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How can an introvert Asian engineer like me make friends?

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Re: How can an introvert Asian engineer like me make friends?

#31
The language 'problem' is covered by quite some meetups, I found one [1] pretty quickly that looks like fun in SF, but there will be more.

Another thing that helps me connect to people quickly is the local couchsurf community. Just show up at one of their meetups, in general it's all people from around the world that are easy-going and up for fun. Plus they're interested in different cultures so you can learn them a thing or two as well :-)

Regarding girls and cars, that's just crazy talk. Just say that you're an environmentalist if anyone ever asks.

[1] http://www.meetup.com/languageloverssf/

Re: How can an introvert Asian engineer like me make friends?

#32

I'd recommend you picking up a hobby where you'll have to interact with people. For example joining a beginner dancing class (salsa/mambo). It's a lot easier to start conversation with people who have common interest. It feels a lot more natural. I'd also suggest to start working out a couple of times a week. It will make you more confident. You also mentioned that you do a lot on your own. Don't expect people to inv…

I would add that taking a social dancing class is a good idea because OP stated he wanted to meet women. So, that's kind of built in to the process...

In my experience ("lindy hop" swing, tango) social dancing has LOTS of engineers/scientists so the communities are very accepting of the social awkwardness.

And assuming the OP is Korean based on his handle, lindy hop is incredibly, incredibly, popular back at home...

Re: How can an introvert Asian engineer like me make friends?

#33

I'm not an introvert, but I'm shy. That's even worse, because I WANT to hang out with people but I'm desperately afraid of meeting new people. Anyways, go find an event that sparks your interest where you will meet people. Or, just force yourself to do something. Social dancing did it for me, for example. I know indoor rock climbing has worked for other people (if you don't have a partner you sign up on a list of sol…

Any examples where you're saying no is too many. Always go!

I have made it a point to always say yes and it has made a huge difference for me. I am also very shy.

Re: How can an introvert Asian engineer like me make friends?

#34

Making friends is incredibly difficult once one is an adult, so I won't offer advice on that. But you mention that your English is not at conversational level. Therefore any attempt to make friends will be doomed before you evrn start. You need to take English classes.

And as a bonus you often make friends in english classes because basically you spend all your time speaking to them.

Re: How can an introvert Asian engineer like me make friends?

#35
Try and get interested in something outside of the tech bubble, preferably something which takes you outside.

Brush up on conversational English. Don't sweat the fact you don't have a car. If people don't want to hang out with you because you don't have a nice car, find different people.

The advice here is good - learn to be happy and comfortable on your own. That doesn't mean wallow in your loneliness, but don't think that someone will come along and magically make you happy. It doesn't work that way. If you are comfortable on your own, you'll be the kind of person that other people are interested in. It's only difficult to meet people/women if your life isn't worth being a part of. Make your life interesting enough for yourself that other people will want to take part.

Good luck. If you want to talk more, I'm at fareeddudhia at gmail.com

Re: How can an introvert Asian engineer like me make friends?

#36

Making friends is incredibly difficult once one is an adult, so I won't offer advice on that. But you mention that your English is not at conversational level. Therefore any attempt to make friends will be doomed before you evrn start. You need to take English classes.

This is your chance. The best way to meet friends as an adult is to have a common activity. Learning English is an excellent way for you to meet other people also interested in learning English. Jump online and find English learning groups, English classes, etc. You should also look for meetups for people of your native language so you can go to them as well. The next step is go to the meetings even if they suck, even if you feel lonely and bored. The best way to meet people is to get out there, you don't meet anyone in your house. If you have an interest in a sport that's a great way too, however I would say the more unusual the sport the better. With common sports like Basketball or Soccer people often join in groups and it's harder to make new friends. Something like Fencing or Archery would probably be better. I went through the same thing in a different country, I made my few friends through board games, d&d, and fencing.

Re: How can an introvert Asian engineer like me make friends?

#37
post #19

Get used to loneliness. I figured it the hard way, the more you try to get out the numbing pain of loneliness by trying to make friends, the more people do not want to make friends with you. Do your stuff, take music classes, listen to good music, become awesome at the thing you're already good at through practice and more importantly stop trying hard to make friends. Then you have a greater probability that you'll m…

This is actually an incredibly good point; although counterintuitive. However, OP, you should focus on your advantages and why they make you fucking awesome. At this point, I am not sure if you are being a friend to yourself. It is possible that your ethnicity, your accent/lack of it, your assets are hindering you from making friends with some people. However, this is a planet of six billion people. Find out what makes you truly happy and make peace with yourself. Seek out things that make you happy. At that point, you will attract people around you who truly enjoy your company. Be patient. Superficial relationships are easy. Making really good friends/strong relationships is incredibly hard. For everyone.

Re: How can an introvert Asian engineer like me make friends?

#38
it sounds like, and as others have suggested, you need to practice your conversational english.

have you thought about joining a local hackspace to meet up and socialise (google hackspace redwood city)? That or volunteer on local community projects. Both provide great opportunities for talking and practicing to battle your shyness.

From somebody who is themselves incredibly shy and adverse to social situations, sometimes the best way to get past that is expose yourself to stuff which puts you out of your comfort zone.

In regards to meeting women, I wouldn't worry too much about that. It will happen by putting yourself in social situations as a result of spending time with others and meeting new people. and remember, for every awkward guy out there without a car there's an awkward girl out there who wont mind.

So, to summarise. Get some hobbies that allow you to be sociable, volunteer with charities, join hackerspaces, go to talks and sociable events. Tell people whom you meet that you want to practice your English, they'll be more accommodating then you'd first imagine. Don't sweat it on meeting someone either, that will happen.

One last thing, from your post, it seems you sometimes feel depressed? If so, then go and speak to someone about it. Feeling isolated and alone can make us feel pretty ill. We shouldn't have to be like that.

Lots of people go through this, whether the barrier is language, extreme shyness or something else, but it's important to know it's possible for things to be different. Just don't get too anxious, and look after yourself and stay conscious of your wellbeing.

Re: How can an introvert Asian engineer like me make friends?

#39
With your current attitude, especially including the fact that you're considering yourself an "Asian introvert" rather than simply an introvert, you're not going to make friends. I think you should give up. The entire post was one big self-loathe, and you need to stop feeling so sorry for yourself. Also, you cannot be serious about that whole bit about a girl not wanting you if you don't have a car. That's the mentality of a five year-old boy. Get some confidence; do some push-ups. Get it together, engineer.

Re: How can an introvert Asian engineer like me make friends?

#40
post #33

I'm not an introvert, but I'm shy. That's even worse, because I WANT to hang out with people but I'm desperately afraid of meeting new people. Anyways, go find an event that sparks your interest where you will meet people. Or, just force yourself to do something. Social dancing did it for me, for example. I know indoor rock climbing has worked for other people (if you don't have a partner you sign up on a list of sol…

Any examples where you're saying no is too many. Always go! I have made it a point to always say yes and it has made a huge difference for me. I am also very shy.

After I quit my job as a scientist, I drove for lyft, and got lots of offers to hang out with passengers. So I said no a lot (needed the money, driving is donezo one you've started drinking). Now, I consider it and hang out with passengers every once in a while. I've got to be selective, as a 30-something it might not be all that fun hanging out with 20-somethings in a bar in certain parts of San Diego...

I would have suggested "drive for lyft" to the OP, but he doesn't have a car, so...

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