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What If You Could Do It All Over?

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Re: What If You Could Do It All Over?

#311

Post by brabel »

colmvp wrote: post #37

I don't have a kid, but I tell my nieces/nephews that while they are young to search for and practice something that interests them. Could be painting, coding, dancing, chess, languages, music, karate... anything that they enjoy doing that involves being an active participant in the process. Because by the time they are in their late teens / early 20s, they'll have thousands of hours of practice under their belt and…

Early teens is a time when kids should focus on social activities, not be obsessed by some individualistic activity... because the most important skill they can develop at this age is their social skill. I would trade my best technical skills for better social skills (which I didn't manage to develop at this crucial age) as I can see from experience now that that's what brings you what really matters in life: good friends, success in romantic relationships, even success at work where I observe that most people who get "promoted" are the people who others like, not necessarily the best technically.

Re: What If You Could Do It All Over?

#312

Post by inglor_cz »

ternaryoperator wrote: post #259
warent wrote: post #160

Earlier quoted context omitted.

I've never really understood what this means. Did people in their 20s have their life pretty well together in the past? or does it mean when you're in your 30s is the best time to start partying and throwing caution to the wind? Is your 30s when you first leave home and get a higher education? It's really a really confusing turn of phrase to me. I must be missing context

In my parents' generation, there was a lot of pressure to have children before 30. There was a widespread belief that giving birth after 30 risked the health of the mother and the child. As medicine advanced and neonatal care greatly improved, that deadline was pushed back and women started to seriously entertain the idea of careers before having children. There are other cultural and societal factors at play, but th…

From a 42 y.o. with 34 y.o. spouse who are undergoing IVF: the drop-off of fertility after 35 is still very real.

There may be future interventions that correct for that, but generally, quality of ova starts declining after 30 and much more so after 35.

Re: What If You Could Do It All Over?

#313

Post by IkmoIkmo »

bonniemuffin wrote: post #190
dorchadas wrote: post #144

Earlier quoted context omitted.

As someone who feels like I've wasted most of my 20s since graduating university (turning 29 in 2021) with a job(s) I don't see any future in, man this hits hard. My lack of risk taking, and an unfortunately timed death in the family in 2016, really are me sitting there watching these figs dry up. Damn.

I executed a major career pivot at age 32 and now that I'm approaching 40, I'm so glad I did. It was hard but worth it. You have plenty of time, as long as you can put aside the feelings that you've waited too long and start looking for a path from your current life to the life you want. Those feelings will only hold you back. Now is a good time to pick a fig and start eating it. :)

Could you share a little more of your story?

Re: What If You Could Do It All Over?

#314

Post by tailspin2019 »

kodah wrote: post #84

Much of my life hasn't played out how I expected. I had dreams like many people in high school and none of them came true. Instead of finishing college I joined the military after the stock market collapse in 2008/9. Impressions were left on me throughout my early life that I only came to know as an adult. My family got sick, I ruined the relationship that I'd worked for, and at times I alienated people close to me o…

I think we're a similar age. Based on this comment I wish I had half the wisdom that you do.

> My twenties were filled with stress, frustration, confusion, and at times anger.

Similar for me, but like you, I'm a different (I think better) person as a result, so it's difficult to wish I'd had an easier time.

> ...climb a ladder without a degree thanks in much part to people who saw in me what I could only hoped to have seen in myself.

I will be forever grateful to the people I had in my life that did this for me too. I've been exceptionally lucky in this respect.

> Here I am considering selling all my belongings, buying a truck and an RV to go embrace the new open road that is remote work.

This sounds awesome. Good luck!!

Re: What If You Could Do It All Over?

#315

Post by tailspin2019 »

kodah wrote: post #289
pram wrote: post #217

Earlier quoted context omitted.

This isn't as uncommon a path as you might believe. I was enlisted in the USAF from 2005-2010, spent months and months Iraq and Afghanistan etc. I have a $500k house with a literal fig tree in my backyard now. I don't assume people in my position or better had an easier time just because they went to college. One of my best friends is a Physics PhD from an Ivy League and he's a complete wreck so, it doesn't necessari…

I have a hard time believing that a computer scientist or engineer from a top school will not have an easier time gaining admittance into software engineering than someone not. Anyone not will always have a proverbial hill to climb. I would agree that continued success has diminishing returns from a degree. This is often the argument for designing interviews that reflect real world work. That said, my point was reall…

> I have a hard time believing that a computer scientist or engineer from a top school will not have an easier time gaining admittance into software engineering than someone not.

I think you both may be right. I would imagine that the formal education makes it a bit easier to "get your foot in the door" in the first place, when you're competing "on paper" with others. But once you are in the industry, performance and track record counts for a lot more.

In other words the degree probably does make it easier. But it might be only 20% easier and perhaps not 80-90% as some might assume.

Depends on your chosen specialisation too of course. I managed to pick a career in just the right area of software development where I could get away with having had a pitiful amount of education :-)

Re: What If You Could Do It All Over?

#316

Post by brabel »

_nckn wrote: post #95

I always consider my life is strange. Born in a 3rd world country in a broken home, families fight like in drama, many divorces and remarriage. I went where whoever my current father at that time went, moving from city to city, school to school. Then I find myself in the US, from odd jobs such as dry clean, laundry, sushi, deli, to church admin, to now working as SWE in one of big US tech company in NYC. Married a wi…

I have a similar life, though without the part of a broken home at childhood (parents fought but not out of ordinary I think). It's really hard not being able to visit family often, at most once a year (if you're lucky and if there's no pandemics stopping you!).

The hardest part for me is that my wife doesn't like my family, so she refuses to visit them... as half the family lives in one country and half in another, and we're in yet another country, it's almost impossible for us to unite the whole family. My parents never met hers... and I only met my brother's youngest child when she was already 5. Last time I went to visit my parents I went alone... and again last time I went to visit my brother (who lives on the other side of the planet from my parents - I live almost in the middle). Sometimes I wish I hadn't started the wave of moving to some other country (which my sister, then my brother followed years later)... as they moved to the country I'd been in, I had already moved again to another country because of my wife. Now I am finally planning to have kids (quite late but still time) I wonder how we're going to manage without any family nearby... and how my parents will feel when we never come to visit... that's if I convince the wife to get a kid, we're running out of time quickly and she doesn't seem at all bothered by it.

I'm in a position I must make a decision: perhaps go back to my country and get a new wife there (even though I would hate to go through a divorce) close to at least some of my family... or just let the time pass by and wait for the inevitable, letting old age arrive and die without a family on a strange country. How can I know what to do?! Leaving this great country where I am will probably be the biggest mistake I will ever make (I have a good job, great house and extreme social security here - none of which I would have in my own country), but staying here will likely lead to a meaningless, though comfortable life. What would you do?

Re: What If You Could Do It All Over?

#317

Post by tailspin2019 »

AYBABTME wrote: post #106
kodah wrote: post #84

Much of my life hasn't played out how I expected. I had dreams like many people in high school and none of them came true. Instead of finishing college I joined the military after the stock market collapse in 2008/9. Impressions were left on me throughout my early life that I only came to know as an adult. My family got sick, I ruined the relationship that I'd worked for, and at times I alienated people close to me o…

I've had a very strangely similar path, however I still haven't given up on my teenage dreams: call me delusional! I like to think the military gave me the will strength to push until I get some (imperfect) version of what I want, and not let setbacks paint my forward outlook too much. I'd agree with your conclusion and encourage you to sell everything and go have fun.

You're not delusional

Re: What If You Could Do It All Over?

#318

Post by CaptArmchair »

teekert wrote: post #284
acwan93 wrote: post #8

This reminds me of “The Bell Jar” by Sylvia Plath, which has a quote Aziz Ansari used in his series “Master of None”: > "I saw my life branching out before me like the green fig tree in the story. From the tip of every branch, like a fat purple fig, a wonderful future beckoned and winked. One fig was a husband and a happy home and children, and another fig was a famous poet and another fig was a brilliant professor,…

What I don't like about this quote is that it pretends you just have to choose between all these attractive and worthwhile goals and that the choosing is the difficult part. In reality though you may opt for a career, leave the family but fail. Or you may put your career on a lower pitch only to have your wife and you decide it won't really work out. In reality, it's more like you start to climb for a fat purple fig…

The quote makes more sense if you take a look at the life of its author, Sylvia Plath. [1]

She struggled with mental health issues and depression most of her life. She excelled academically and she was driven to write, but at the same time, she struggled with her own self. Her life is marked by several suicide attempts.

She married the poet Ted Hughes and moved around frequently during their short marriage. While she was ambitious, a deep sense of anxiety kept her from exploring and expressing her own identity through her writing.

Most of her poetry was written during a short burst of creativity, over the course of a few months, in late 1962. She died of suicide in 1963. Her famous novel, The Bell Jar, was published a month before her death. Major themes in this novel include "socially acceptable identity" and mental health. [2]

[1] https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Sylvia_Plath [2] https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Bell_Jar

Your criticism is a certainly correct, but would have been removed to the author of the quote. As Plath received treatment and openly discussed her mental health issues, undoubtedly she was told this many times over.

Re: What If You Could Do It All Over?

#319

Post by state_less »

teekert wrote: post #284
acwan93 wrote: post #8

This reminds me of “The Bell Jar” by Sylvia Plath, which has a quote Aziz Ansari used in his series “Master of None”: > "I saw my life branching out before me like the green fig tree in the story. From the tip of every branch, like a fat purple fig, a wonderful future beckoned and winked. One fig was a husband and a happy home and children, and another fig was a famous poet and another fig was a brilliant professor,…

What I don't like about this quote is that it pretends you just have to choose between all these attractive and worthwhile goals and that the choosing is the difficult part. In reality though you may opt for a career, leave the family but fail. Or you may put your career on a lower pitch only to have your wife and you decide it won't really work out. In reality, it's more like you start to climb for a fat purple fig…

You might try picking some of the figs that are at ground level and see how they taste, if good, generalize to the whole tree and decide if it’s worth the climb.

You might find someone climbing the tree and ask them if they could tell you how they taste up top.

Sitting in the crotch of the tree lamenting your situation is a fig too. We all bite into a sour one every now and again.

Re: What If You Could Do It All Over?

#320

Post by alkank »

rubicon33 wrote: post #258
jes wrote: post #252

I'm 61, male, and started in software back in the mid 70s. First computer that I could physically touch was a PDP-8/M with an ASR-33 teletype with paper tape reader and punch. In my mid-50s, I started listening to Alan Watts and learning about ancient Indian religions / philosophies. My world-view today is some kind of cross between Zen Buddhism and Advaita Vedanta. I'm a free will skeptic, as well. While I'm not par…

I share a lot with how you view the world, but could probably stand to learn a lot from you as well. I'm in my mid 30s, software developer, and generally open to spirituality but not in the conventional, western, judeo-christian sense. One of my foundations of belief is that life is entirely about probabilities and chance. It's a sort of guiding force that I follow. I view everything similarly to how you do, in that…

I am quite excited to hear someone having almost identical views as I do, also being a software engineer (almost) in my mid 30s.

As you also indicated I genuinely struggle to find people with similar frequencies and views.

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