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Help me ask why you didn't just

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Re: Help me ask why you didn't just

#301

Post by SAI_Peregrinus »

NotableAlamode wrote: post #218
mettamage wrote: post #178

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Favoriting your comment here. You just gave 2 "learn within 1 minute social skills" lessons within one HN comment. There's a lot to unpack here. 1. Your way of analyzing on how it could be less threatening 2. The final answer to it being less threatening 3. Praise in public, criticize in private I'm normally not a fan of simple sentences, but the sentence of (3) is one I'll keep in mind when I'll start my career. Tha…

Praise in public, criticize in private In my (considerable) experience of working in large organisation (private and public), whether this works or not depends strongly on the power differential between praiser/criticiser and praisee/criticisee. Basically this is the most likely outcome: - Powerless praises publicly and criticises privately: criticism will be ignored, praise will be milked. - Powerless praises privat…

I always prefer X is wrong to You are wrong about X. Separate the error from the identity.

Re: Help me ask why you didn't just

#303

Post by amflare »

lstamour wrote: post #94
013a wrote: post #23

I sometimes start it with "I'm curious; why didn't you use sshd?" I think that does a decent job of clearing up your intentions. I also believe, as a general rule; don't use the word You. Compare "Why didn't you use sshd" and "Why was sshd selected for this".

I was about to suggest “I’m curious: what about sshd?” And maybe follow up with a reason to use it or doubt it, such as “You could run remote commands through it...” Which naturally leads to “but it doesn’t pass as easily through firewalls as SSL, and key exchange is harder than a URL encoded secret...” Essentially, take your suggestion and expand on it slightly, inviting further conversation? You could also just bri…

I agree. I use "What about?" almost daily. It can either be a gentle suggestion, or a request for information. Neither is aggressive, so it works out both ways.

Re: Help me ask why you didn't just

#304

Post by amflare »

krngrvr09 wrote: post #136

I'd say "Hmm, what about sshd?" or "Hmm, what do you think about sshd?" I'd also say it's more about how you say it than what you say. If I were to use the aforementioned questions, I'd come from a place of self-doubt and I think which is exactly what "Response 2" in the article says it is.

I agree. I use "What about?" almost daily. It can either be a gentle suggestion, or a request for information. Neither is aggressive, so it works out both ways.

Re: Help me ask why you didn't just

#305

Post by [deleted] »

zentiggr wrote: post #254
rkangel wrote: post #197

Earlier quoted context omitted.

I'm aware of an unofficial convention in some US government departments - if you have a small round green sticker on your pass, then you are opting in as someone who can handle un-sugar coated discussion. It's a great system - you occasionally see someone pause momentarily to check that everyone in the group has a sticker before saying "well, that was a clusterfuck wasn't it".

I think on my sub, it was just assumed that everyone had a green sticker :)

[deleted]

Re: Help me ask why you didn't just

#306

Post by glitcher »

teekert wrote: post #119

I would feel offended if anyone would feel the need to go easy on me, just say what you think. And if you are right I will be eternally grateful for being taught a new efficient trick. Do I look like such a weak person to you that you feel like you have to handle my self esteem with silk gloves? Thanks for the insult. And what is it with this 2 intentions? The third is the obvious correct one where I'm not familiar w…

So when others treat you in ways that you don't like (or you misinterpret their meaning) it annoys you. Sounds like you are supporting the idea of the article, albeit from a contradictory starting point.

Re: Help me ask why you didn't just

#307

Post by FernandoTN »

It is not what you say but how you say it. People are emotional and tend to remember based on how something make them feel, not the phrasing of the conversation.

You could hypothesize a scenario where the poorest and even offending wording is used and as long as the person talking shows empathy, mimics and finds common ground through it's body language and most importantly, regulates its tone to avoid sounding judgmental. The receiver will find it easier to digest and accept the message in contrast to hearing the perfect phrased message.

Re: Help me ask why you didn't just

#308

Post by robbiemitchell »

r-w wrote: post #196
robbiemitchell wrote: post #66

"My first instinct is to use sshd. Have you tried that already?” I use phrasing like that and "My knee jerk reaction is..." etc. intentionally because (a) it's accurate context and (b) it allows the person to wave it away casually if it's irrelevant. In any case, I find that the conversation remains both polite and productive.

Why give anyone the opportunity to wave away your ideas? :) I don’t think the other person should be respected at your own expense.

I mean "wave away" in the context of "Yes, I already tried that."

Re: Help me ask why you didn't just

#310

Post by yihyeh »

1. "just" is less of a problem, "you just" presents more problem because it asking about the person's motivation, and not the code/technical solution. "Why didn't `sshd` used here?" will is a better question.

2. Asking this question doesn't tell people what you really think. Better question if it also followed by, "why" you think you can use `sshd`. "Why didn't you just use `sshd`? From my experience/quick judgment/limited understanding `sshd` is better/simpler compare to , because of bla bla bla"

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