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A guide to difficult conversations

medium.dave-bailey.com

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Re: A guide to difficult conversations

#321

Post by thatoneuser »

leesalminen wrote: post #126

I’m generally a good conversation participant, but this week has made me second guess myself. My father-in-law is currently hospitalized after his heart stopped this weekend. He’s currently in an induced coma. Brain damage is a foregone conclusion at this point and they’re unsure if he will ever regain consciousness. My wife and I happened to be on vacation in Costa Rica when this happened. We hopped on the next avai…

People go full retard in hospitals and hospice. You're probably just facing more emotional intensity than you're used to.

Re: A guide to difficult conversations

#322

Post by treyfitty »

leesalminen wrote: post #126

I’m generally a good conversation participant, but this week has made me second guess myself. My father-in-law is currently hospitalized after his heart stopped this weekend. He’s currently in an induced coma. Brain damage is a foregone conclusion at this point and they’re unsure if he will ever regain consciousness. My wife and I happened to be on vacation in Costa Rica when this happened. We hopped on the next avai…

I don’t know your brother in law, but what I can say is that the alternative isn’t better. I went through almost the same thing last year where my father suffered a heart attack and ultimately ended up in a vegetative state. Me, my sister, and my mother had different schedules, and we asked the same questions all the time. The doctors and social workers lost their patience all the time repeating themselves. In hindsight, it would’ve saved a lot of heartache and arguments with staff had we assigned 1 person to be this arbiter of information.

Just my 2c

Re: A guide to difficult conversations

#323

Post by tome »

rsweeney21 wrote: post #119

The formative years of my career were spent as a software engineer at Microsoft where communication was direct and sometimes harsh. Code reviews could be particularly harsh with comments like "this code is bad because..." or "this is unreadable." At first it was really hard, but eventually my skin got pretty think. I even came to love the efficiency of direct communication in programming. When I became a founder, the…

Satya Nadella, CEO of Microsoft for a few years now, has changed the company culture and his interest in Nonviolent Communication has been a part of that.

Re: A guide to difficult conversations

#324

Post by matwood »

rhgg wrote: post #151
matwood wrote: post #92

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Part of communicating is also building a relationship. I should know if you respond to blunt and direct and lean more in that direction when communicating with you. I have worked on remaining calm in high stress moments. In certain situations it drives my wife nuts that she is stressed/excited and I'm calm looking for a solution. What I learned is to reflect back some of her excitement from a stressful situation, but…

Glad to see someone else with the same issue. I've never thought about "putting on" a bit of stress as a way to calm her down. I suppose it's because they feel like they're in the wrong for being the only one who is expressing stress/excitement?

I don't think it's about feeling wrong, but more if someone is super calm it feels patronizing to the excited person. It is like their emotion or problem is not important.

Re: A guide to difficult conversations

#325

Post by peteforde »

FakeComments wrote: post #189
mercutio2 wrote: post #118

Earlier quoted context omitted.

You know, I was about to write a retort that disagreed vehemently, but I re-read and I think you’ve changed my mind. In the presence of a power imbalance, combined with a lack of mutual respect, I think you’re absolutely right that NVC style observations are worse than a direct command. If there’s no explanation that would lead me, the more powerful person, to change my mind about the behavior, then offering conversa…

Nothing poisons my respect for a manager faster than NVC style communication when they’re not actually listening to me, they’re merely trying to manipulate my emotions: it shows a deep contempt for me, as a person, and a view of me as a piece of equipment to be maintained rather than a partner in a collaboration.

Seeing through someone's half-assed attempts to use woo woo management strategy pablum is unquestionably infuriating. They don't have the integrity to just be wrong... they have to wrap it in passive-aggressive management talk. And then they do THAT poorly.

Meanwhile, putting in effort or even naturally just being someone that wants to empathize, find common ground and work towards a compromise is noble. When paired with good communication strategies and frankly when practiced through experience, you end up with highly likeable leaders who are the people you turn to in difficult times.

Don't hate the people who mean well but haven't learned to communicate like a pro. Save your anger for the people who are full of self-serving lies that don't even bother to manipulate you successfully because they don't really care how you feel.

The next time someone deploys Inexperienced Manager 101 aka "the shit sandwich" on you, ask yourself if they are malicious or just ignorant. It could be that they are just trying and failing.

Re: A guide to difficult conversations

#326

Post by karmelapple »

leesalminen wrote: post #126

I’m generally a good conversation participant, but this week has made me second guess myself. My father-in-law is currently hospitalized after his heart stopped this weekend. He’s currently in an induced coma. Brain damage is a foregone conclusion at this point and they’re unsure if he will ever regain consciousness. My wife and I happened to be on vacation in Costa Rica when this happened. We hopped on the next avai…

I’m sorry you went through this. Are you okay?

I’m encouraged to hear you’ve used NVC, since I have learned it, too, but it’s also educational to see in certain situations even that can have its limits.

Re: A guide to difficult conversations

#327

Post by roenxi »

weeksie wrote: post #14

It's funny because few things make me seethe like someone talking to me in this way during a high stress moment. The artifice is transparent and if the conversation is tense the tone is quite easy to read as condescension. I'm hardly dismissing NVC as a tactic, just that when done poorly it's worse than simply being direct.

NVC isn't a deescalation technique, so its' not that surprising that you've observed that. It is a communication technique, to make sure a message gets through without baggage attached.

In a sense, someone using NVC for deescalation and resorting to the actual formula of Saw [x], felt [Y], request [Z] is likely to not be very good at NVC. People who are really good at that style of communications are going to separate it out so they tell you needs up front, well before you need to know about them, make requests at the moment they want something, and then observations as things become apparent. All 3 at once usually means a surprise has emerged.

There is a pretty basic tell here - it isn't at all obvious why you'd be seething if someone observed a fact, felt strong emotion about it and bought it to your attention, even in a high stress situation. So either you've misinterpreted something (possible) or they aren't communicating - they are pressuring (pretty likely). It isn't called Non-Violent Get People To Do What You Want and trying to use it that way isn't going to work.

Re: A guide to difficult conversations

#328

Post by Gibbon1 »

excepttry wrote: post #260
FooBarWidget wrote: post #228

Earlier quoted context omitted.

I don't get it. What part of that question is aggressive? Arriving late is a fact. The author requests helping him understand what's happening -- not an unreasonable request, unless you think that author magically understanding the situation without any communication counts as reasonable. The author feels an emotion -- again, not unreasonable because emotions are private and are not a choice. The author does not give…

> It sounds like you expect people to give you the benefit of the doubt all the time, without needing to expend any effort communicating. I am saying there should be a culture of trust. What do you lose by trusting that your peer coworker did not intend to be late? If you don't trust your peers, you will create a hostile environment where everyone is on the defensive. I trust that my former coworker did not intend to…

> I agree that arriving late thrice is a fact. Calling it out can be done in a fair and neutral way.

Boss: Bob! Good you're here looks around the room we were all waiting for you.

Johnny: Sorry Bob I got hungry waiting so I ate your donut.

Re: A guide to difficult conversations

#329

Post by treis »

skosch wrote: post #209
wdrw wrote: post #145

Earlier quoted context omitted.

"3 numbers were inaccurate" (great job, that's way below average) "3 numbers were inaccurate" (just an FYI for next time, no big deal) "3 numbers were inaccurate" (and I am annoyed that I had to deal with the consequences, please ensure it doesn't happen again) "3 numbers were inaccurate" (but I understand the pressure you were under and the volume of work you had, so I don't see it as an ongoing problem) "3 numbers…

This is addressed later in the article. The whole formula is: "3 numbers were inaccurate. I feel frustrated because I keep having to [deal with the consequences]. Would you be able to [double-check all calculations from now on]?"

I don't see the purpose in sharing that I'm frustrated. Is it supposed to make the recipient feel bad?

Re: A guide to difficult conversations

#330

Post by andrei_says_ »

jschwartzi wrote: post #245
andrei_says_ wrote: post #152

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Sounds like she was using it as a technique to calm you down/try ad change how you feel (best intentions manipulation) vs a way to understand you and be close with you. The words by themselves can feel empty and patronizing.

The example doesn't sound manipulative at all. It sounds like she's calling attention to the underlying emotion that's driving her child to hate the teacher. Being able to recognize that is key to actually understanding why you do things. Hate is not an emotion, it's an evaluation of the teacher, and to behave like an adult you need to recognize why you have that evaulation.

I disagree. The example sounded like an attempt to manipulate the emotion by providing a mechanical response. It sounds a bit like a memorized technique applied without the underlying alignment necessary for true empathy.

NVC practice aims connection, not changing the other person’s emotional state. Thus the term manipulationnin my response.

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