I'm addicted to being useful • Hacker News Board

Re: I'm addicted to being useful

#31

Post by pjc50 » Tue, Jan 20, 2026, 1:20 PM UTC

bradley13 wrote: post #17

I feel the same way. I retired last summer, but that only means that I found a place that needs me, where I can work part time without worrying too much about money. I remember, decades ago, reading an article about some African politician visiting the UK. He was given a tour, which included some of the social housing. The UK bragging about how they took care of their people. He saw people sitting around with with th…

This is a big topic in disability rights activism; there are a lot of people who can do some work some of the time, with a certain level of accommodation, and would benefit from so doing.

But that's not how the system works. It forces everyone into binary categorizations, with the aim of removing help if at all possible. So it becomes economically necessary for people to present themselves as helpless and stay away from work or even volunteering, because doing so jeopardizes their means of surviving the bureaucracy.

Re: I'm addicted to being useful

#32

Post by lazide » Tue, Jan 20, 2026, 1:21 PM UTC

n4r9 wrote: post #24

tclancy wrote: post #7

> I don’t mind the ways in which my job is dysfunctional, because it matches the ways in which I myself am dysfunctional As a fellow traveller, I offer one caution: learn to turn this down in personal relationships as it can be counterproductive. It took decades for my wife to finally get through and explain not every problem she voices is something that needs a solution. Some times people just want to be heard. It b…

I frame it not as turning a dial down, but as switching channel from practical problem-solver to emotional problem-solver. Often when someone wants to talk about a situation involving difficult feelings, they're actually trying to process those feelings: to understand where the feelings are coming from, to be validated, and to be able to take a broader perspective. You can help by being curious about what they're say…

Be careful you don’t end up with people who have constant emotional problems that need fixing - or that you’re 100% sure that you’ll never need to say ‘no’. Speaking from experience.

Some people really don’t like ‘no’, especially when they have emotional problems.

Re: I'm addicted to being useful

#33

Post by opminion » Tue, Jan 20, 2026, 1:22 PM UTC

tclancy wrote: post #7

> I don’t mind the ways in which my job is dysfunctional, because it matches the ways in which I myself am dysfunctional As a fellow traveller, I offer one caution: learn to turn this down in personal relationships as it can be counterproductive. It took decades for my wife to finally get through and explain not every problem she voices is something that needs a solution. Some times people just want to be heard. It b…

I'm probably your wife.

It could be related to the personality trait of how much of our world model is "in our mind" vs "out there":

If I speak with you while working on the world model in my mind, it looks like I just "want to be heard". But your feedback is actually very important, it's just that it should only feed my mental world model.

I am then surprised that my math coprocessor reaches for the GPIO.

Re: I'm addicted to being useful

#34

Post by hackable_sand » Tue, Jan 20, 2026, 1:22 PM UTC

pjmorris wrote: post #23

sdoering wrote: post #20

Earlier quoted context omitted.

> I tend to need to solve All The Problems before I can do any self-care I can so relate. I once read something that shifted my perspective a bit and helped me start the work of learning to better care for myself. It was basically somebody talking/writing about the safety instructions when taking a flight. They tell you that in case of an emergency, when the o2 masks drop down to first put your ownmas on, before help…

It's a great analogy. I first came across it in Gerald Weinberg's 'More Secrets of Consulting: The Consultant's Tool Kit', where he spends some time talking about burnout, what it means, and how to get out when you find your way in.

For a more spiritual audience: the analogy is also widely recognized in the Bible

Re: I'm addicted to being useful

#35

Post by p0d » Tue, Jan 20, 2026, 1:22 PM UTC

tclancy wrote: post #7

> I don’t mind the ways in which my job is dysfunctional, because it matches the ways in which I myself am dysfunctional As a fellow traveller, I offer one caution: learn to turn this down in personal relationships as it can be counterproductive. It took decades for my wife to finally get through and explain not every problem she voices is something that needs a solution. Some times people just want to be heard. It b…

Well said...I have discovered the same in my own marriage of thirty years. I would add that even bringing a good solution in a relationship can go unheard, especially if the motivation is to be the fixer, and to be honest make your own life easier by silencing the other's point of frustration.

Re: I'm addicted to being useful

#36

Post by Havoc » Tue, Jan 20, 2026, 1:23 PM UTC

This only works if the environment caps the work somehow. Else there is an endless amount of problems finding their way into the plate of those with a rep for being helpful problem solvers

Re: I'm addicted to being useful

#37

Post by lazide » Tue, Jan 20, 2026, 1:23 PM UTC

y-curious wrote: post #28

amelius wrote: post #18

Earlier quoted context omitted.

I'm surprised nobody asks whether you're at fault here, or she is. Next time, maybe ask her to come up with solutions, e.g. do a brainstorm session. If she then says she doesn't really want a solution, you can tell her then don't phrase your issues like that.

There’s an old adage that is very important to logical people (as software engineers are, for example). “Do you want to be right or do you want to be happy?” My wife wants to throw out our perfectly functional table to get a better looking one. Financially and practically, I am right in fighting this. Is a few hundred bucks worth making someone aesthetically-minded not feel satisfied? No, you have to pick your battle…

Some people have a habit of creating situations that are…. Not so easy to get out of. My favorite one essentially boiled down to ‘die die die, or I’ll kill you’.

Which, clearly, I struggled to find a useful compromise on.

Re: I'm addicted to being useful

#38

Post by tootie » Tue, Jan 20, 2026, 1:24 PM UTC

I am kinda the same only I'm not clear how the author describes useful. Being useful to my team, my employer my clients is ok but a lot of my career has been building software for businesses I did not understand and sometimes actively disliked. I'm unofficially retired after 25+ years in industry and look back at a spotty record of building anything lasting and positive. I had plenty of great teams and received praise for being effective at delivery but honestly it feels hollow in retrospect.

Re: I'm addicted to being useful

#39

Post by lazide » Tue, Jan 20, 2026, 1:25 PM UTC

sdoering wrote: post #20

tclancy wrote: post #7

> I don’t mind the ways in which my job is dysfunctional, because it matches the ways in which I myself am dysfunctional As a fellow traveller, I offer one caution: learn to turn this down in personal relationships as it can be counterproductive. It took decades for my wife to finally get through and explain not every problem she voices is something that needs a solution. Some times people just want to be heard. It b…

> I tend to need to solve All The Problems before I can do any self-care I can so relate. I once read something that shifted my perspective a bit and helped me start the work of learning to better care for myself. It was basically somebody talking/writing about the safety instructions when taking a flight. They tell you that in case of an emergency, when the o2 masks drop down to first put your ownmas on, before help…

One pattern I’ve noticed, however, is that if you’re really good at doing this - and the situations being created are artificial - you might run into a situation where someone cuts or poisons your oxygen mask first.

I would have said ‘no way is someone that evil’, but uh…. Ask most men in their 40’s or 50’s.

Re: I'm addicted to being useful

#40

Post by risyachka » Tue, Jan 20, 2026, 1:31 PM UTC

>> But despite all that, I’m still having a blast

This is proves its mostly over for the high income industry.

There are no good paying jobs where you are having a blast. Otherwise there is a lot of those who want to do that job which drives wages waay down.

High paying jobs are tough/stressful/not fun. Which was the case with software before.