I have found Randi Zuckerberg's quip that of [family, sleep, fitness, friends and work] you can focus on three at a time.
For me, it's family, work and fitness. If I have extra time, I use it for sleep.
Friends are critically important. They just aren't as important as family, work, fitness and sleep.
If I had more free time, I'd invest more in sleep than finding relationships.
Why is it hard to make friends over 30? (2012)
331–340 of 745 posts
Re: Why is it hard to make friends over 30? (2012)
#332Earlier quoted context omitted.
Besides the obvious craziness of keeping track of these things... It's worth noting that some people are just completely shit at timeliness, no matter how important the thing is. I am and so are my a lot of my friends "I'm running 30 minutes late!" often meets a "No worries, I might be an hour". A punctuality obsessed person would hate me.
If you are running 30 minutes late, you are saying that whatever you did in those 30 minutes is significantly more important than the fact that the other person loses 30 minutes. Occasionally, that is true. Most often, it is simply a sign that you disrespect the other person. It's not about being "obsessed with punctuality", it's about realizing that the other person has a schedule that you are impacting as well. And…
It's very possible to have every intent and desire to be on time, and still fail at it. Some people have problem with things like attention and executive function that make planning in time very difficult.
For you it might be an issue of not caring. IT's not for everyone.
Re: Why is it hard to make friends over 30? (2012)
#333Earlier quoted context omitted.
Besides the obvious craziness of keeping track of these things... It's worth noting that some people are just completely shit at timeliness, no matter how important the thing is. I am and so are my a lot of my friends "I'm running 30 minutes late!" often meets a "No worries, I might be an hour". A punctuality obsessed person would hate me.
If you are running 30 minutes late, you are saying that whatever you did in those 30 minutes is significantly more important than the fact that the other person loses 30 minutes. Occasionally, that is true. Most often, it is simply a sign that you disrespect the other person. It's not about being "obsessed with punctuality", it's about realizing that the other person has a schedule that you are impacting as well. And…
> If you are running 30 minutes late, you are saying that whatever you did in those 30 minutes is significantly more important than the fact that the other person loses 30 minutes.
This is only true if the circumstances knowingly make the person stuck waiting for 30 minutes.
That's fairly exceptional, but some people do voluntarily wait for others doing nothing, when the participation of others is entirely optional for the activity - something I don't quite understand. But I have noticed people who do this often aren't really capable of being happy or content independently in general, which I consider a sign of immaturity. That's a different problem, and being punctual for them doesn't fix it.
Re: Why is it hard to make friends over 30? (2012)
#334I've always found that being in a serious/stable relationship tends to slowly cut people off over time. I honestly like being single in my mid-30's because there's always a little kick in the pants to get out and socialize that my married friends don't have. Every time I end up in a stable live-in relationship (and I've seen this happen to a lot of my friends as well), the idea of going out and seeing/making friends…
On one hand I share your feeling about being on the prowl for new people, on the other hand when I go out alone, my favorite thing is to meet and get a taste of people’s life. And then everyone reminds me how much I can’t wait to come home to my partner who is just better than everyone else in this world. I wonder if I’ll be able to make new close friends and not just superficially socialize now that I have someone t…
I had the opposite problem using meetup.com in the suburbs to meet young people like myself. For example, I would go to salsa or swing dancing meet-ups and all of the people would be couples in your 40 to 60 range. So maybe try that?
Just curious, why exactly do you want to meet people twice your age?
Re: Why is it hard to make friends over 30? (2012)
#335Earlier quoted context omitted.
Besides the obvious craziness of keeping track of these things... It's worth noting that some people are just completely shit at timeliness, no matter how important the thing is. I am and so are my a lot of my friends "I'm running 30 minutes late!" often meets a "No worries, I might be an hour". A punctuality obsessed person would hate me.
Lateness in my case is a consequence of trying to get as much out of my time as possible. I generally find that most of the people I interact with are equally afflicted by this, so also have a tendency to be late and are fairly understanding (within reasonable limits). On the flip side, I find that people that are always there on the dot tend not to have very much going on in their lives. Their timelines defines thei…
> I find that people that are always there on the dot tend not to have very much going on in their lives
Counter anecdote. I strive to be on time especially when I know being late will waste the other person's time because I want to be respectful of their time. Many times I've sacrificed my own productivity to be on time. Also, for me, it's a matter of integrity. If I tell someone I'm going to be there at a certain time, I've given them my word. Barring extenuating circumstances (e.g. car accident) I do my best to do what I said I would do.
Re: Why is it hard to make friends over 30? (2012)
#336Re: Why is it hard to make friends over 30? (2012)
#337As a gay man who is almost 30, I think making friends is relatively easy for gay people thanks to dating apps. Perhaps, you cannot same gender friends in Tinder (if I'm wrong, please correct me), but a lot of gay people are using dating apps not only to find relationships but also to find friends. I also think social isolation around gay people makes friendship among gay people special. I don't know much about Wester…
Also gay, I think it is much more to do with our "delayed adolescence" and childless-ness. Or at least in the US that's what I see. The older I get, the more blessed I feel to be gay. I can move to any medium to large sized city tomorrow and probably find tons of guys in my age range that are looking for friends and shared-activity partners. I have many child-free gay friends in their late 30's-50's and their social…
All of your comments appear to be dead/flagged and I don't know why.
Re: Why is it hard to make friends over 30? (2012)
#338Earlier quoted context omitted.
Besides the obvious craziness of keeping track of these things... It's worth noting that some people are just completely shit at timeliness, no matter how important the thing is. I am and so are my a lot of my friends "I'm running 30 minutes late!" often meets a "No worries, I might be an hour". A punctuality obsessed person would hate me.
Lateness in my case is a consequence of trying to get as much out of my time as possible. I generally find that most of the people I interact with are equally afflicted by this, so also have a tendency to be late and are fairly understanding (within reasonable limits). On the flip side, I find that people that are always there on the dot tend not to have very much going on in their lives. Their timelines defines thei…
The people that have the most going on in their lives tend to be punctual, because being really productive requires good time management in the first place.
Re: Why is it hard to make friends over 30? (2012)
#339Earlier quoted context omitted.
Besides the obvious craziness of keeping track of these things... It's worth noting that some people are just completely shit at timeliness, no matter how important the thing is. I am and so are my a lot of my friends "I'm running 30 minutes late!" often meets a "No worries, I might be an hour". A punctuality obsessed person would hate me.
Some people flake on their friends, but are always on time for flights. They are perfectly capable of being on time for important things. It's just that their friends aren't important to them.
I find it just as difficult to be on time for flights as I do for get-togethers with friends, or anything else, for that matter.
I've missed at least 8 flights in the past decade, have seen only the last 80-90% of many of the films I watched in the cinema, have had to stand in the back for the first act of many stage productions, etc. Seeing me walk, rather than run, through train stations and airports is a rare sight. I don't recall a single multi-day bushwalk I've been on, where I pitched my tent before sunset, or even within 2 hours after it.
Some of us simply don't have the time awareness and executive function to be on time. I have a clock always visible in my line of sight at my desk, but many times, I can't get myself to actually read the time off it, even though it's right there (and it's digital).
If my friends didn't know not to take my lateness personally, I wouldn't have any friends.
Re: Why is it hard to make friends over 30? (2012)
#340The article makes it pretty clear that relationships and marriage take the place of friends, especially for men. 30 is also that sort of point where women who haven't had kids already think "uh oh, better soon than never". I can see the downvotes coming already for speaking on behalf of women, but I have more female friends than male ones and the number 30 is universally dreaded for the reason I describe. Well, then…
You'll find, when you get to 40, that you were confusing 30 with 40 in this post.
I'm 33, and my experience has basically been the same as the GP.
Past a certain point, you never see your friends again unless they're accompanied by their SO, and once they have kids, their lives revolve around their kids and nothing else.
And I'll always remember the culture shock when I a new job where my coworkers were mostly in their 30s while my coworkers at my last job were all in their 20s. Office conversations at the new company mostly centered on the logistics of taking out a second mortgage, debates over what kind of grass to put in their yards, and talk of what their children are up to. I was 30 at the time, and I decided then and there that these were people I had nothing whatsoever in common with, and if this is what I have to look forward to as I get older, I don't really want a social life anymore.