance to practice speaking English. maybe a more advanced ESL (English as a second language) class, or a literature class if you're feeling brave. something at a community college or maybe a meetup (there are often meetups around languages and sometimes around literature too).

you seem to have two distinct issues going on, namely shyness and discomfort with English. there are a lot of different ways to deal with shyness, but I think every single one of them is going to be a lot easier to implement if you get better at English first.

it's also good for your career, since Bay Area tech companies typically communicate in English. and, you mentioned working really hard and having no social life in college, so maybe you have workaholic tendencies. those could be an obstacle to some forms of socializing, but taking a class in English actually uses your workaholic tendencies to make you better equipped to socialize.

Re: How can an introvert Asian engineer like me make friends?

#334

Post by beat »

moron4hire wrote: post #310
beat wrote: post #273

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Speaking as an extrovert who is very comfortable talking to just about anyone about anything, I recommend reading classic books on good conversation as well (starting with How to Win Friends and Influence People ). Even naturally talented communicators can benefit from studying time-proven analysis of why and how our communication techniques work. For people with Aspberger's or other non-neurotypical issues (and I su…

I don't think "people with Asperger's" can account for the number of times this subject comes up [1]. The OP didn't mention anything about being diagnosed as having Asperger's, and barring real diagnosis, I'm erring on the side of it just being garden variety shyness like I used to have. There is a significant difference between the two concepts. Reading a book about programming and practicing programming are two int…

I don't think it's the case for the OP. I do, however, think it's quite common in the IT industry - moreso than the general population. For many Aspies, computers have the benefit of predictability - if the computer isn't doing what you want it to do, you know who's at fault. They might find human interactions baffling, but computers make sense. Additionally, Aspies often have above average to very high intelligence, and IT is kind of limited to smart people. I don't have stats offhand, but I would expect the Aspie percentage in IT to be much higher than the general population, enough to impact behavior within our industry.

I'm sensitive to this issue both from a lot of friends and co-workers with Aspie social problems, and from raising an Aspie child who has a very difficult time communicating.

Re: How can an introvert Asian engineer like me make friends?

#335

Post by neilsharma »

Friends introduce you to other friends, so there's a positive feedback loop.

I have several engineer/startup buddies that I usually hangout with once a week, all about 23-30 years old. A couple of us would probably do something low key (hang at someone's house + eat) this or next weekend. If a plan does get put together, you're welcome to join! Just ping me (email in profile) and I'll send you the deets!

Another easy option would be to ask people whom you work with to hang on weekends (hiking is an easy activity, BBQ at the park also works). Go to where most of them are (SF?) and make the hassle of arranging everything, following through with reminders, a facebook event, buying most of the needed supplies, making sure everyone has transportation, etc. Event arranging is a pain in the ass, but if you do it a few times, someone is bound to reciprocate.

If you don't work with people anywhere near your age, or you don't care to hang with them after work, then your current job is not socially fulfilling and you should leave.

Re: How can an introvert Asian engineer like me make friends?

#336

Post by dublinben »

seagreen wrote: post #312
jonnathanson wrote: post #173

Here is a lesson I've learned the long, hard way after 30 years of being a strong introvert: it's not how or where you meet people that counts. It's how you stay in touch. Look around you. Every day, in every situation imaginable, there are hundreds of ways to meet people. There really are. You could strike up a conversation with a stranger on a subway. You could ask for some advice from the girl ahead of you in line…

Sorry if this seems like a nitpick-- but giving way too advanced social advice to people is one of my pet peeves. Talking to girls in the grocery store or strangers in the subway is horrible advice here. Doubly so because you gave it in the context of actually meeting people, not just practicing sociability. Remember who you're writing to. For someone with bad English, low confidence, and little social life that's no…

You are right to caution against this advice, but I don't think that was actually written as advice that was meant to be followed. Those struck me as illustrative examples of unconventional places to initiate a conversation. Nobody is telling OP to actually do those specific things, just to consider them.

Re: How can an introvert Asian engineer like me make friends?

#337

Post by dublinben »

oalders wrote: post #199
bshimmin wrote: post #160

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Some great advice! Getting into a routine of going to the same place seems like a real winner to me. Mastering small talk in England is incredibly easy. If the weather is inclement, talk about the weather. If the weather is clement, talk about the weather. If you get bored talking about the weather, talk about football (particularly apt right now). If you know nothing about football, either watch enough that you can…

Indeed. Every 4 years it feels like you can talk to pretty much anyone about football. At least that's how it seems in Canada. The good thing about living in a country which almost never qualifies for the finals is that there are lots of different teams to chat about. This year the good news is you don't even need to know much about football in order to have an opinion on Goal-line technology. http://en.wikipedia.org…

N.B. this advice does not apply in the US. If you ask a random person about football or the world cup, they'll probably be dumbfounded and think you're a weird foreigner.

Re: How can an introvert Asian engineer like me make friends?

#338

Post by beat »

alistairSH wrote: post #256
eshvk wrote: post #218

Earlier quoted context omitted.

> If you're a true introvert, your biggest enemy is yourself. It's your desire to be alone. It's your preference for living by yourself, for quiet moments away from others, for nights spent at home, watching Netflix or playing games. Making friends means making an effort to hang out with them, even when it doesn't seem like the most immediately pleasurable, comfortable, or convenient thing to do at any given moment.…

This. I'm not a true introvert, but I am shy (particuarly when encountering new people) and do need social down-time to recharge. I typically don't go out of my way to plan social events. But, when invitations are offered, I almost always accept them. I avoid large bars and clubs, but enjoy going out for a meal or drink with friends at smaller locations where we can sit and socialize. Also, my main hobby is competiti…

Even extroverts need downtime to recharge. I've noticed this a lot in my own life. I'm very extroverted and feel a driving need to charm everyone I meet. My wife is very introverted and hates/fears interacting with new people. So we go to parties, and we can get equally worn out.

Too much interaction is actually quite hard on extroverts. It's like too much exercise, or overeating, or overworking. It can lead to burnout.

Re: How can an introvert Asian engineer like me make friends?

#339

Post by Mrtierne »

Get a side job that allows you to interact with customers and co-workers keeping in mind what types of people work at and patronize the place.

Work a few shifts/hours on the weekend/nights. Being social takes practice and time to learn how to interact with different types of people. The more you're exposed the better you'll do.

Re: How can an introvert Asian engineer like me make friends?

#340

Post by tunesmith »

I lived in the bay area for a few years just after college. I moved there alone without knowing any friends in the area.

I'm white, american, fluent, and witty enough that I can regularly make my friends laugh. But even despite those advantages, I felt a strong sense of recognition reading this post - I felt exactly the same way about my ability to connect with people, and about the weekends.

I think there's a structural problem with the bay area in that sense. Making friends at work is tough because everyone lives at least 20 minutes away, probably much further. The geography means everyone is really spread out. Most of the peninsula doesn't have natural hang-out areas. And the general professional emphasis in the bay area means that everyone is friendly enough to give you 1-2 minutes, but then they're on to the next thing.

I honestly don't have a lot of suggestions to give, other than to say that the problem might not be YOU. You might have to move somewhere where there is a better natural support network, and there really are such places. I moved northwest and ended up feeling like everyone was an order of magnitude friendlier and more open.

Barring that, I'd focus on doing things like joining a church where there is a cultural fit - even if you aren't religious - or trying your hardest to find local meetups where the emphasis is more on a common interest than on meeting other people - in that environment, you can rely on the common interest to talk to people, and slowly turn it into a personal relationship over time.

Overall I just wanted to say I really feel for you - that doesn't sound fun and it's easy to tell from your writing that you're a good person and would have a lot to offer in terms of friendship (or relationship).

Post reply on HN