‘I’m Broke and Mostly Friendless, and I’ve Wasted My Whole Life’ • Hacker News Board

Re: ‘I’m Broke and Mostly Friendless, and I’ve Wasted My Whole Life’

#331

Post by kirse » Thu, Nov 29, 2018, 8:55 PM UTC

GlenTheMachine wrote: post #145

This probably won't be popular, but what the hell. I feel like, if you strip away the outward trappings and dogma, this is what religion is good for. Not in a "believe in Jesus" or "trust in God" kind of way, but in a "how to orient your life" kind of way. Which is to say, the actually useful portion of religion generally teaches that your best life is probably not focused on you. It isn't about finding yourself, or…

I think it is in a "believe in Jesus" way. In the book of Matthew, Jesus reaches out to folks who have finally come to this exhausting revelation:

Matthew 11:28-30 - “Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. [29] Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. [30] For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.”

If anything she is blessed to have finally reached the end of her self-effort and encounter the weighty truth we find in Ecclesiastes -- that everything under the sun is indeed meaningless (vanity).

Re: ‘I’m Broke and Mostly Friendless, and I’ve Wasted My Whole Life’

#332

Post by rland » Thu, Nov 29, 2018, 8:55 PM UTC

icsllaf wrote: post #259

andyidsinga wrote: post #78

Anyone else read the Dear Polly part ...and just couldn't bring themselves to the Dear Haunted / advice part? I felt like just trying to sit in that situation; sort of ponder the whole thing without coming to any conclusions. How many people do I know who could be Haunted? How many times have I been Haunted myself? What got me out of that space? I just couldn't read the advice part. I think to the points when I've be…

IMO, most of the advice given to to the stuff Haunted says is usually the same no matter who the advice giver is. "Just be yourself", "If you stopped being so negative all the time you would be happier", "You can do whatever you want to do", "The only person holding yourself back is you". I've read a lot of this stuff and it generally feels like a wash. Like someone who has already overcame their problems and is at t…

I agree. It's impossible to fix these type of problems with advice. Deep problems of identity.

"Be comfortable with yourself" is advice that is technically true, but to get from here to there, so to speak, requires putting yourself into a messy, vulnerable personal relationship with another human being, who cares about you enough to break through and force you to care in turn. "Advice" is useless when it comes to deep interpersonal problems like this.

Also, you can give easily advice like this without having ever fixed yourself: Just repeat platitudes.

Re: ‘I’m Broke and Mostly Friendless, and I’ve Wasted My Whole Life’

#333

Post by siruncledrew » Thu, Nov 29, 2018, 8:55 PM UTC

nostromo wrote: post #10

I think the parents of many 20 and 30-somethings played a role in so many young(ish) adults failing to launch. American parents could learn a thing or two about parenting from previous generations and from a lot of immigrant families: nobody owes you anything, plan for a rainy day, find a partner you love and commit to them, work hard, cherish friends and family even when it's difficult, etc. I think parenting has ov…

I understand the failure to launch part that modern parenting contributes to. However, from personal experience, I do not believe it is only limited to American-born parents. I grew up with a lot of Chinese/Indian/Korean immigrant families around (which are among the most "successful" immigrants in America in terms of wealth and educational attainment).

We grew up with high expectations to study hard, go to a top university, get a 6-figure job, and start a family in the suburbs. Throughout years 4-18 our parents told us "You will do X, Y, and Z because these are the ingredients that worked for us to live a good life in America, so this is what will work for you."

While this does a good job providing structure, it doesn't take the individual into account. So many of my friends from immigrant families came out of college wondering "Now what?" because being a person was new to them in the sense that they had to figure out what to do with their life once things were no longer as pre-determined.

This created a new wave of 'failure to launch' where 20-somethings found themselves living at home trying to figure out what to do, or working down a path of some job they hate because their parents wanted them to do it. "The road to hell is paved with good intentions" is a good way to describe the situation.

"You can do anything" is a troublesome parental mindset to establish, but so is a mindset of "You can't do this because this is not one of the 5 jobs we believe is best for you". For example, my 25y.o. Chinese female friend is just now getting into CompSci (what she is good at) after dropping out of pharmacy school (her parents goal for her because "you are a girl, you should be a pharmacist or a dentist").

Re: ‘I’m Broke and Mostly Friendless, and I’ve Wasted My Whole Life’

#334

Post by dexen » Thu, Nov 29, 2018, 8:57 PM UTC

Zelphyr wrote: post #290

wallace_f wrote: post #246

Earlier quoted context omitted.

I had an experience with a woman who was banging on my door at night and threatening me. She had said she "already claimed me." I dont care about this woman and I dont have any ill will towards her but the whole thing was extroardinarily insane. Apparently she was working as a prostitute (someone else told me this and then showed me her ads on a website called backpage). After she threatened to physically hurt me, I…

This is becoming a common thread these days; assuming the male is the aggressor. I've heard stories of girlfriends beating their boyfriend so bad as to have him visibly bleeding, yet when the he calls 911, he is the one that gets arrested with the police saying something along the lines of, "Yeah, there's no way a little girl like that beat you up." I would venture to guess that the majority of domestic violence is m…

The police doesn't have much of discretion on the subject according to common training material. Consider the following points selected from Stop Violence Against Women website[1]:

  To determine the predominant aggressor, police must consider:
    The seriousness of injuries received by each party
    The height and weight of the parties
    Which party has the potential to seriously injure the other party
    Orders for protection that have been filed by a party
    Whether a party has a fearful demeanor
    Whether a party has a controlling demeanor

-- [1] http://www.stopvaw.org/determining_the_predominant_aggressor

Re: ‘I’m Broke and Mostly Friendless, and I’ve Wasted My Whole Life’

#335

Post by jf- » Thu, Nov 29, 2018, 8:57 PM UTC

maratd wrote: post #314

jf- wrote: post #223

Earlier quoted context omitted.

That’s more a value system, or maybe an ideology, than a religion. Though I’ll agree the two do more or less occupy the same cognitive space. There is no need for anything mystical to be involved. Today we are experimenting with new phenomena that have never been available to humanity en mass. Effective birth control, gender equality, freedom from restrictive social norms, all of these are very new, and indeed evolut…

> Today we are experimenting with new phenomena Pretty sure every generation from the beginning of time has thought of itself as a pioneer exposed to new forces and new phenomena. It's a bit arrogant to think that you're the one and only. There are a multitude of other changes that have transformed our environment (agriculture, spoken language, written language, barter, commerce, etc.) over the millennia. > There is…

The pace of change over the last century makes the pace over the last few thousand years look like a crawl. Agriculture was not invented and brought to the point of industrialisation within a single human lifetime. I’d wager that spoken language took a bit longer than a few decades to perfect as well. You’re not comparing like with like.

> And yet something mystical...

People need explanations for things, when they don’t have them they invent them.

Re: ‘I’m Broke and Mostly Friendless, and I’ve Wasted My Whole Life’

#336

Post by Domenic_S » Thu, Nov 29, 2018, 8:57 PM UTC

trevyn wrote: post #281

Domenic_S wrote: post #222

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Love this. We don't want happiness out of life, we want meaning . And we have the most meaning when we're impacting other people. Impacting people can start small, like your wonderful examples, or be huge like starting a successful company. There are so many ways.

I deeply disagree with this — if you can achieve happiness without meaning, there is no need for meaning. Of course, I understand that achieving happiness can be challenging, and that seeking meaning can be a meaningful step on that path. But it is possible to have happiness without meaning, and that seems more valuable than meaning without happiness, or happiness that relies on a sense of meaning.

The science disagrees https://www.theatlantic.com/health/archive/2013/08/meaning-i...

Re: ‘I’m Broke and Mostly Friendless, and I’ve Wasted My Whole Life’

#337

Post by janeybrad » Thu, Nov 29, 2018, 8:57 PM UTC

God, this was a well needed read, feel like this myself often!

Re: ‘I’m Broke and Mostly Friendless, and I’ve Wasted My Whole Life’

#338

Post by hoaw » Thu, Nov 29, 2018, 8:58 PM UTC

freehunter wrote: post #98

nostromo wrote: post #10

I think the parents of many 20 and 30-somethings played a role in so many young(ish) adults failing to launch. American parents could learn a thing or two about parenting from previous generations and from a lot of immigrant families: nobody owes you anything, plan for a rainy day, find a partner you love and commit to them, work hard, cherish friends and family even when it's difficult, etc. I think parenting has ov…

I feel similarly with the differences between me and my family vs my wife and her family. I grew up not desperately poor, but with only just enough money to get by. In the late 90s we had a computer, a basic Windows 95 machine with dial-up and about 1/4 of the RAM/CPU that modern machines had, but we had one. That's about all we had for modern comforts, which I think forced me to be laser-focused on one activity. The…

If your only had a piano, instead of a computer, your story wouldn't be particularly convincing. People who grew up with a computer, before most other people had one, were lucky to find a rapidly growing industry. Most other people are getting very little for their single focus.

Re: ‘I’m Broke and Mostly Friendless, and I’ve Wasted My Whole Life’

#339

Post by justaguyhere » Thu, Nov 29, 2018, 8:59 PM UTC

keiferski wrote: post #17

I’ve always thought life is a balancing act of “building” and “experiencing.” Building relationships, communities, homes, organizations, education (your self) and experiencing other countries, different jobs, lifestyles, foods, etc. Western culture as a whole has gone a little too far in the “experience” direction. You can see this in little ways, like the fact that Legos are sold as pre-planned structures and not ge…

Much of the population (me included) has become just consumers and spectators, instead of producers and players. Just look at the amount of time we spend discussing sports or politics or movies, and yet, not playing even an hour of sport a week or even trying to make a painting (no matter how much we suck at these).

Re: ‘I’m Broke and Mostly Friendless, and I’ve Wasted My Whole Life’

#340

Post by dwild » Thu, Nov 29, 2018, 9:00 PM UTC

nostromo wrote: post #10

I think the parents of many 20 and 30-somethings played a role in so many young(ish) adults failing to launch. American parents could learn a thing or two about parenting from previous generations and from a lot of immigrant families: nobody owes you anything, plan for a rainy day, find a partner you love and commit to them, work hard, cherish friends and family even when it's difficult, etc. I think parenting has ov…

> nobody owes you anything, plan for a rainy day, find a partner you love and commit to them, work hard, cherish friends and family even when it's difficult, etc.

My SO is doing all theses things, a bit to the extreme too but she feel EXACTLY like that person in the post.

- She planned for rainy days, much more than anyone I know, much more than her parents, much more than mine too.

- She was in love with someone for a pretty long time, way too much, but he had pretty big issues and whatever she did, he would never fix his issue, he was taking her down so hard, yet she loved him and she kept committing to him, it took her 5 years to decide it was enough, 5 years where he was the priority and not her own life.

- She worked pretty hard, again, way too much, she had a good well paid government job, they had nearly no resource because of cuts, the department of one of her colleague went from 8 to 2 employees. Right before she quit, they learned that they were only replacing 1 out of 8 employee that was quitting (she was one of the youngest, most were 45+). She pushed herself up to a depression, again also after nearly 5 years of this.

- Cherish friends and family even when it's difficult. That girl has a heart so big, it's crazy. She hated spending time with her mom, her mom always denigrated her, she always pushed her to her limit and never ever she would fight back. She die recently and my SO was there for her up until the end, more than anyone else in the family.

It has NOTHING to do with what you say. You may believe that's the right way, fine, but it has no bearing over the feelings of that person.

I only started reading the answer from Polly and that make much more sense. It may help quite a bit my SO.