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What If You Could Do It All Over?

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Re: What If You Could Do It All Over?

#331

Post by tailspin2019 »

brabel wrote: post #311
colmvp wrote: post #37

I don't have a kid, but I tell my nieces/nephews that while they are young to search for and practice something that interests them. Could be painting, coding, dancing, chess, languages, music, karate... anything that they enjoy doing that involves being an active participant in the process. Because by the time they are in their late teens / early 20s, they'll have thousands of hours of practice under their belt and…

Early teens is a time when kids should focus on social activities, not be obsessed by some individualistic activity... because the most important skill they can develop at this age is their social skill. I would trade my best technical skills for better social skills (which I didn't manage to develop at this crucial age) as I can see from experience now that that's what brings you what really matters in life: good fr…

> Could be painting, coding, dancing, chess, languages, music, karate...

> Early teens is a time when kids should focus on social activities, not be obsessed by some individualistic activity

I don't think GP is suggesting they spend their time exclusively on these activities. But it seems like good advice that kids to spend some time on such endeavours!

Besides, many of these activities could involve (or lead to) socialising with other kids in the process, towards a common goal. Which is an amazing way to develop social skills too.

Re: What If You Could Do It All Over?

#332

Post by richajak »

_nckn wrote: post #95

I always consider my life is strange. Born in a 3rd world country in a broken home, families fight like in drama, many divorces and remarriage. I went where whoever my current father at that time went, moving from city to city, school to school. Then I find myself in the US, from odd jobs such as dry clean, laundry, sushi, deli, to church admin, to now working as SWE in one of big US tech company in NYC. Married a wi…

Keep CGK, Insert SIN, replace NRT with TPE, JFK with YYZ, then add CGK again after that. That is my life :-) Nice to meet you, Chris. We are in similar journey. Maybe I will add another destination after this, see how life goes.

Brabel, I moved back to home country and brought my wife. That can also be a solution for you.

Re: What If You Could Do It All Over?

#333

Post by thn-gap »

flopunctro wrote: post #281
ReactiveJelly wrote: post #173

Earlier quoted context omitted.

For me? I wish I was happy. And I think some hard-to-treat mental illness is preventing my day-to-day happiness. When I feel envious of others, it's not only that they're rich and they travel a lot. They also have friends. They might even have a family they care about. They have hobbies and they have _something_ to do. A lot of them say they have problems with mental health, but you can't film a year-long depressive…

> I wish I was happy. IMHO, this is a mistake, if not _the_ mistake. I feel like i've been in your shoes, in a past life. I've come to believe that happiness is like the horizon, or the sunset. It's a fuzzy concept, which disappears if you go too close to it. The horizon is not a place, and the sunset is not a moment. They are aggregate phenomena. You can't set them as targets, because they don't exist physically. Yo…

This was a very well put comment, filled with kindness. Thank you.

Re: What If You Could Do It All Over?

#334

Post by tailspin2019 »

flopunctro wrote: post #281
ReactiveJelly wrote: post #173

Earlier quoted context omitted.

For me? I wish I was happy. And I think some hard-to-treat mental illness is preventing my day-to-day happiness. When I feel envious of others, it's not only that they're rich and they travel a lot. They also have friends. They might even have a family they care about. They have hobbies and they have _something_ to do. A lot of them say they have problems with mental health, but you can't film a year-long depressive…

> I wish I was happy. IMHO, this is a mistake, if not _the_ mistake. I feel like i've been in your shoes, in a past life. I've come to believe that happiness is like the horizon, or the sunset. It's a fuzzy concept, which disappears if you go too close to it. The horizon is not a place, and the sunset is not a moment. They are aggregate phenomena. You can't set them as targets, because they don't exist physically. Yo…

This is great advice!

Re: What If You Could Do It All Over?

#335

Post by tailspin2019 »

ReactiveJelly wrote: post #173
quickthrower2 wrote: post #17

It’s worth thinking about how we measure how “good” a life is and if that is superficial and too much influenced by fashion. For example the cliche is go travelling or get rich starting a business. “I raised kids” doesn’t have the same boastworthyness in a lot of circles, but arguably it’s more interesting. Or maybe not. What’s the life well lived metric?

For me? I wish I was happy. And I think some hard-to-treat mental illness is preventing my day-to-day happiness. When I feel envious of others, it's not only that they're rich and they travel a lot. They also have friends. They might even have a family they care about. They have hobbies and they have _something_ to do. A lot of them say they have problems with mental health, but you can't film a year-long depressive…

> I have all the material elements to be healthy and happy but I can't put them together.

I often have this same thought. I tend to try and phrase it as "I'm learning to put them together". I don't believe that we can't.

> I have many things other people want, but I never find myself sitting back and saying "I'm glad I have this." I always want things I can't have, and it hurts a lot.

There is one quick choice you have the power to make here which might help, which is to choose to be grateful about the things you do have.

And it's not mutually exclusive. I'm not saying you'll immediately stop striving for more. But while engaging in that striving (which is hard to stop!), you can choose, also, to notice and be thankful for the small things you do already have.

Recognise throughout the day the small things that could make you feel grateful if you let them. Just acknowledge those things briefly and try to build a small habit around that way of thinking.

For more on this, Google "gratitude journal".

Re: What If You Could Do It All Over?

#336

Post by stavros »

imtringued wrote: post #327
adrianN wrote: post #321

Earlier quoted context omitted.

A large part of life is just luck. Think of all the chance events that had a big impact on your life. For me for example, almost all my success hinges on me randomly seeing a certain poster in a hallway in 2008.

Extreme example: You are the ultimate decision making machine that never makes any mistakes. Did you choose to be that machine?

Yes. That was a mistake.

Re: What If You Could Do It All Over?

#337

Post by mikhailfranco »

The strong divergence of paths in the state space of life, based on small random serendipities reminds me of the film:

Run, Lola, Run

https://www.imdb.com/title/tt0130827/

On the general midlife crisis of regrets and time-running out, see:

2019 Wilkins–Bernal–Medawar lecture:

Life begins at 40: the demographic and cultural roots of the midlife crisis

https://royalsocietypublishing.org/doi/10.1098/rsnr.2020.000...

Re: What If You Could Do It All Over?

#338

Post by ZephyrBlu »

juhatl wrote: post #285
hn_throwaway_99 wrote: post #149

I went to a specialized high school (as a semi-anonymous account don't want to give too much detail), and as such more than a few of my close high school friends went on to be famous in their chosen profession, and a couple starred in some fairly well known movies. I ended up going to a top university, and one of my roommates ended up founding a successful internet company you've all heard of. My first job out of col…

This topic of success and what contributes to it always makes me think back to this great video by Veritasium (aka. Derek Muller) titled "Is success luck or hard work?" [1]. While it's probably impossible to prove one way or another, I've personally grown to accept that I will never be fully satisfied with everything in my life. Accepting that fact has given me some kind of peace, because I no longer dwell on the wha…

I like Derek and his videos, but his point is a lot easier to make from the position of a very successful person.

For most people this is a very bitter pill to swallow.

Re: What If You Could Do It All Over?

#339

Post by KozmoNau7 »

adrianN wrote: post #321
shortandsweet wrote: post #292

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Why do you assume it's not your fault?

A large part of life is just luck. Think of all the chance events that had a big impact on your life. For me for example, almost all my success hinges on me randomly seeing a certain poster in a hallway in 2008.

Pretty much my entire social circle hinges on one of my sister's friends wanting to go see Iron Maiden in 2014, she asked me to go along with her, because she didn't want to go by herself.

I happened to reconnect with a childhood friend in that crowd of 15,000+ and that got the ball rolling.

Re: What If You Could Do It All Over?

#340

Post by kd5bjo »

XorNot wrote: post #304
A4ET8a8uTh0 wrote: post #208

Earlier quoted context omitted.

I am not sure why, but the quote triggered a memory of 8bit theater in my head: "Life is funny. You start out with limitless potential, but time is always shaving away the possibilities. Every choice you make is the choice not to do a thousand other things. What's important, when all is said and done, is that you made a difference. Your choices, and everything undone, have to mean something. Otherwise, what is the po…

Quotes like this have gotten a lot less comforting as I've aged. It all ends in darkness and black holes, and in the end not even those. The best I've got these days is that I suspect none of it means anything. But I hope I'm wrong.

For a counterpoint, we can look to the Stoics who want us to focus on the present rather than dwell on the past:

"For although in regard of that which is already past there may be some inequality, yet that time which is now present and in being, is equal unto all men. And that being it which we part with whensoever we die, it doth manifestly appear, that it can be but a moment of time, that we then part with. For as for that which is either past or to come, a man cannot be said properly to part with it. For how should a man part with that which he hath not? ... that life which any the longest liver, or the shortest liver parts with, is for length and duration the very same, for that only which is present, is that, which either of them can lose, as being that only which they have; for that which he hath not, no man can truly be said to lose.

-- Marcus Aurelius, http://gutenberg.org/files/2680/2680-h/2680-h.htm#link2H_4_0...

"XorNot" is a title inhabited by many different people over time: the person that held that title this time last year is not you, and the "XorNot" of today will give way tomorrow to yet another person. Each can only be properly considered in the context of the situations they inherited and those left for their successors.

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