Hacker News Board Hacker News, browsed like a classic message board
Live data from Hacker News

My stages of learning to be a socially normal person

sashachapin.substack.com

Post reply on HN
Print view View original

321–330 of 444 posts

Re: My stages of learning to be a socially normal person

#321

Post by Nevermark »

For more than half my life I couldn't do small talk. It made zero sense to me. Why talk and laugh about the same things over and over - are people really that boring? That dumb?

Then it hit me. That ancient sound of two modems pushing static noise at each other, adjusting, until they identified their common frequencies.

Now I strike up low stake conversations with anyone and everyone. It adds interest to life, and it is a lot easier to make connections.

For me this was a profound life changing epiphany explosion.

Re: My stages of learning to be a socially normal person

#322

Post by lazide »

whstl wrote: post #317
Hendrikto wrote: post #314

Earlier quoted context omitted.

I am sure you are familiar with the concept of a metaphor.

Of course, but just because you can throw a metaphor around doesn't make it true. There is no "rule" in life that says that people have to be judgmental assholes to each other. Using a card game to justify the behavior is just a rationalization.

And yet, it’s how it is.

Re: My stages of learning to be a socially normal person

#323

Post by lazide »

ryanjshaw wrote: post #276
gblargg wrote: post #239

Earlier quoted context omitted.

What comes across as creepy about the techniques is that the approach doesn't seem to involve personal consequences; it seems to be sterile, like a game with no negative effects if it goes wrong. Normal people have all sorts of anxiety and potential hurt if they do these things, since they know how they affect others. Personally I'd prefer that "spectrum" individuals just be themselves. I take it as my own shortcomin…

> I'd prefer that "spectrum" individuals just be themselves Society at large teaches them this is not safe and they will be excluded (e.g. no friends, no dates, etc) if they do not adapt.

Or worse, actively targeted by bullies.

Re: My stages of learning to be a socially normal person

#324

Post by whstl »

lazide wrote: post #320
whstl wrote: post #308

Earlier quoted context omitted.

This is a bullshit rationalization for horrible behavior. The people doing the judging certainly aren't gonna reproduce with 99.99999% of the people being judged, and I'm being extremely generous here.

Sure, but why would they care? And why do you think it matters?

That's precisely my point. If you're not gonna reproduce with someone, their "reproductive fitness" is none of your business.

Once again this is just a rationalization for horrible behavior.

Re: My stages of learning to be a socially normal person

#325

Post by whstl »

lazide wrote: post #322
whstl wrote: post #317

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Of course, but just because you can throw a metaphor around doesn't make it true. There is no "rule" in life that says that people have to be judgmental assholes to each other. Using a card game to justify the behavior is just a rationalization.

And yet, it’s how it is.

Yes, people who judge others like this are anti-social assholes.

Of course that's not as bad as people who try to rationalize bad behavior behind a veil of pseudo-intellectuality.

Once again: rationalizations don't make something true.

Re: My stages of learning to be a socially normal person

#326

Post by fruitworks »

Hendrikto wrote: post #312
whstl wrote: post #288

Earlier quoted context omitted.

It's very strange that people are ok with people charming others "naturally" (while it's probably because they learned by imitation, often from parents) while "practicing it" is seen as bad and manipulative. It's the same with genetics. Getting lucky with looks is fine but working for the same goal (eg surgery) is somehow bad and people often hide it.

Playing the hand you were dealt is fine. Pulling an ace out of your sleeve is cheating.

Cheating in whose game? We make our own luck.

Re: My stages of learning to be a socially normal person

#327

Post by balamatom »

bbminner wrote: post #234
Nimitz14 wrote: post #205

Earlier quoted context omitted.

I think you're bang on the money fwiw. But also worth mentioning that it's OK to ask rather than trying to predict and feeling that having to ask means failure

But the same applies to the person you are talking to - it is their job to reach out to you if they need help. It is not your job to prove anything to them by reaching out when (your heightened vigilance picks up that) something is off. I am never buying the story of "i did not reach out / i betrayed you / i treated you poorly, and you deserved this treatment, because you failed to know me well enough to know what i…

Thanks for being the thread of sanity in a sea of "wtf manipulation even is"

Re: My stages of learning to be a socially normal person

#328

Post by Nevermark »

ses1984 wrote: post #207
scandox wrote: post #170

Earlier quoted context omitted.

That is a mistake I think. Many 'normal' people who grow up (emotionally) make a conscious effort not to instrumentalize their social interactions even if they do know how to do it. Certainly with friends they aim to be authentic. I think emulating things that a serious person discards is a step backwards.

Isn’t aiming to be authentic a form of “instrumentalizing”?

Being authentic, is about understanding oneself, and being able to communicate oneself better to others so they can understand you better too.

When we win, by being a better collaborator with others, it isn't operating in a shallow or selfish sense.

It isn't treating others like instruments for our benefit over theirs. It isn't manipulation.

Re: My stages of learning to be a socially normal person

#329

Post by lmz »

whstl wrote: post #324
lazide wrote: post #320

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Sure, but why would they care? And why do you think it matters?

That's precisely my point. If you're not gonna reproduce with someone, their "reproductive fitness" is none of your business. Once again this is just a rationalization for horrible behavior.

You could argue that they are ruining the value of the signal for everyone.

Re: My stages of learning to be a socially normal person

#330

Post by K0balt »

whstl wrote: post #308
YurgenJurgensen wrote: post #307

Earlier quoted context omitted.

You say ‘somehow’ like the reasoning isn’t obvious. Physical attractiveness is a signal of reproductive fitness when it’s genetic, and not otherwise.

This is a bullshit rationalization for horrible behavior. The people doing the judging certainly aren't gonna reproduce with 99.99999% of the people being judged, and I'm being extremely generous here.

While I certainly agree that it is an example of poor judgment and perhaps weak character to be broadly judgy about cosmetic efforts in general, I can understand the theoretical plight of someone who might be taken in by a deceptive person in that regard.

If you steelman the argument you can see the point, but it’s also unreasonable to assume that a person is living the steelman version of life (and being a deceptive person) just because they had a facelift.

OTOH, if you are admiring people’s genetics using their appearance as a proxy, I can see why it might seem like “cheating”

Post reply on HN