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The Never Married, a New Normal

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Re: The Never Married, a New Normal

#321

Post by helen___keller »

I’ve been married for 5 years, together for 10. The main reason we got married is because my new job had really good health insurance and her graduate school had crap health insurance.

We didn’t do a big (or any) wedding, buy expensive rings, etc

But I guess we were already “committed” to each other in the intellectual / spiritual sense so marriage was just a formality. The whole “escape hatch” thing didn’t really apply, we just don’t give a shit about the institution of marriage and associated ceremony

Re: The Never Married, a New Normal

#322

Post by Spivak »

mathgladiator wrote: post #180

I'm married (15 years), and I wish there was a hardcore mode where not even death would end it.

I actually said something to that effect at my wedding. We had been together for 12 years prior to getting married and had already made stronger commitments to each other than the marriage imposed. Til death do us part, naaaah, I'm making sure to have unfinished business so I can still be around as a ghost.

Re: The Never Married, a New Normal

#323

Post by grecy »

AllegedAlec wrote: post #282
throwaway1492 wrote: post #49

I’ll risk it and defend marriage to this crowd. To me getting married was about getting out of myself. As someone who got married later in life, I’d spent decades living only for myself, doing what I wanted to do when I wanted to do it. Relationships were shallow and lasted only so long as convenient. By choosing to get married and intentional build a family, I knew I was sacrificing a lot of ego and choosing to give…

> Relationships were shallow and lasted only so long as convenient. I think this is a big thing, and one that in the end will ruin us as a society if we let it. There's something innately wrong about this constant rat-race I see in some friends where they effectively say "oh, there's something wrong with this partner that in my previous X relationships I didn't see before. let's go find another one". Modern communica…

A friend once told me to be very careful, because it’s too easy to compare your current parter to the best attributes of all previous ones. Ie she’s not as smart as Michelle and not as funny as Jane and not as considerate as Mary.

Eventually, you start looking for the absolute best in every way, which is probably never going to exist

Re: The Never Married, a New Normal

#324

Post by fineIllregister »

monissiddiqui wrote: post #257
hotpotamus wrote: post #78

Earlier quoted context omitted.

If a society didn't find some way to last beyond the lifespan of a human, then it wouldn't be much of a society.

It's surprising how individualistic people are in developed countries. They are literally self-selecting themselves out of the gene pool! Just goes to show "smart" does not mean wise. Apparently making sure humanity doesn't continue on to the next generation isn't considered a moral responsibility. And they get salty wondering why religious communities will be the majority throughout time. I guess these governments w…

> They are literally self-selecting themselves out of the gene pool!

One person's genes are not that important to continuing humanity.

> Apparently making sure humanity doesn't continue on to the next generation isn't considered a moral responsibility.

Plenty of people are having children. World population is still growing.

> And they get salty wondering why religious communities will be the majority throughout time.

Religiosity has been declining and is expected to continue to decline.

> I guess these governments will just keep rolling the dice on immigration...

You say you are concerned with continuing "humanity", but "immigrants" don't count. People born outside developed nations aren't human to you?

Re: The Never Married, a New Normal

#325

Post by Spivak »

Fire-Dragon-DoL wrote: post #79

Marriage happens in the heart. I perceive the big event as the opposite of something healthy. The need for a legal thing is resolved in Canada: if you live together for 1 year, that's basically equivalent to being married. I have been living with my partner for 13 years (I'm 34), we both work from home so that's some 24 x 365 x 13 hours together. I occasionally ask her to marry me, for fun, and she says yes. At times…

I'm in that boat, we got married but it was a formality and an excuse to throw a party for both our families. We had been all but the paperwork married for a decade.

I like marriage as a ceremonial recognition of a thing that's already happened better than the maligning a commitment version.

Re: The Never Married, a New Normal

#326

Post by shrimp_emoji »

bscphil wrote: post #105
ameminator wrote: post #90

Earlier quoted context omitted.

I can sacrifice my ego through meditation and acts of charity/volunteer work. No need to risk half of my current assets and future income on the whims of some potentially capricious other person, who probably doesn't like me very much anyways. Good luck to you, however.

> No need to risk half of my current assets and future income Most people see being in a position of vulnerability with respect to another human being whom they trust as a wonderful thing, which gives them a great deal of every day happiness. You see this vulnerability as merely negative, a threat to your individualistic pursuit of wealth ("assets and income"). You have a right to live however you want, of course, bu…

> but maybe consider the possibility that others are getting something valuable out of this that you've missed?

Now apply this reasoning to all the other stupid and harmful shit people do.

Re: The Never Married, a New Normal

#327

Post by shrimp_emoji »

pcthrowaway wrote: post #278
gregytuq wrote: post #258

Earlier quoted context omitted.

[flagged]

My own suspicion is that when both men and women participate equally in the work force, the economy adjusts so that it's impractical for just one to work. I think equality is a good thing; it's just that we haven't learn how to structure society to not squeeze as much productivity as possible out of working-age people.

It's because all developed societies see collapses in birth rate since reproduction was a Ponzi scheme nature imposed upon us that, as the universal revealed preference, we're eager to escape given the chance. The first developed nations tend to be the most enlightened, which is why they're the most likely to challenge gender roles.

Re: The Never Married, a New Normal

#328

Post by shrimp_emoji »

anonzzzies wrote: post #266
Capricorn2481 wrote: post #263

Earlier quoted context omitted.

I wouldn't want to marry someone I can't figure out money with. For me and my GF, I make more so I pay more, for the reason you listed. I don't find that to be a problem, and not everyone can make a tech salary

But you also ‘give’ her money because you make more (or all)? So when you break up, she doesn’t live on the street? Even if she is the one that does the breaking? If it’s not 50/50 as in married/no prenup, you are valuing her to some amount you made up (together?); even if it’s only x% of spending, that’s also a valuation. Is there a yearly inflation correction? Balance of power is firmly in the corner of the largest…

True! Another reason why we need a more egalitarian society. If all the high earners are men, relationships are gonna be doomed with financial asymmetry. I think that sucks.

Unless you go the trad, Islamic route and say, "Yeah, this is my domestic slave." I think that sucks even more.

Re: The Never Married, a New Normal

#329

Post by chrsw »

throwaway1492 wrote: post #49

I’ll risk it and defend marriage to this crowd. To me getting married was about getting out of myself. As someone who got married later in life, I’d spent decades living only for myself, doing what I wanted to do when I wanted to do it. Relationships were shallow and lasted only so long as convenient. By choosing to get married and intentional build a family, I knew I was sacrificing a lot of ego and choosing to give…

I never got married but for me personally, I don't look at it as a choice, I look at it as an abject failure.

Re: The Never Married, a New Normal

#330

Post by maweaver »

One of the main legal benefits of marriage is being able to be financially dependent on someone else in a secure way. If one spouse decides to put their career on hold (or never begin one in the first place) while the other one works, they don't have to worry about being penniless and unable to provide for themselves in the case of the relationship ending. This becomes less crucial if both are working, which seems more common than ever.
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