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Overcoming the friendship recession

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Re: Overcoming the friendship recession

#31

Post by majora2007 »

baby wrote: post #21

Really good post! My own thoughts: - making new friends does take a massive amount of time, not just in finding friends but also in spending time with them until you can call them long-time friends - so you need to invest time in hanging out with people! Even when you don’t know what to say to them or when it’s awkward or when you’re not sure if you like them much. We weren’t picky when we were kids making friends, w…

idk about a house party once a week, but I do like the idea of having my friends invite their other friends. As I age, it becomes harder to find new friends just by happenstance. Friends of Friends usually end up becoming friends after meeting them.

Re: Overcoming the friendship recession

#32

Post by dangond »

lynx97 wrote: post #11
germinalphrase wrote: post #7

I would strongly encourage everyone to choose two or three friends and say “hey - I want to chat with you, but it’s hard to schedule calls. I’m just going to try calling you sometime when I have a few minutes free. If you can talk, great! If you can’t, no sweat. Sound OK?” I lowered the stakes for calling/answering/not answering, and I actually catch up with my friends more often.

Remember the old IRC rule? "Don't ask to ask, just ask."

"Don't ask to ask, just ask" is great in general, but if I tell someone this, I'm not trying to schedule a single call. It's more asking for permission to call whenever. Depending on who you and your friends are, it can be necessary to give this heads-up at least once so that, as another user put it, they don't get a panic attack from an unexpected phone call. As an older Gen Z, it feels like no one my age really calls each other out-of-the-blue, and you need something like this to establish it.

Re: Overcoming the friendship recession

#34

Post by germinalphrase »

righthand wrote: post #9
germinalphrase wrote: post #7

I would strongly encourage everyone to choose two or three friends and say “hey - I want to chat with you, but it’s hard to schedule calls. I’m just going to try calling you sometime when I have a few minutes free. If you can talk, great! If you can’t, no sweat. Sound OK?” I lowered the stakes for calling/answering/not answering, and I actually catch up with my friends more often.

I just call them. I dont think you have to reach out and send a “hey I have question is it okay to ask”-style entering-the-chat messages. The overarching problem is that everyone started treating communication as a formal business letter.

I agree, but the social norm (for a lot of young people) is not to call spontaneously - at all, ever. Giving people a heads up helps, and then consistently following through, is a step that helps make it happen.

Re: Overcoming the friendship recession

#35

Post by lotsofpulp »

obscurette wrote: post #19

Yes, managing relationships needs time, but there is another problem I see nowadays. When I was young (I'm in my sixties), it was normal to have friends who could be very different from you. They might have had qualities you didn't like at all, but you could still be very good friends. If I look my students (highschool and college level) now, they are extremely intolerant for differences compared to what I remember f…

>Why? I guess it's because of a lack of practice – you don't really need to interact with so many different people nowadays and interacting with people who are very different from you is just plain terrifying for many.

It’s not any more or less terrifying than in previous times, but as you wrote “you don’t really need to interact with so many different people”.

I would shorten that to “you don’t need so many people anymore”. Another factor is you can easily find more agree-able people (or bots) to spend time with, such as on this website rather than a neighbor.

Re: Overcoming the friendship recession

#36

Post by pino83 »

One thing that I've learned from my friends in the last 10 years:

You can either have deep friendships XOR children.

All of them are either still without children, or are by no means valuable friends anymore.

Sorry, but that's just how it is.

Re: Overcoming the friendship recession

#37

Post by MarkusQ »

throwawaysleep wrote: post #27
obscurette wrote: post #19

Yes, managing relationships needs time, but there is another problem I see nowadays. When I was young (I'm in my sixties), it was normal to have friends who could be very different from you. They might have had qualities you didn't like at all, but you could still be very good friends. If I look my students (highschool and college level) now, they are extremely intolerant for differences compared to what I remember f…

Depends? Are those more narrow one’s better and people have a better idea of what ideal looks like? I’m kind of horrified at people saying they had/have to work at their best friendships as with my best friends, everything is seamless. There are no misunderstandings. We never have to forgive each other. We never even need to clarify things for each other much, as we are that well aligned. Granted it may not be possib…

The axes are independent. You can have seamless friendships with people who are very different from you, and contentious relationships with folks who are just like you (but doing it wrong!)

There's nothing wrong with having to work at friendship. For years I had a friend that I looked up to (and, as it turned out looked up to me). We were both constantly striving to justify the other's faith and respect. It was a lot of work but incredibly valuable for both of us.

Re: Overcoming the friendship recession

#38

Post by nharada »

obscurette wrote: post #19

Yes, managing relationships needs time, but there is another problem I see nowadays. When I was young (I'm in my sixties), it was normal to have friends who could be very different from you. They might have had qualities you didn't like at all, but you could still be very good friends. If I look my students (highschool and college level) now, they are extremely intolerant for differences compared to what I remember f…

I’m curious if you think viewpoints have also gotten more extreme in this period. It feels like the gap in political ideologies has widened a lot since I was younger.

Re: Overcoming the friendship recession

#39

Post by Insanity »

germinalphrase wrote: post #7

I would strongly encourage everyone to choose two or three friends and say “hey - I want to chat with you, but it’s hard to schedule calls. I’m just going to try calling you sometime when I have a few minutes free. If you can talk, great! If you can’t, no sweat. Sound OK?” I lowered the stakes for calling/answering/not answering, and I actually catch up with my friends more often.

I'd hate that. I have a (small) group of friends, and we play games (almost) every weekend morning for 1-2 hours while on voice chat. I really enjoy that time but we have to schedule it in advance, we all have stuff going on. But we've been pretty good at making time for each other once a week for that time. Most of us are in different countries now so can no longer meet up in person, and this has been something that works for us.

If I'd get randomly called I'd actually just end up being annoyed, I need a sense of structure in my life lol.

Re: Overcoming the friendship recession

#40

Post by MarkusQ »

pino83 wrote: post #36

One thing that I've learned from my friends in the last 10 years: You can either have deep friendships XOR children. All of them are either still without children, or are by no means valuable friends anymore. Sorry, but that's just how it is.

Hang in there. As the kids get older, "XOR" can turn into "WITH".
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