311–320 of 433 posts
Most of the other lies aren't accompanied by mandatory genital mutilation.
Earlier quoted context omitted.
So then what is the response when someone else's child asks those example questions? If a child asks you if there is a God, do you try to convert them to whatever you believe?
I say what I think. I don't think saying "doesn't seem to exist, but many people believe" may harm any kid. If a kid asks me of sexual stuff, i'll think twice, because what I say can be transmitted to parents in a different shape. Let me ask: will you answer "ask your parents" in the same situations? About the religion - do you consciously try to avoid confronting a kid with your beliefs (that may be different)? (jus…
For the most part, what I tell my son is the truth, though surrounded what I consider to be an appropriate perspective.[1] I think moral authority is important as a parent, and I think that is more solidly gained by telling your child the truth, so that they know they can ask a question of you and you'll give them a straight, true answer, as best you can. Lying about your own foibles, as PG points out, is a "cheap" method of gaining moral authority that backfires badly.
[1] I think a lot of "lies" we tell children have to do with that surrounding perspective. When we lie to avoid discussing certain subjects, it's because a child is not yet equipped to understand enough of the surrounding perspective to make it worth trying to understand the "truth".
"What's masturbation Dad?"
I had an answer. I'd been thinking about it for two years. Just allowing the proper answer to surface.
This is near and dear for me. I'm in the process of introducing Online Courses for parents to learn methods of raising children without lying.
I answered his question without lying.
Two years ago, when he was six, my son Romeo and I went to a 20/20 Video store which specializes in new, used, and adult DVDs. Their selection is broad and the set-up is family friendly. All the commercial releases are set up in racks in the front of the store. The back third of the store is walled off w/ a curtain for the adult titles.
We were scanning titles one day and I looked around at one point to notice my son had disappeared. I called his name and began looking for him. A moment or two later he popped out of the adult section, red-faced and embarrassed. This is a huge moment for impacting the child positively or negatively.
"Romeo, come here," I said to him.
He wouldn't come.
I knelt down to be on his eye level and it was clear he knew this moment was important to me.
"Come here," I said, opening my arms to him.
He wouldn't move.
I moved toward him on my knees and he backed slowly away.
"You're not in trouble," I told him.
"I don't want to come to you," he told me clearly.
"It's your choice," I replied. "You are big enough to decide what to do with your body."
He softened.
"And... this important for us to talk about. I'll be ready in the next day or two, and I encourage you to let me know when you are ready too."
He softened some more. "Okay, Dad."
Two days went by.
We were sitting on the couch and between commercials I paused the DVR and said, "I'm waiting for you to let me know when you are ready to talk about what happened at the store the other day."
He flushed, but seemed open.
"Tell me if now is the time," I stated.
He nodded.
"So, tell me what that was like for you."
He froze.
"Tell me if you liked what you saw and are interested in learning more, or if it was not interesting to you."
Quietly, he said, "I'd like to know more about that."
"Tell me what you know about it so far," I encouraged.
"It has something to do with making babies and being married," he mentioned.
Not bad. At that age to connect sex and porn to marriage and babies with little prior context. I was proud of him.
"Well," I said, "we can always talk more about this. There is nothing wrong with bringing this kind of thing to me. My job as your dad is to help you prepare for success in your life. Sex and women and those kinds of movies are a small part of your whole life, and, they are important. So remember to bring all of those kinds of questions to me."
He nodded and smiled.
"Thanks for making that easy, Dad," he said.
"Sure. And just so you know, the way our society is set up, that room in the DVD store is for people who are 18 years old and up."
He looked at me carefully. "So I should probably only go there with you?"
Smiling I replied, "We'll probably wait a little bit until we do that, but we can. One day. And just so you know, wanting to know more about sex and women and marriage and those kinds of movies is perfectly healthy."
So, I wasn't surprised two years later when he called with the question about masturbation.
Just a few weeks earlier we'd been talking about puberty and what to expect. A wonderful friend of mine had been talking about all the hormones and mood swings his 10-year old daughter was going through. It reminded me how much my son prefers to be prepared for changes of any size.
When we spoke about puberty I invited him to tell me what he already knew about it.
"Your voice drops and you start getting really strong and really hairy," he told me.
"And tell me what else you know about it," I encouraged.
"Well, its time to start dating and getting together with girls. They get breasts and want you to spend money on them," he finished.
Hmmm...
"Where did you learn this?" I asked.
"Just around."
"Okay," I replied. "How about I tell you what I think is missing from that."
He nodded.
"Your body is going to be going through a lot of chemical changes inside. The point of them is to help you grow responsible for yourself when you live on your own. They'll steer you into relationships with people so you can learn more about sharing yourself as an adult. Sex becomes very interesting and women become very mysterious. I'm here to help you learn what I know about it and when you need help outside of me you have your Uncle to talk to."
"Okay, Dad."
And that was pretty much it. Until he called me and asked "What is masturbation?"
It was just like you outlined Paul. He was with his best friend's Grandmother and both boys had asked her the question to begin with.
She immediately told them they'd have to ask their Dad's.
My son, I'm proud to say, asked if he could call me that minute.
I was renting videos at that time and didn't recognize the number on my phone, but I took the call just sensing that there was some importance to it.
"Dad, I have a question," came his little voice through the headset.
"Sure son, what is it?"
By now you know what he asked.
And I was stoked to give him the info he needed.
"Romeo, remember when we were talking about Puberty the other day?"
"Yes."
"Okay, well this is related. Tell me what you know about Masturbation so far."
"Nothing. I just heard it on an episode of Family Guy."
Great.
"Okay, when people pass into puberty their bodies are going through all these chemical and hormonal changes. Some of the ways they use all that energy are physical. People join sports teams or acting classes or learn to express themselves in new ways. And, some of the energy can only be expressed sexually, which means when two people come together and share their bodies physically. Kinda like in the movies when people kiss, only they take it farther."
"Yeah," he said, to make sure I knew he was listening.
"Now," I told him, "not everyone has someone they can express themselves sexually with and they still need a physical release of that kind of energy. So, for men, they'll play with their penises until sperm comes out and it can make a big change in their quality of attention."
"Okay, Dad. And for women, they play with their vagina?"
"Exactly."
"How soon am I supposed to start?"
"There's no 'supposed to', son. And, I'm pretty sure you'll know when it is," I assured him.
He paused.
"Do you have any other questions?" I asked.
"I don't think so."
"How was that for you? To hear my answer?" I asked.
"Fine," he replied sincerely.
"Did you notice yourself getting uncomfortable?"
"No." He sounded as though it were no big deal. As if he expected me to have accurate and complete information. He also sounded as though he were totally at ease having this conversation over the phone in front of his best friend and best-friend's Grandmother.
Realizing I'd been on speaker this whole time I asked the Grandmother if I'd missed anything.
"No, I think you got it," she replied. Hearing her embarrassment over the phone I could tell she was eager to wrap this up.
"Romeo? Do you have any more questions about this?"
"Nope," he replied, satisfied. "Talk to you later."
We've since spoken once or twice about the topic and it is still with the comfort and ease of that call. Over the years he's realized I'm a safe place to bring this type of thing.
Now I'm no parenting expert. I'm a student. And I'm passionate about raising children to take responsibility for themselves from the beginning.
Teaching children responsibility is a skill. It is a practice. And having the kind of result I'm pointing to above is a choice.
I'm really grateful Paul brought this up because it is really critical stuff. I'm in the process of launching a site for parents who are seeking tools and techniques which can allow them to move their families from struggle to cooperation.
It's all based on the work of Dr. Jayne A. Major, Ph.D. If you are interested in getting some of her best work check out a simple introduction page at http://breakthroughparentinginaction.com/announcements/first... and take a peak.
Most of her work is available there with no commitments. For the sake of transparency, she and I are business partners and we are launching a series of offerings in the coming months that speak to this topic of how to raise children very specifically.
Thank you Paul for tackling this one. It is pivotal to our children's futures.
You are not supposed to talk about death. Keep silent at the cemetary. etc.
Earlier quoted context omitted.
I teach my child not to swear because OTHER adults think there's something wrong with it. I truly don't give a fuck, but I don't want my son to be banned from his best friend's house because his mom heard him say "fuck."
My 12 year old's school allows swearing, and while it is curiously disturbing to hear a six year old swearing like a sailor while playing a video game, it is interesting to see what happens to the older kids as the novelty wears off. I allow my child to swear, but he respects which words I would rather not hear around the house, and I've never heard him swear when it was inappropriate. So, I teach my son how not to b…
Earlier quoted context omitted.
I there are plenty of taboo words, but they have changed over time. 50 years ago people had no problem saying extremely racist or sexist things in the open but now it's a new taboo. IMO taboo words relate to taboo thoughts. The odd things is the FCC is not what's keeping really taboo words off the air but they still keep the old guard of psudo taboo words off of prime time.
I doubt taboo words are (always, or necessarily) related to taboo thoughts. It's not taboo to think about fucking, but in many contexts it's taboo to use the word instead of its "milder" alternatives.
PS: It's not accurate but many people still think the world started with: "Found/ Under Carnal Knowledge" or "For Unlawful Carnal Knowledge" which comes back to the idea that the word means more than just the act of procreation.
Does it count as a 'lie' if it is believed by the parent? The reason that parents don't want kids to swear is because they genuinely believe that it is wrong for some reason. The don't know the reason themselves, and so break the rule and become hypocrites, but they still believe that it is wrong and want their children to do better than they did. With regard to group identity (and religion,) most parents actually ad…
"Sometimes the things that may or may not be true are the things a man needs to believe in the most. That people are basically good; that honor, courage, and virtue mean everything; that power and money, money and power mean nothing; that good always triumphs over evil; and I want you to remember this, that love... true love never dies. You remember that, boy. You remember that. Doesn't matter if it's true or not. You see, a man should believe in those things, because those are the things worth believing in."
A couple comments on minor points in your essay:
1) George Washington Carver is, or should be, known for his work for southern farmers and for his research and promotion of legumes and sweet potatoes including several interesting inventions. He is not one of the great scientists like Einstein, Hawking, Newton, etc. He probably is more famous because he was black, but that's not to say his contribution was insignificant. It wasn't.
2) You tend to hear (or read) two opinions about grade school teachers depending on the person: either they are tireless crusaders with hearts of gold or they are mediocre "if you can't's" that live for June, July and August.
I think the truth is more complex. Not all public school teachers were mediocre students. That's the tendency, and it's likely because in many parts of the country they don't get paid a comparable wage. The better students find higher paying jobs. I am an elementary school teacher myself who graduated with honors.
Elementary teachers have to be knowledgeable in EVERYTHING, including child development, literacy, mathematics, social sciences, writing, art and design, physical education, earth science, life science, physical science, etc. What would that be like to attempt to teach students all those various facets of human knowledge? Easy? Well, they're young. How complex could it be?
You'd be surprised how difficult. And you'd likely be intimidated. I'm sometimes intimidated still after 13 years of teaching elementary. Further, one of the most difficult parts of the job is teaching students who could care less and would rather raise an uproar! You wouldn't believe how bad it is.
So, grade school teachers don't know everything? Not experts in their fields? Surprising? At those mediocre salaries (in many parts of the country)?
Just something to think about.
Most lies are of a statistical nature. Moving to the suburbs is a good example. You're seeing lots of true things that aren't statistically representative. The extensive coverage of protected groups in history texts is the same way. Look at some different lies: 1. "Grandma went to heaven." False. 2. "God doesn't kill good people." False, but containing a moral lesson. 3. "Your parents won't die." False, but translate…
"Grandma went to heaven" is not falsifiable. I'd prefer keeping this discussion focused on falsifiable lies. Let those of us who believe in the resurrection of Jesus, the coming of the semantic web, or other supernatural phenomena believe what we want to believe.
We may not yet have built the instrument that can detect souls, or engineered the successor beings that can perceive heaven, or been visited by the magician whose wand can open the door to it, but those are mere practical and technological considerations, not propositional ones.
Religion can, and has, made many falsifiable claims (and they have all been falsified, when put to the test). The ones we haven't got around to yet are no different. From a scientific perspective there's no inherent difference between paranormal claims made in the context of a centuries-old religion and those made in the context of a psychic snake oil salesman.
The separation between "matters of faith" and "matters of science" is itself a lie we tell ourselves and each other so we can tolerate living in a world populated by irrational people and irrational beliefs. But it's artifice, there's no reason any actual phenomenon can't be investigated "scientifically."
regarding dying: One of the most vivid memories I have from childhood is the time my father told me he was going to die. It was quite simple, he said, "someday I will die, when I die, here is what I want you to do...." Its one of those things that shaped my whole view of the world, I think I has 10 or 11. Its more amazing to me now that I have a son, that he had the courage to be so honest.