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Having Kids (2019)

paulgraham.com

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Re: Having Kids (2019)

#301

Post by mcdeltat »

pm90 wrote: post #298
mcdeltat wrote: post #287

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Messing up your kid's life is a temporary bump? Plenty of dysfunctional/traumatised families out there, just look around...

Every parent “messes” up their kids life, its a matter of degree. Its part of the human experience.

I think I see what you mean in terms of everyone having life difficulties. But I disagree because of cases where bad childhood environment causes/exacerbates significant issues with kids' wellbeing, such as mental health disorders. This is not something that everyone experiences as "part of life" right?

Re: Having Kids (2019)

#302

Post by doright »

throwaw3y wrote: post #289
doright wrote: post #283

Earlier quoted context omitted.

I will continue to judge my parents for abusing me throughout childhood until doing so no longer contributes to my own healing. There is no single right way to respond to a hyperactive child but there are plenty of permanently life-altering ones.

> until doing so no longer contributes to my own healing Resentment is a poison willingly retained; I hope you find healing some day in letting go of those memories

Thank you for the kind words.

It's less blame/resentment (though I admit I'm still working on it) and more that pretending my childhood was just fine and my parents were absolved of everything just because they tried their hardest was exactly what kept me trapped in a vicious cycle for far too long. Some things go beyond "just" bad parenting and into the level of abuse and potentially lifelong physical/mental conditions. Only by admitting to myself that yes, I was not at fault for all my own misfortunes and maybe someone else did share the blame, was I finally able to start healing.

One of my goals is to isolate the healthy parts of blame from the all-consuming and unproductive ones, which I'm still working on.

For my case (and I speak for nobody else), I don't want to have children until I'm 100% certain I will not make the same mistake as my forbearers and pass down their trauma to my offspring. Some of that decision-making is out of my hands until I've had enough therapy and healing. That's just what abusive parenting does to a person's psyche.

And for what it's worth, I can't predict how my perspectives on parenting will change if I become a parent myself, but even in that case I will never stop believing my own parents were abusive. No model of how the world works makes sense to me without that understanding anymore.

Re: Having Kids (2019)

#303

Post by acuozzo »

meitham wrote: post #7

As a father of 3, nothing is more satisfying than raising kids.

Father of three here as well: 11/9/6.

I love them and I spend a lot of time with them, but I have no idea what you're talking about.

My 11 year old has Level 2 Autism, ADHD, and crippling anxiety. The pediatric psychologist & psychiatrist team we've assembled between Johns Hopkins & Kennedy-Krieger have finally lowered his suicide risk status from high to low last week.

My 9 year old has such extreme ADHD that you would think he has Akathisia; compulsive running. He's constantly fighting with his younger sister because... why not? Dopamine is dopamine.

The best part is that we have the privilege of doing it all on our lonesome despite having retired parents and no siblings with children of their own. Perhaps babysitting costing us more than the date night itself is the satisfying part.

Oh, no, I've got it! The satisfying part is not having a real vacation in 11 years.

I wonder how satisfying it's going to be when we finally have to face the reality of never being able to have an empty nest.

Re: Having Kids (2019)

#304

Post by genewitch »

bcrosby95 wrote: post #175
socalgal2 wrote: post #150

Earlier quoted context omitted.

I still judge parents, because I compare them to other parents. Good parents = kids not 100% glued to phones/tablets, social around friends and family, not throwing tantrums at 8-16 yrs old. Bad parents = kids always throwing tantrums, kids basically always getting their way because they've learned parents will always give in, parents and kids 100% ignoring each other. One set of friends - I go to visit, I play with…

It's difficult to translate what you're saying. You say "go to visit" which implies you don't see your friends with kids very often. If true you're in a poor position to make these judgements even by your own standards. Everything you're observing is even more likely to occur if you don't see them that often. Your friends probably want to spend more time focusing on you. The kids are not that familiar with you and ar…

you read very far into a relatively normal phrase "go to visit" meaning "when i visit them". Some people just say "visit" instead of "hang out" or "bum around with."

eta: it's like some people say they have to do errands.

Re: Having Kids (2019)

#305

Post by genewitch »

chocolateteeth wrote: post #281
drfloyd51 wrote: post #214

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Trust me. Don’t judge. Even if you compare to other parents, you are judging the reference-parents. If you have data over time you can draw conclusions on things you want to try as a parent.

What about judging judgers?

Judge the judging judgers

Re: Having Kids (2019)

#306

Post by madduci »

em-bee wrote: post #293
madduci wrote: post #202

Earlier quoted context omitted.

It happened to me and now, after more than 8 years, I find myself still in the situation where I am serving my children's needs and not having time to satisfy my personal ones. They go to bed when I am also tired. Trying to having an hobby past their bed time means sacrifying sleep time. Travelling is also a challenge, since they lack interesting in seeing something new, but just want to have fun playing, especially…

we didn't do that much traveling with our kids but we move to new places. when traveling you have to consider your kids interest, so museums are probably out. fortunately i don't care much for that either. we travel to visit family and friends and then do interesting things together, which is much more exciting for the kids. as a freelancer, instead of sacrificing sleep time i reduced my work time. work and personal…

Since I can't sacrifice work time as employee, I can only sacrify my personal time, if I don't want to reduce family time.

We do travel only to kids-friendly destinations for the time being

Re: Having Kids (2019)

#307

Post by leftytak »

You know what I hate? Those reels on social media telling parents how to raise kids, while using perfectly timed video clips of kids behaving themselves, sitting nicely on a highchair, picking freshly chopped fruits, etc.. good for them. In real life, I have to repeat myself 1000 times everyday they have to sit at the table and eat!

But at the end of the day, there’s nothing better than having kids.

Re: Having Kids (2019)

#308

Post by genewitch »

com2kid wrote: post #199
jasonkester wrote: post #22

Before having kids, I expected it to be this huge life changing thing. That it would effectively end the part of my life where I was free to do whatever I wanted, and start the part where I was just Daddy, doing nothing except serving my childrens' needs. But that didn't happen. We just carried on being Jason and his partner, but with a baby in tow. I had spent most of my 30s cramming in as much "living" as possible,…

> Before having kids, I expected it to be this huge life changing thing. That it would effectively end the part of my life where I was free to do whatever I wanted, and start the part where I was just Daddy, doing nothing except serving my childrens' needs. There are some huge changes. The largest is a lack of the mental downtime where deep thought and problem solving could occur. I can't get off work, hop on my car,…

i haven't written a real song in a decade, and the previous decade only had a half dozen. 3 decades ago we and i wrote about a dozen albums.

Can you guess how old all my kids are? Write it on a slip of paper and put it in your hat for later.

Re: Having Kids (2019)

#309

Post by neochief »

throwaway77385 wrote: post #99

I wish there was a way to make this decision rationally. My wife and I are coming up to the point of no return. We either do it now, or never. Now let's try to figure this out: Do we have enough money? Yes, probably. We could survive 10 years without making another dime. I don't know what kind of safety net is recommended, but people do it with a lot less. We live in a country with free health care, so illness won't…

Dude, don't do it to yourself. Deep inside you know that you don't want it. That won't ever change, oh that inner voice will be even louder when you're exhausted.

Re: Having Kids (2019)

#310

Post by [deleted] »

drfloyd51 wrote: post #14

Before kids it was easy to judge bad parents. Then one day with child I found myself due to circumstances in a store way past my child’s bedtime. She was screaming and crying, because it was way past her bedtime. Then I realized… I was now “the bad parent” I had so easily judged. Then it was easy to judge parents with children younger than mine. Until I learned that not all children have the same issues in the same o…

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