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I'm starting a social club to solve the male loneliness epidemic

wave3.social

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Re: I'm starting a social club to solve the male loneliness epidemic

#331

Post by wkat4242 »

flomo wrote: post #182
bluefirebrand wrote: post #175

Earlier quoted context omitted.

> I don't agree. If you choose the right club you don't have to conform and you can just be yourself There is absolutely no such club for many people who are even slightly out of the normal expected range of behavior

Really? Back in my day, there were all sorts of nerd groups, which were often plagued with horrible social dysfunction.[0] People just muddled through. [0] https://plausiblydeniable.com/five-geek-social-fallacies/

That's not too geek-specific. I've seen that at almost all kinds of volunteer-driven organisations. Like a local radio station, student fraternity, backpacker houses. Disorganisation, feuding, usually because several people put more effort than the rest but feel like they also are more important than the rest. Coupled with usually not very strictly defined roles and responsibilities this is a recipe for discord and fighting.

I've seen it at typical geek places too like makerspaces but it's certainly not limited to the geek communities.

Re: I'm starting a social club to solve the male loneliness epidemic

#332

Post by wvh »

notarobot123 wrote: post #283
JimDabell wrote: post #181

Earlier quoted context omitted.

It’s not always location-agnostic, but you’re more likely to hear about location-agnostic efforts because they have further reach. For instance Men’s Sheds are a local effort with a thousand locations in the UK: > Men’s Sheds encourage people to come together to make, repair and repurpose, supporting projects in their local communities. Improving wellbeing, reducing loneliness and combatting social isolation. > Resea…

The men are there to meet each other, not to avoid women. Gender segregation isn't the point - it's about building relationships.

Don't disagree, but some hard things don't get said when the other gender is around, especially with men of a certain age. It takes a lot for many men to even out loud say the word "lonely" or "sad" or "worthless". A lot of male conversation is silent. The whole spiel is to project and feel capable of dealing with the world, to feel useful, to be a Man. To feel otherwise is not "masculine". To admit this to mixed company is a couple of bridges too far for most of us.

Re: I'm starting a social club to solve the male loneliness epidemic

#333

Post by ngc248 »

jonfromsf wrote: post #222

These were a huge part of the American social fabric in the past. Most of the organizations are still active, although smaller than before. There's Freemasons, The Elks, Rotary International, American Legion, VFW, Knights of Columbus, Loyal order of Moose, Shriners, Lions Club, Kiwanis ...

Also, as compared to before, the amount of solitary activities one can do have increased a lot. This has also led to these asspciations becoming smaller.

Re: I'm starting a social club to solve the male loneliness epidemic

#334

Post by archagon »

os2warpman wrote: post #106

In my 30s I found myself slipping into the chasm of loneliness. It was particularly difficult for me because I had been in the Army for 10 years and was used to having many male friends I was extremely close with. All I was doing on the weekends was sitting on the couch and I hate sitting on the couch. I decided to fight it by focusing on three aspects of my personality and finding activities that suited them. First…

Thank you for sharing, best comment in this thread.

Re: I'm starting a social club to solve the male loneliness epidemic

#335

Post by [deleted] »

bcraven wrote: post #252
JimDabell wrote: post #181

Earlier quoted context omitted.

It’s not always location-agnostic, but you’re more likely to hear about location-agnostic efforts because they have further reach. For instance Men’s Sheds are a local effort with a thousand locations in the UK: > Men’s Sheds encourage people to come together to make, repair and repurpose, supporting projects in their local communities. Improving wellbeing, reducing loneliness and combatting social isolation. > Resea…

You have selectively quoted that article. Note the last four paragraphs are: >Andrew McNerney, 70, admitted there was initially some resistance to becoming a mixed group. >He said: "There was apprehension, but in all honesty, it's turned out well. >"We [the men] escape now and again [to the quiet room] and have a chat and weigh things up." >But he added: "It's a lovely atmosphere, and it's been good."

[deleted]

Re: I'm starting a social club to solve the male loneliness epidemic

#336

Post by gonzobonzo »

kelnos wrote: post #264
carabiner wrote: post #229

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Last one I tried was Grouper: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Grouper_social_club You'd meet up for dinner at a local place that was usually pretty good, with 2-3 other people, mostly tech-adjacent. Dinners were pretty polite, a little awkward, mildly stimulating, but I never made real relationships from it. Seems like the same idea has emerged with https://timeleft.com . I don't know. It seems like the best way to mak…

> ... with 2-3 other people, mostly tech-adjacent. This IMO is a part of the problem. I don't want more tech friends. Not that there's anything wrong with us, but I want more diversity in my friend groups. And I'm tired of many hangouts eventually devolving into chats about tech-related topics.

This is a problem with these solutions in general. Most of them are offering generic friends, as if everyone is interchangeable and you just need to sit two people together to make things work.

And some people need that, or at least claim to need that. Reddit R4R personals that go - "I'm at home, I'm bored, and looking for someone to talk to. About me, I like music, movies, and food."

But I think most of the people who are lonely aren't lonely because they've never had a chance to meet a friend before, but rather because they haven't found someone that clicks with them. And most of these solutions don't put much effort into finding people who match.

Re: I'm starting a social club to solve the male loneliness epidemic

#337

Post by floodle »

ToucanLoucan wrote: post #126
BurningFrog wrote: post #87

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Are male only country clubs legal?

Why do they need to be male-only to solve the male loneliness epidemic? Why can't men socialize in public spaces in a way that isn't offensive to others? I say this as a former dude who has spent the vast, vast, vast majority of my life as a man, socializing with men and not-men, in public. I have never had a single issue.

Then just don't go? I personally prefer mixed gender spaces but I can understand why some people might prefer single gender spaces. It doesn't mean they necessarily have "an issue".

Re: I'm starting a social club to solve the male loneliness epidemic

#338

Post by floodle »

renewiltord wrote: post #215

Is this really a problem? I get the feeling that the male loneliness epidemic is more described by people about others than themselves. For my part, the world doesn't seem that way at all. I have many friends who live close by and who are a part of my life. We play basketball and poker and board games together. We go to nearby bars occasionally and to each others' homes regularly. We lift together though I haven't be…

You can't extrapolate from your own experience in that way. There are billions of people having a different experience to you in a multitude of different ways.

Re: I'm starting a social club to solve the male loneliness epidemic

#339

Post by margalabargala »

wkat4242 wrote: post #88
Multicomp wrote: post #2

The lack of deep friendships feel like a 3-fold problem. 1. You can't ever be real, if you are real, you are likely to be recorded doing something someone somewhere on the largest stage in the world (the public web) that someone will disapprove of, and someone else will raise their own profile by mining your impiety to prove their own concern and moral superiority. 2. Everyone is so mobile and connected online, they…

1) Real friends certainly let you be real. And the scene I frequent deeply frowns on unconsensual photography. Most of the events I go to they sticker all the cameras. I love that. I go there for the people not for Instagram. That's not to say nobody takes pics but they do it in a quiet corner so they don't catch anyone by mistake. It makes it very respectful. The stickers are just a reminder so you don't just start…

> Men's weekends" just end up with [...] hanging in front of the TV watching boring sports or crappy porn.

How many situations are you in where group consumption of pornography is normal? I've been in very few.

Re: I'm starting a social club to solve the male loneliness epidemic

#340

Post by piltdownman »

barry-cotter wrote: post #194
ToucanLoucan wrote: post #126

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Why do they need to be male-only to solve the male loneliness epidemic? Why can't men socialize in public spaces in a way that isn't offensive to others? I say this as a former dude who has spent the vast, vast, vast majority of my life as a man, socializing with men and not-men, in public. I have never had a single issue.

Because men and women are different and have mixed and single sex spaces have radically different norms and interaction styles. Given that all respectable mixed institutions default to female interaction styles this is profoundly alienating for men. If one has never spent any time in all male spaces or has and thinks that men are defective women, like the average male therapist or counsellor this may not be obvious.

Spot on. This is immediately evident at Primary School level, whereby normative female behaviour for that age is seen as the ideal. As psychologist Michael Thompson puts it “Girl behavior is the gold standard in schools. Boys are treated like defective girls".

In the US by the 8th grade, 48 percent of girls receive a mix of A and B grades compared to 31 percent of boys. More tellingly, Boys account for 71 percent of all school suspensions. The gap remains through high school and in college, with females representing nearly 60 percent of all college graduates.

“If you treat girls as the gold standards and boys as defective girls, that’s going to be demoralizing,” Thompson says. “What do elementary and junior high girls always say about boys their age? ‘You are so immature.’ If that’s the norm, then this system is just rigged against the boys.”

There's a wonderful bit in a 2013 Time article which illustrates that this predominant viewpoint is often indelibly coded on the (majority female) teaching staff, to the grave detriment of the male students:

https://ideas.time.com/2013/10/28/what-schools-can-do-to-hel...

//Peg Tyre’s The Trouble With Boys illustrates the point. She tells the story of a third-grader in Southern California named Justin who loved Star Wars, pirates, wars and weapons. An alarmed teacher summoned his parents to school to discuss a picture the 8-year-old had drawn of a sword fight — which included several decapitated heads. The teacher expressed “concern” about Justin’s “values.” The father, astonished by the teacher’s repugnance for a typical boy drawing, wondered if his son could ever win the approval of someone who had so little sympathy for the child’s imagination. ... If boys are constantly subject to disapproval for their interests and enthusiasms, they are likely to become disengaged and lag further behind//

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