Why I Quit Being So Accommodating (1922) • Hacker News Board

Re: Why I Quit Being So Accommodating (1922)

#331

Post by Xcelerate » Tue, May 30, 2017, 10:42 PM UTC

wccrawford wrote: post #296

bitJericho wrote: post #263

Earlier quoted context omitted.

You can say no and still help with a solution.

When I ask, "Is it possible to draw 7 perpendicular lines?" I want the answer, "No." If I want to know why, I'll ask why. If I want an alternative, I'll ask for it. Instead, what was happening was that after they asked their question and I answered, "no," they'd walk away and not attempt to get my help again with it afterwards. For the longest time, I thought they were like me and that they were looking to have their…

> When I ask, "Is it possible to draw 7 perpendicular lines?" I want the answer, "No."

Depends. Are we assuming you can't draw in seven dimensional Hilbert space?

Re: Why I Quit Being So Accommodating (1922)

#332

Post by wccrawford » Thu, Jun 01, 2017, 11:31 AM UTC

Xcelerate wrote: post #331

wccrawford wrote: post #296

Earlier quoted context omitted.

When I ask, "Is it possible to draw 7 perpendicular lines?" I want the answer, "No." If I want to know why, I'll ask why. If I want an alternative, I'll ask for it. Instead, what was happening was that after they asked their question and I answered, "no," they'd walk away and not attempt to get my help again with it afterwards. For the longest time, I thought they were like me and that they were looking to have their…

> When I ask, "Is it possible to draw 7 perpendicular lines?" I want the answer, "No." Depends. Are we assuming you can't draw in seven dimensional Hilbert space?

Yeah. I can barely draw in 2-dimensional space, and drawing in 3-dimensional space requires equipment that the company won't provide. There's no way I'm going to manage 7-dimensional drawing.

Re: Why I Quit Being So Accommodating (1922)

#333

Post by 3rdCoast » Thu, Jun 01, 2017, 4:30 PM UTC

Swizec wrote: post #138

hammock wrote: post #113

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Both of those sound terrible and regardless of your feelings I might tag you as unreliable. Is there a third way?

Unreliable is great! I don't want to be relied upon for things I don't want to do. Why would I want to come off as reliable for things I don't want to be doing in the first place? That's a great way to get to do even more of the things you don't want to do. Sounds terrible. Align your interests with mine, then we can talk about reliable. In the words of one Richard Feynman : http://www.deliberate.rest/?p=685 > So I h…

totally agree on this....for years my SO has pimped me out because I work in Info Tech....the first time i said "NO" to a simple task of copying some data off a HD for one of her mates.......she got pissed..and I got relief! was like a form of freedom....and if someone chooses to view this as 'unreliable'...fug'em. that is their own issue.

Re: Why I Quit Being So Accommodating (1922)

#334

Post by 3rdCoast » Thu, Jun 01, 2017, 4:49 PM UTC

wccrawford wrote: post #258

manmal wrote: post #91

For anybody learning to say "no" currently - learn to say "no" gently and kindly. I'm quite bad at this myself. I let people impose stuff on me, and once I have had enough, I have a very rude way of telling people off. One reason for this rudeness is a fear that I will lose something when declining (e.g. a relationship or money), so I feel stuck between a rock and a hard place - I don't want to help, but I feel I sho…

My wife and her aunt just had a conversation about this recently. It boiled down to this phrase in the end: "That's not going to work for me." Whenever she has to tell someone "no" and knows they're likely to argue, that's the answer she gives. When they ask why, she just repeats it until they realize that the answer is obvious but would be rude to say. Personally, I think it's still rude, but it works for her in way…

I've found a bit of humor in many responses above that advocate helping the requester find some solution other than ME doing 'it' for them.... that seems to me like the Exact Same Thing. If i do not wish to do some task or request/etc...then that should be my answer. Period. Not "let me exert some more of my own time/energy in helping YOU find a solution to YOUR issue..." ..... hmmmm

Re: Why I Quit Being So Accommodating (1922)

#335

Post by lomnakkus » Sat, Jun 03, 2017, 10:18 PM UTC

Swizec wrote: post #317

lomnakkus wrote: post #315

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Let me preface this with: I'm quite drunk, and this is probably a lot more ranty than I intended. I have read it through a couple of times and I think it holds up even when sober, but I'll let you be the judge of that. I don't think I'm being dishonest or frivolous. As you say -- as far as I can tell -- it's probably "just" about honest communication... or maybe you're just irresponsible! (That was a joke!) Just out…

> Just out of curiosity, is this this something you would do (intentionally or not)? To be honest, it's probably happened before. When it involves other people, I make sure it doesn't. When it's just me and I am willing to bear the risk, yeah, bureaucracy def gets done late. As for brushing people off with "yeah sure". That happens when you bug me while I'm deep in thought on something. Like I'm in the middle of writ…

Thanks for those answers!

I definitely understand the "yeah sure" bit, even as a "normal" :). Well, actually, I don't think I'm a "normal", I'm probably a "hyper", but... whatever.

As long as there's no mistaken signals, everything's cool. I mean, I sometimes "go rogue", I just tend to announce it a few weeks in advance ;).

No need to reply to any of this, I just found it very interesting to read this experience "from the other side" and from an "honest" perspective.