Hacker News Board Hacker News, browsed like a classic message board
Live data from Hacker News

What really happens inside a dating app

blog.luap.info

Post reply on HN
Print view View original

301–310 of 373 posts

Re: What really happens inside a dating app

#301

Post by bradlys »

cultofmetatron wrote: post #288
bradlys wrote: post #284

Earlier quoted context omitted.

This kind of advice only works if you’re not interested in a woman who works. You’re not going to be getting an ambitious woman from abroad and bringing her back to the US. Most of those women would already be in the US if they were interested in such a path to begin with.

> This kind of advice only works if you’re not interested in a woman who works. Personally, I don't want a woman that works because I travel and I'd rather she travel fulltime with me. However, in my experience, latinas and asians are some of the hardest working women you'll ever meet. They seek out education and a lot of them want careers. they just arent' super entrepreneurial. Thats more about the culture they com…

How much of what you want is really representative of what an average American man wants? You want to travel fulltime, probably don't want kids, and are okay with a woman regardless of her income.

It's a very niche target you're aiming at. Most people want kids, most people want someone who works, and most people don't want to travel fulltime. Your advice really seems tailored to you and no one else.

Re: What really happens inside a dating app

#302

Post by palmotea »

RobotToaster wrote: post #227

Retention is a terrible metric for a dating app. The "perfect" dating app would have a 0% retention rate since the first person you meet would be your "ideal partner". It's tantamount to measuring a hospital's performance by it's retention rate.

> Retention is a terrible metric for a dating app. The "perfect" dating app would have a 0% retention rate since the first person you meet would be your "ideal partner".

A terrible metric for the users. For the shareholders, the perfect dating app is one where the users are strung along for their whole lives, paying for a subscription but never finding anything permanent.

Re: What really happens inside a dating app

#303

Post by palmotea »

_the_inflator wrote: post #241
RobotToaster wrote: post #227

Retention is a terrible metric for a dating app. The "perfect" dating app would have a 0% retention rate since the first person you meet would be your "ideal partner". It's tantamount to measuring a hospital's performance by it's retention rate.

That's not a business model. Creating opportunities to mate, not to therapy. ;) Managed Dissatisfaction, FOMO, Abundance: And the users want it. That's what the data shows. Proof: essentially, every app is a dating app covered up as "social features." Apple just entered the dating app market.

> Managed Dissatisfaction, FOMO, Abundance: And the users want it. That's what the data shows

Correction: the users don't "want" it, but many of them aren't strong or wise enough to resist those features.

The (presumably usage) data can't show what the users want, only what they do, and those often aren't the same thing.

Re: What really happens inside a dating app

#304

Post by cultofmetatron »

bradlys wrote: post #301
cultofmetatron wrote: post #288

Earlier quoted context omitted.

> This kind of advice only works if you’re not interested in a woman who works. Personally, I don't want a woman that works because I travel and I'd rather she travel fulltime with me. However, in my experience, latinas and asians are some of the hardest working women you'll ever meet. They seek out education and a lot of them want careers. they just arent' super entrepreneurial. Thats more about the culture they com…

How much of what you want is really representative of what an average American man wants? You want to travel fulltime, probably don't want kids, and are okay with a woman regardless of her income. It's a very niche target you're aiming at. Most people want kids, most people want someone who works, and most people don't want to travel fulltime. Your advice really seems tailored to you and no one else.

> Your advice really seems tailored to you and no one else.

not at all. yes I have specific needs in a partner but there are plenty of women in colmobia, mexico and elsewhere that would be happy to live in the united states and start a family. my partner and I discussed it and she's happy to do so when the time is right. She's young enough that we have plenty of time.

by all means, if you like the attitudes of american women, go for it. but if you're a good guy and jsut can't seem to be valued by them, I also suggest getting out of the country and seeing what you can find. even if things dont work with my partner, I personally would never date another american woman. I wont say why because I would rather not get downvoted.

Re: What really happens inside a dating app

#305

Post by deanmoriarty »

cultofmetatron wrote: post #304
bradlys wrote: post #301

Earlier quoted context omitted.

How much of what you want is really representative of what an average American man wants? You want to travel fulltime, probably don't want kids, and are okay with a woman regardless of her income. It's a very niche target you're aiming at. Most people want kids, most people want someone who works, and most people don't want to travel fulltime. Your advice really seems tailored to you and no one else.

> Your advice really seems tailored to you and no one else. not at all. yes I have specific needs in a partner but there are plenty of women in colmobia, mexico and elsewhere that would be happy to live in the united states and start a family. my partner and I discussed it and she's happy to do so when the time is right. She's young enough that we have plenty of time. by all means, if you like the attitudes of americ…

He wants a wife that will be both attractive, loving, AND pulling in a $500k+ salary.

While I personally think it’s a pretty bad way to live life and I more agree with your overall stance (my wife is American but she is second generation immigrant from an Asian country and I can quite appreciate the difference in culture you are hinting at, thankfully she grew up with strong values from her parents more consistent with the ones of a first-generation immigrant like myself), I admit it’s going to be hard for him to fit the last requirement with someone from abroad (it still can be done though).

My speculation is that he comes from certain cultures that tend to be extremely aspirational, and given his looks and general transactional attitude he is going to be extremely disappointed in the long term, and he is robbing himself of precious years of love, affection and meaning chasing silly pursuits like cosmetic surgeries to improve his dating odds.

But I agree that if he wants all those requirements he probably should look for someone who is already a professional in the US.

Re: What really happens inside a dating app

#306

Post by throwyourface »

palmotea wrote: post #302
RobotToaster wrote: post #227

Retention is a terrible metric for a dating app. The "perfect" dating app would have a 0% retention rate since the first person you meet would be your "ideal partner". It's tantamount to measuring a hospital's performance by it's retention rate.

> Retention is a terrible metric for a dating app. The "perfect" dating app would have a 0% retention rate since the first person you meet would be your "ideal partner". A terrible metric for the users . For the shareholders, the perfect dating app is one where the users are strung along for their whole lives, paying for a subscription but never finding anything permanent.

This is why you fundamentally cannot fix dating apps without changing the incentives around dating apps. The only incentives that modern apps have today is to, as you said, string users along, just frustrated enough that they can't leave, but not frustrated enough to quit outright.

There are ways to fix it, but you have to fundamentally restructure how the app works. Instead of subscriptions, the app has to be paid upon success. Did the matches lead to marriage? Great, they get paid. Otherwise nope. Until incentives are aligned there is literally no financial incentive for them to do otherwise.

There is one app I'm aware of that works this way, but I won't link it so I don't end up sounding like a shill account. But as a user I really hope they succeed, because the current generation of dating apps aren't in anyone's interest except the people who run them.

Re: What really happens inside a dating app

#307

Post by jumploops »

kylehotchkiss wrote: post #204
jumploops wrote: post #118

We built a dating app and saw these same metrics. Our "twist" was that anyone could be a matchmaker, pairing other people (in addition to our recommendation engine). An interesting thing happened: lot's of people just like using dating apps in a voyeuristic way, with no intention of dating. Tinder eventually launched this feature, but it fell flat. I still think there's merit to human-based recs over "AI" matchmakers…

That makes me think of the in-person introductions my older friends have tried to arrange for me. It was a thoughtful gesture but really not a lot of consideration of what I would consider attractive.

Yeah the idea was that peers could help bolster match acceptance, both parties would still need to agree, which is much different than a blind date where you aren't interested, but have to still have to go through the in-person charade.

Candidly, assuming your gender based on your username, it would have been a net positive compared to the stats ;)

Re: What really happens inside a dating app

#308

Post by scarface_74 »

bradlys wrote: post #300
scarface_74 wrote: post #294

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Honestly, after you get a certain age, a lot of American women expect you not to need them to work. So I was downstairs at my hangout spot at the bar where I’m good friends with the bartender. A group of us started talking and this 45 year old lady who was attractive, a lawyer, multiple paid off properties, with two small kids going through a divorce and she was saying if she gets serious about someone, it would have…

As far as I know, you're also not spending $3m+ on a home. Even at $700k/yr income, I still need another income to afford a decent bay area home unless I want to live on the absolute razors edge. It also means that if I lose my work, we're completely fucked and I better find another job very fast. That $20k/month you gotta pay for the home ain't gonna disappear on its own. I too could live in a world of not needing a…

> Even at $700k/yr income

Then don’t live in the Bay Area? I make less than a 3rd of that and live in a nice condo with multiple bars in walking distance - including one downstairs, restaurant downstairs, multiple pools, two gyms. Max out my 401K and HSA and we have over a dozen trips planned this year including a few to see family. But most just to check things off of our bucket list. We are flying out to Las Vegas next week just for concert.

I didn’t make over 200K until 2021 at 47 and I have had two nice houses built over the years, we just bought our condo three years ago.

There is an entire United States outside of the Bay Area and there is a such thing as remote work.

The median home price in the US is $410K.

I had my second home built in north metro Atlanta in the “good school system” in 2016 - 5 bed/3.5 bath/3100 square feet for $335K and sold it last year for $670K.

Funny enough, in 2020, an Amazon Recruiter reached out to me about as an SDE job that would have required me to relocate after COVID. Even with the $100k more than I was making I could have negotiated, I couldn’t have reproduced my lifestyle in Seattle.

I did keep talking to the recruiter and they suggested I apply for a “permanently remote”[1]/“field by design” role at AWS Professional Services based on my background. It only paid $55K more. But allowed me to work remotely and a year later, we moved to state tax free Florida saving more money.

[1] As of this year, even the “field by design” roles have an RTO mandate when they aren’t on a customer’s site. Luckily I left in late 2023.

> I also means that if I lose my work, we're completely fucked and I better find another job very fast. That $20k/month you gotta pay for the home ain't gonna disappear on its own.

You’re really thinking that statistically the chance of you finding a spouse who has an income that can support your budget if you are out of a job is likely?

Guess how little I stressed when I got Amazoned in 2023? I didn’t need to chase BigTech compensation to be comfortable.

My Plan B was a regular old Enterprise CRUD job. I’m now making around what I did at AWS working (remotely) at a third party consulting company. There are some remote jobs out there. At some point, I’ll probably try my lot as a “fractional CTO”.

BTW, when I was living in Atlanta in 2020 with the big house in the burbs in the good school system, our total budget including our mortgage was around $8000. I only put 3.5% down to have it built.

> I too could live in a world of not needing a wife with any income if I chose to live in BFE or moved to Thailand

You don’t need to move to Thailand - just out of the Bay Area.

Re: What really happens inside a dating app

#309

Post by bradlys »

deanmoriarty wrote: post #305
cultofmetatron wrote: post #304

Earlier quoted context omitted.

> Your advice really seems tailored to you and no one else. not at all. yes I have specific needs in a partner but there are plenty of women in colmobia, mexico and elsewhere that would be happy to live in the united states and start a family. my partner and I discussed it and she's happy to do so when the time is right. She's young enough that we have plenty of time. by all means, if you like the attitudes of americ…

He wants a wife that will be both attractive, loving, AND pulling in a $500k+ salary. While I personally think it’s a pretty bad way to live life and I more agree with your overall stance (my wife is American but she is second generation immigrant from an Asian country and I can quite appreciate the difference in culture you are hinting at, thankfully she grew up with strong values from her parents more consistent wi…

I didn't put any of those specific requirements out there. I've said a professional working woman. If she made $500k+/yr, that'd be very nice but I don't think that's even remotely plausible for someone of my looks. I've known several women who fit that criterion and all have expressed that I'm way below their looks threshold. Women at or above that income tend to get exactly what they want from a partner. I've yet to meet one that is lacking in great options.

Overall, I'm interested in a more balanced relationship. I want to be involved in my children's day-to-day life and be a present partner as well. I can certainly make enough on my own to afford a $3m mortgage, private school for the kids, and so forth. I've already done it but it has a great cost in terms of my time and energy. I'm not interested in a transactional relationship where I'm used for my financial resources. I don't want someone to be with me due to their reliance on me for financial support either. I've been in that situation already and it's not fun to question whether someone actually loves you or just loves your ability to spend money on them.

I'd rather be with someone who genuinely loves me for who I am and can keep up with the demands that living in the bay area requires. I come from an incredibly poor background and don't expect someone to be where I'm at but if they can't even afford to support themselves adequately with their own labor in some place like NYC or SFBA then we're going to be incompatible.

Post reply on HN