Earlier quoted context omitted.
Isn't that just repackaged Stoicism?
And I choose to feel okay about that.
Come to think about it, it would be ironic if you didn't!
Why I Quit Being So Accommodating (1922)
321–330 of 335 posts
Re: Why I Quit Being So Accommodating (1922)
#322Earlier quoted context omitted.
>Think about it, how many people, other than your family, really give a shit if you live or die? That is actually one of the crucial realizations that helped me change my behavior towards others. It may seem hard to believe, but once I understood that interactions were more transactional than I had previously thought (in the sense that you always have to create some form of value for others since people don't care ab…
"The only thing I'm suggesting is that for people to consider you a certain way you have to act a certain way to meet their conscious and unconscious expectations, even if the charade is irrational as a whole. Think of it as a way to get a social baseline that will in turn help you have a more meaningful existence." It is oftentimes limiting too much - their expectations costs you. I get what you are saying and that…
I had similar thoughts as well at first. I chafed against the effort involved in dressing better, being more sociable, and a whole range of other habits. The surprising discovery I made in that case was that I started to like things I previously disliked (certain types of social activities) and lost interest in things I previously spent a lot of time on (mostly escapism). As I engaged more with the world my attitude changed, even though I retained the same core personality. I effectively passed a threshold beyond which the effort started to pay off in terms of satisfaction, to the point where it no longer seemed like a burden at all.
Of course, this is only my own experience and will not be relevant for most people. However, it's certainly a counter-intuitive notion that merits investigation. At the very least, it's quite helpful to critically evaluate your most common habits and patterns.
Re: Why I Quit Being So Accommodating (1922)
#323Earlier quoted context omitted.
> One method I found works disturbingly well is to have a busy life or cultivate the appearance of a busy life. There is nothing original about this. Practically everyone is doing all they can to pretend to be busy, to the point that many people actually believe that they are, and all to avoid meaningful interactions with the people around them. Meaningful interactions are risky and costly and modern people have lost…
I think we go through this arc where when we are young the world revolves around the opinions of others, then we think it resolves around us, and finally we realize that nobody gives a shit. The virtuous cycle is to learn what and who you care about. The vicious cycle is to shake your fist at the TV.
There's a lecture by Richard Hamming that I feel is quite relevant to your post.
http://www.cs.virginia.edu/~robins/YouAndYourResearch.html
Most of it is about research proper but he also includes a passage relating on how to respond to other people and which battles to choose.
Re: Why I Quit Being So Accommodating (1922)
#324Earlier quoted context omitted.
Just wanted to say thank you for this. I've already watched several of his videos this evening and started a monthly Patreon donation. So good!
Did you follow any kind of playlist? Could you provide a link?
Re: Why I Quit Being So Accommodating (1922)
#325Earlier quoted context omitted.
Accommodation and compromise are zero sum. You're leaving a lot on the table if that's the extent of your paradigm. Here's a sample model: http://righttojoy.com/wp-content/uploads/2010/12/Assertive-v... Collaboration is value-generating. It takes more effort and yields more return. Rather than 'pushing back' you work together to understand what is important to each party and find ways to meet those needs. This must b…
How do you collaborate on something like a technical decision which is black or white?
Like this:
http://www.fao.org/docrep/008/a0032e/a0032e0w.jpg
Your technical preference is a position you take to achieve your interests. To collaborate, you have to be willing to reveal and effectively articulate your underlying interests.
Re: Why I Quit Being So Accommodating (1922)
#326Earlier quoted context omitted.
I just say "ooohhh, I'd love to, but I have an excuse :(". Most people don't get it, but they're confused long enough for me to escape.
My current go-to is "I'd love to, but I can't because I'm folding t-shirts at that time". Humorous rejection for those who get it, passes the photocopier 'because' test which actually suffices for many, and achieves your confusion/escape route for most of the rest!
"I have to wax my cat"
I have no idea where I got that line from, but it's stuck because of it's absurdist hilarity.
I don't say this as a serious reply of course. It's intended to communicate that the nature of the request is such that I feel I shouldn't even have to decline it. In practice usually it just generates friendly confusion, which benefits all parties.
disclaimer: I don't have a cat. Nor would I wax one if I did.
Re: Why I Quit Being So Accommodating (1922)
#327Earlier quoted context omitted.
Here is my strategy: Say "No" without a reason, but give at some reasonable alternatives. I will not lie. "No, I can't do that for you at 5pm on a Friday. I can have it for you by noon on Monday, you can ask X to do the work, or you can invent a time machine and go back 24-hours and give the work to me yesterday."
This still puts the 'requestee' in a bind. Why should s/he have to think-of/figure-out an alternative? The requestor should be able to take a "no" for an answer and not feel entitled. Of course gentleness and politeness (usually) go a long way in making it easier.
Yes, always be polite. I find if you give some reasonable alternatives, they often take one of them. Sometimes you need to let them talk a little more to find out really what they are trying to accomplish and what the priorities are.
I have incorrectly assumed that time or money were the priorities, but with a little more information found out something else was really driving the request.
Re: Why I Quit Being So Accommodating (1922)
#328Earlier quoted context omitted.
One method I found works disturbingly well is to have a busy life or cultivate the appearance of a busy life. It's counter-intuitive for some and obvious for others, but people will value you more if you are less available whereas they will treat your time with increasing contempt if you can be reached and interrupted easily. With this reputation in place, people are much less likely to try to trick you into doing wh…
> One method I found works disturbingly well is to have a busy life or cultivate the appearance of a busy life. There is nothing original about this. Practically everyone is doing all they can to pretend to be busy, to the point that many people actually believe that they are, and all to avoid meaningful interactions with the people around them. Meaningful interactions are risky and costly and modern people have lost…
It is disturbing to see people standing on both ends of the spectrum and arguing. And assuming everyone belongs to either. Author claims clearly to have gone through difficulties his whole life for being so "accommodating". While he was so wrong if he were advising against being "good" to people in general, it is also not acceptable that someone who hasn't tasted any bitterness for being eternally "good" to outright negate author's views. I would expect more sense on HN.
To quote Seth Rogen - It is not binary
Re: Why I Quit Being So Accommodating (1922)
#329As someone who trends towards heavily accommodating, I often seem to find my actions that I judge as selfish or arrogant are the ones that I get respect for. Definitely a phenomena I don't understand, but its real so it should be very valuable to learn where to draw the line.
I think it's probably related to the fact that, for most people, there's a right amount of selfish and that amount isn't anywhere near 0. People would much rather get a no than a reluctant yes, even if they themselves don't realise this.
Re: Why I Quit Being So Accommodating (1922)
#330Earlier quoted context omitted.
Yet the belief persists that there can be such a thing as a single, unitary culture, somehow satisfactory to all. But perhaps you're right that this idea actually is amenable to simple reason and persuasion, and it's a mere accident of history that, in every prior case where it's been at issue, the issue has eventually been decided by means of force.
Well, firstly, the ability to make rationally optimal decisions is not merely a matter of cultural preference. Promoting the ability to make decisions which marginalize errors generally - under arbitrary goals - does not inhibit anyone from having a satisfying culture. Rationalism doesn't choose your goals, it determines the optimal way to achieve them. Now, it does inhibit people from participating in a culture whic…
> if you put me on a raft out in the ocean and ask me whether we should shoot and eat the Christian or the Atheist, I'm going to ask "which one of them asserts their death will result in a state of unending glory and euphoria while preserving the 'existence' of their mental state?" Because that's the one that should be killed
See what I mean when I talk about progressivism? Heretical it may be, but the truth of God shines through nonetheless. For all the wrong reasons, from all the wrong priors - you misunderstand the nature of death and that which follows after, and the nature of life and what it means to follow Christ - yet we still come up with precisely the same answer: "This is my body, which is given for you."