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Childhood Friends, Not Moms, Shape Attachment Styles Most

nautil.us

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Re: Childhood Friends, Not Moms, Shape Attachment Styles Most

#31

Post by pedalpete »

interroboink wrote: post #15
pedalpete wrote: post #5

My first reaction was to refute this, but I think I've convinced myself this may be correct, assuming attachment styles are the right frame. I've been painted with the Avoidant brush, and logically it makes sense, broken home, removed from mother, moved regularly changing schools once a year for 5 years. However, my siblings are the opposite. We come from the same house, they didn't change schools as often as I did,…

Also, beware of taking generalities (such as the claims of this study) and applying that directly that to your specific life, or anyone else's. I mean, I like your comment and am glad you got thinking about this, but it's just a line of reasoning that I see a lot and I wish I saw less, so that's why I bring it up (: "True for most people" does not imply "true for me" or "true for that person over there". And the reve…

100% agree. I actually think of attachment styles like this generally. Your upbringing does not dictate your life, it influences.

Re: Childhood Friends, Not Moms, Shape Attachment Styles Most

#32

Post by Aeolun »

herpdyderp wrote: post #22
djmips wrote: post #20

I've observed children who have had tremendous close friends in childhood but were unable to recreate that in adulthood. Sometimes it's easier to make friends when you're 5.

I'd still rather be friends with a bunch of 5 year olds. (Unfortunately everyone would probably think that's super creepy.)

Kids in that age range are uncomplicated. The only thing they really desire is that you play with them. They just don’t consider anything beyond that.

But it seems hard for many adults to play with children, so it becomes this anomalous thing, even though I’m fairly certain it’s just something we’ve convinced ourselves adults “don’t do”.

Tag is still fun, whether you are 7 or 37.

Re: Childhood Friends, Not Moms, Shape Attachment Styles Most

#33

Post by cheesecompiler »

pedalpete wrote: post #5

My first reaction was to refute this, but I think I've convinced myself this may be correct, assuming attachment styles are the right frame. I've been painted with the Avoidant brush, and logically it makes sense, broken home, removed from mother, moved regularly changing schools once a year for 5 years. However, my siblings are the opposite. We come from the same house, they didn't change schools as often as I did,…

The family is a system, with different roles played by each participant. For instance, in toxic families, there is often one scapegoat, with an anxious attachment style, that affords the avoidant types in the family to participate in delusions.

What are the dynamics like of everyone in your family?

Re: Childhood Friends, Not Moms, Shape Attachment Styles Most

#34

Post by oh_my_goodness »

bonsai_spool wrote: post #13
cjbarber wrote: post #3

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Indeed, title should perhaps be: The parents of your kids' friends shape the attachment style of your kids

If you think this is true, why is the variance explained by the parents so low?

Variance explained by friends was also very low, to be honest.

Re: Childhood Friends, Not Moms, Shape Attachment Styles Most

#36

Post by throwattached »

In case this can be helpful to somebody else, I spent my ~twenties ignorant of what attachment styles were, while definitely exhibiting some very, very obvious attachment patterns. And I made a lot of mistakes, and made a lot of people close to me sad.

Reading the "Attached" book was a huge wake-up call. According to the questionnaire, for what it's worth, I was exhibiting ~100% avoidant behavior.

This led to therapy, and to a lot of atonement, and growth.

I just came here to say - if you have a minute, give it a read. And for fun, try the questionnaire:

https://archive.org/details/AttachementTheory/page/n37/mode/...

Best of luck

Re: Childhood Friends, Not Moms, Shape Attachment Styles Most

#37

Post by maxerickson »

shalmanese wrote: post #6

We've known roughly this since The Nurture Assumption (1998). Where parents do have an impact is in being able to choose the social circles their children are immersed in.

The discussion of toddlers more or less code switching is quite interesting.

Once they have a sense of self, even little kids will be very careful about revealing their home life to their school friends, and the same about school to their parents.

Re: Childhood Friends, Not Moms, Shape Attachment Styles Most

#38

Post by parpfish »

taurath wrote: post #28

No, one study doesn’t upend the last few decades of understanding of emotional attachment. The study simply says that ability to connect w friends is more predictive than observations they made of apparent attachment of parents. This happens much later so of course it’s more predictive of the actual end effects - that’s when attachment styles actually show up for the first time. Kids grow up to be very adaptive towar…

One study doesn’t definitively prove anything, but this is a 30 year longitudinal analysis with 700 participants. It’s way bigger than a typical study

Re: Childhood Friends, Not Moms, Shape Attachment Styles Most

#40

Post by jonahx »

taurath wrote: post #28

No, one study doesn’t upend the last few decades of understanding of emotional attachment. The study simply says that ability to connect w friends is more predictive than observations they made of apparent attachment of parents. This happens much later so of course it’s more predictive of the actual end effects - that’s when attachment styles actually show up for the first time. Kids grow up to be very adaptive towar…

Also, even the proposed effect is modest:

> But early friendship bonds played an even bigger part than maternal relationships in the ways people navigated adult friendships and romantic partnerships, accounting for 4 percent of the variance in adults’ romantic partner- and best friend-specific attachment anxiety, and 10 to 11 percent in their partner- and best friend-specific avoidance.

Just slightly less modest that analogous parental predictors, according to their claims.

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