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‘I’m Broke and Mostly Friendless, and I’ve Wasted My Whole Life’

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Re: ‘I’m Broke and Mostly Friendless, and I’ve Wasted My Whole Life’

#311

Post by brootstrap »

40acres wrote: post #262
icsllaf wrote: post #211

Earlier quoted context omitted.

If you've been with your girlfriend for 13 years, how have you guys been managing the movements? Does she follow you to your new job or do you follow her?

When I was in Boston and her in NYC we would drive up every other weekend to visit. I moved to the west coast and tried to make one trip every other month while we did the long distance thing.. she eventually got a job at my company and for the past two years we've been living together. However we both are about ready to move again and are preparing to be separated again, but this time we're trying to align our movem…

damn dude that is rough. I did 3 years apart from my GF before she moved in with me. 13 years is redic haha. After a few years of dating and multiple years of long distance i was like 'move down here and lets fuckin do it babe!' . we dids it all right and marriage is great, even though she brought along 63k debt from grad school =(

Re: ‘I’m Broke and Mostly Friendless, and I’ve Wasted My Whole Life’

#312

Post by badpun »

ryanmercer wrote: post #210
wlll wrote: post #157

Earlier quoted context omitted.

> friendless Do you get out much? I was friendless for a year until I went to the local Linux Users group. Now, almost all my friends (except one old school friend I re-connected with a year ago) are Ruby or Go user group people. I get to see them all twice a month, I invite some of them to my birthdays, we get beers after the meetups. If it weren't for these people I'd have no friends either. Oh, sure, no-one is goi…

>Do you get out much? I train at two gyms 4 days a week, aside from my coach saying hi to me and occasionally bye to me everyone talks to each other and I'm off to the side effectively invisible. I'm an SCAdian. Every few years I'll email the baron or baroness and the seneschal and say hey I'm going to come to fighter practice, haven't been around, could you introduce me to people. They do and without fail 5 minutes…

I suspect a good therapist could be a great help for you. As you said yourself, you don't understand why people react to you the way the do. The reason will probably be obvious to experienced therapist, and he/she will be able to create a plan for you to correct whatever's wrong.

Re: ‘I’m Broke and Mostly Friendless, and I’ve Wasted My Whole Life’

#313

Post by danielor »

vasilipupkin wrote: post #198
danielor wrote: post #85

Her story is sad. She seems lost, and I do not think she was helped very well by Polly. A lot of people feeling lost nowadays end up on the wrong side of 40 with little to show for it. It is heartbreaking to watch and must be terribly difficult for the families and people involved.

what is this obsession with having "something to show for it"? why is it not enough to just be a normal, decent human being?

It should be enough. Society puts a heavy burden on all of us to succeed in some way. It is hard to escape it.

Re: ‘I’m Broke and Mostly Friendless, and I’ve Wasted My Whole Life’

#314

Post by maratd »

jf- wrote: post #223
GlenTheMachine wrote: post #145

This probably won't be popular, but what the hell. I feel like, if you strip away the outward trappings and dogma, this is what religion is good for. Not in a "believe in Jesus" or "trust in God" kind of way, but in a "how to orient your life" kind of way. Which is to say, the actually useful portion of religion generally teaches that your best life is probably not focused on you. It isn't about finding yourself, or…

That’s more a value system, or maybe an ideology, than a religion. Though I’ll agree the two do more or less occupy the same cognitive space. There is no need for anything mystical to be involved. Today we are experimenting with new phenomena that have never been available to humanity en mass. Effective birth control, gender equality, freedom from restrictive social norms, all of these are very new, and indeed evolut…

> Today we are experimenting with new phenomena

Pretty sure every generation from the beginning of time has thought of itself as a pioneer exposed to new forces and new phenomena. It's a bit arrogant to think that you're the one and only.

There are a multitude of other changes that have transformed our environment (agriculture, spoken language, written language, barter, commerce, etc.) over the millennia.

> There is no need for anything mystical to be involved.

And yet something mystical has been involved for thousands of years, in virtually every culture. When we tried to eradicate it forcefully (communism), bad things happened. Perhaps there's more to it than you think?

Re: ‘I’m Broke and Mostly Friendless, and I’ve Wasted My Whole Life’

#315

Post by hoaw »

nostromo wrote: post #10

I think the parents of many 20 and 30-somethings played a role in so many young(ish) adults failing to launch. American parents could learn a thing or two about parenting from previous generations and from a lot of immigrant families: nobody owes you anything, plan for a rainy day, find a partner you love and commit to them, work hard, cherish friends and family even when it's difficult, etc. I think parenting has ov…

I get why you would say that and why it is alluring for people to agree, it even is for me to some extent. But I don't really see any, even indication of, evidence that it would be true. I think you are confusing cause and effect.

The people who are spinning their wheels aren't the once who just want a decent job and modest life. It is if you don't want to go into debt, you don't to move to a major city, you can't or don't want to get help from your parent and you believe in making your own way that you are spinning your wheels. The "follow you bliss" kids are all getting money from their parents.

It is easy to have an opinion about how other people should live their lives. So just tel me, after they had your ideal upbringing, what do they do then and why would they not in that scenario benefit from essentially being spoiled?

Re: ‘I’m Broke and Mostly Friendless, and I’ve Wasted My Whole Life’

#316

Post by badpun »

kennxfl wrote: post #122
EGreg wrote: post #45

I would recommend two things to this woman: 1) declare bankruptcy to get rid of your debts and start over 2) join a religious community, those folks commit much faster!

What if at 55 she realizes she wasted her time reading folklore of non-existent super beings, time she could have used to advance her art or volunteer for actual charities and impact the world?

If religion makes her feel better, it's plenty of impact.

Re: ‘I’m Broke and Mostly Friendless, and I’ve Wasted My Whole Life’

#317

Post by greycol »

dragonwriter wrote: post #299
radiator wrote: post #280

Earlier quoted context omitted.

It is so true. A woman thinking about her declining fertility for the first time in the age of 35? This only happens in modern western countries, where feminism has convinced women: "do not marry early", "explore your feelings", "meet new people", "have a career", "children and family oppress you" and so on. Of course, such things were unheard of some decades ago, and still are in many parts of the world, where women…

> I am sorry, but of course there is no hope of a normal family for a woman of this age. Eh. While we married much younger, my wife and I had our two kids when she was 38 and 40, and we have age peers who found life partners around or after 35. Unless you are involving a simple tautology by defining “normal family” to be one started before leaving the 20s or something like that, you are just dead wrong.

Exactly, while the ease and likelihood of "having it all" are likely oversold, and an argument for ensuring that kids realize that adults don't get a trophy just for showing up is worth having, pretending that people can't start a family in there 30s from no current relationship (especially if they're willing to make it a focus) is ridiculous.

Re: ‘I’m Broke and Mostly Friendless, and I’ve Wasted My Whole Life’

#318

Post by brootstrap »

LeifCarrotson wrote: post #193
camelNotation wrote: post #105

I married very young. My wife and I had very little, both were working jobs for close to minimum wage with no marketable skills between us. So we sat down and decided what we wanted. We both wanted kids, she wanted to stay home with them when they were young. We both wanted a house of our own. We both wanted to live somewhere with family and friends that we could rely on to help us lay down roots and build that home.…

> So we sat down and decided what we wanted. How did you know that's what you wanted? What gives you the authority to say that's the best path for everyone? Consider an analogy for me - you mentioned travel. Have you ever driven through the mountains? Hiked up a few? Even from the road, it's easy to look up and see spectacular peaks calling out your name, begging to be climbed. And coming from a flat, midwestern stat…

Sounds like I am in a similar boat, 28 here... I feel some similar feelings now after having a kid, i dont want to work all week I want to do stuff with my family. It's possible to retire earlier but requires sacrifice now. Stash as much $$$ as you can away.

Also i think i'm just lucky but my software job has been pretty smooth sailing i got very lucky with my company. The weeks are going by so fast now, i just cruise thru the workday and cant wait to go home and see my little baby!

Re: ‘I’m Broke and Mostly Friendless, and I’ve Wasted My Whole Life’

#319

Post by illegalsmile »

LeifCarrotson wrote: post #193
camelNotation wrote: post #105

I married very young. My wife and I had very little, both were working jobs for close to minimum wage with no marketable skills between us. So we sat down and decided what we wanted. We both wanted kids, she wanted to stay home with them when they were young. We both wanted a house of our own. We both wanted to live somewhere with family and friends that we could rely on to help us lay down roots and build that home.…

> So we sat down and decided what we wanted. How did you know that's what you wanted? What gives you the authority to say that's the best path for everyone? Consider an analogy for me - you mentioned travel. Have you ever driven through the mountains? Hiked up a few? Even from the road, it's easy to look up and see spectacular peaks calling out your name, begging to be climbed. And coming from a flat, midwestern stat…

Neither is right, neither is wrong it just is. You're still in your 20s with a solid foundation and assuming you maintain your health you will see your child graduate leaving you with plenty of time and money to use as you see fit. Use your time and money wisely now and make your life goal to retire early so you can travel and have "hobo adventures."

I traded my 20s for "hobo adventures" and I hope to have another round of them.

Re: ‘I’m Broke and Mostly Friendless, and I’ve Wasted My Whole Life’

#320

Post by justaguyhere »

CptFribble wrote: post #253

The most important thing for humans, is other humans. That gets left out of these types of discussions a lot, I think. I'm not one to hark back to the "glory days" of primitive society, but original humans operated in relatively close-knit groups, even when those groups were nomadic. I don't think we've moved on, psychologically, from that. There's a lot of cliches that touch on this, like "social media isn't the sam…

but there's no substitution for consistent human contact and real friendships

This. Some of my friends just wouldn't eat alone - they'd rather starve than eat a meal by themselves. I, on the other hand, have been eating alone for the last 15 years. I didn't understand why it is such a big deal, when I was younger - now, I am beginning to think my friends were right. Friendship, when it is simple/without strings attached/genuine, is a beautiful thing to have.

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