This resonates with me and frankly it makes me feel worse about some very specific missed opportunities when I was held back by myself. But can you teach an old dog new tricks?
The electric fence stopped working years ago
31–40 of 151 posts
Re: The electric fence stopped working years ago
#32This is right. People ask my how on earth I know what every one of my high school classmates is up to, when we were the last class of the millennium. Along with a number of old teachers and other randoms from years ago. I just stopped having a filter. When I think of someone, I just fire off a message. The message doesn't have any warnings on it like "oh I know it's been a while" or "you might not remember me". I wri…
One of the best comments I’ve read on HN in quite a while. Good advice for us all.
Re: The electric fence stopped working years ago
#33I never had this fake sense of shame or embarrassment when it came to contacting people. Some people will keep tabs on when someone last contacted them, and hold it against them. I don't. Just last month I had lunch with middle school friends I hadn't seen in 40 years. I literally hadn't seen once since Grade 8. I friended them on Facebook years previous but didn't really have anything to chat about, but when I was i…
Commenting to say that I truly admire your attitude. You are the person I wish I was to my friends and hope to be some day again. I used to strive for this kind of approach to relationships but around COVID-19 it seems like I didn't have any gas in the tank left.
Re: The electric fence stopped working years ago
#34This is right. People ask my how on earth I know what every one of my high school classmates is up to, when we were the last class of the millennium. Along with a number of old teachers and other randoms from years ago. I just stopped having a filter. When I think of someone, I just fire off a message. The message doesn't have any warnings on it like "oh I know it's been a while" or "you might not remember me". I wri…
> The message doesn't have any warnings on it like "oh I know it's been a while" or "you might not remember me". Yes. I do this too and wish more people would. The qualifications, the "what have you been up to?"s -- such mind-numbingly boring conventions. Who wants to go through a "catchup" interview before talking about what's interesting. If that's the price, it's not worth it.
I can see this being good for social connections but for business it might be considered rude? Like an old boss, or employee?
Re: The electric fence stopped working years ago
#35Invisible fence.
An electric fence that stopped working years ago is still a fence.
Re: The electric fence stopped working years ago
#36This is right. People ask my how on earth I know what every one of my high school classmates is up to, when we were the last class of the millennium. Along with a number of old teachers and other randoms from years ago. I just stopped having a filter. When I think of someone, I just fire off a message. The message doesn't have any warnings on it like "oh I know it's been a while" or "you might not remember me". I wri…
Wow. This is so simple it blows my mind. It’s obvious, now that I see it. Suddenly I simultaneously realize how much I make it suck to talk to me and how easily I could change that. Thanks for sharing.
Re: The electric fence stopped working years ago
#37This is right. People ask my how on earth I know what every one of my high school classmates is up to, when we were the last class of the millennium. Along with a number of old teachers and other randoms from years ago. I just stopped having a filter. When I think of someone, I just fire off a message. The message doesn't have any warnings on it like "oh I know it's been a while" or "you might not remember me". I wri…
> The message doesn't have any warnings on it like "oh I know it's been a while" or "you might not remember me". Yes. I do this too and wish more people would. The qualifications, the "what have you been up to?"s -- such mind-numbingly boring conventions. Who wants to go through a "catchup" interview before talking about what's interesting. If that's the price, it's not worth it.
> The qualifications, the "what have you been up to?"s -- such mind-numbingly boring conventions. Who wants to go through a "catchup" interview before talking about what's interesting
If I think about someone, that's exactly what's on my mind and most interesting. What else would you talk about?
Re: The electric fence stopped working years ago
#38For most of us, certainly including me, a lot of those electric fences are alive and well. They are powered by thoughts associated with pain. Anything that triggers those thoughts, triggers that pain. We are not even aware of how our thinking has been constrained. We just avoid the possibility of triggering the thought. A person constrained by such a fence is very obvious from the outside. We see the irrational ratio…
You're right, we see everyone else's fences perfectly while blind to our own. Here's what helped me most, when I hit a painful thought, I try to think about it as, "What are you protecting me from?" Usually it's something that happened once, often years ago. Next time you feel that electric fence, just notice it. Then take one tiny step towards it (Joe Hudson talks about this as emotional fluency). The fence will bee…
The problem that I had with that approach is that the pain of the painful thought caused me to shy away from what was central to it.
Instead I have found that targeted gratitude has enabled me to bear the pain, while I face the pain, understand its cause, and start doing something about it. This isn't fast, it has been a journey. But a very good one.
Re: The electric fence stopped working years ago
#39Earlier quoted context omitted.
> The message doesn't have any warnings on it like "oh I know it's been a while" or "you might not remember me". Yes. I do this too and wish more people would. The qualifications, the "what have you been up to?"s -- such mind-numbingly boring conventions. Who wants to go through a "catchup" interview before talking about what's interesting. If that's the price, it's not worth it.
> The qualifications, the "what have you been up to?"s -- such mind-numbingly boring conventions. Who wants to go through a "catchup" interview before talking about what's interesting If I think about someone, that's exactly what's on my mind and most interesting. What else would you talk about?
Since we're talking about people you used to be closer with — presumably the same kind of stuff you would have talked to them about "back in the day", when you were already continuously aware of what they've been up to because you were up to it alongside them / constantly making plans with them / hearing what they were doing from shared other friends / etc.
Re: The electric fence stopped working years ago
#40> Think about it, when was the last time you were annoyed that someone reached out to check in? When did you ever think less of someone for being the one to text you? Never.
Apparently the author doesn’t know a certain kind of obnoxious people. ;)