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What does connecting with someone mean?

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Re: What does connecting with someone mean?

#31

Post by ChrisMarshallNY »

throwaway290 wrote: post #17
daymanstep wrote: post #8

Earlier quoted context omitted.

[flagged]

Maybe if you understand how that happened you would have an idea how to make the world have fewer people like that?

One of the most important things, in my experience, when in an adversarial relationship, is to understand, and, quite often, to respect my opponent. I need to understand why they are doing what they do, so I can make plans to counter them. Often, I can find ways to defuse the conflict, by negotiating compromises.

A pithy way to put it, is if you want to understand rats, talk to an exterminator.

Re: What does connecting with someone mean?

#32

Post by xelxebar »

nntwozz wrote: post #7

"It means mutual empathy — they get you and you get them. It's discovering similar values, experiences and perspectives. It's a feeling of trust and comfort where you both feel safe to say what is truly on your mind." Ah, sounds all fine and dandy! But what do you do when you discover you don't have similar values? Maybe there's no answer in todays polarized world; personally aspire to this: I don't like that man. I…

> But what do you do when you discover you don't have similar values?

Look deeper? Explicitly held beliefs are just a sliver of the tip of the iceberg that constitutes our experience as humans. The US, in particular, seems particularly fond of declarations of identity, so it helps to understand that such things are about as fundamental as the health of your pancreas.

IMHO, polarizing reactions, whether in others or yourself, look like obvious fear responses, which often respond to empathy and understanding.

More than fear, certainty smells like the mind killer to me.

Re: What does connecting with someone mean?

#33

Post by JLemay »

Empathy plays a crucial role in strengthening human connections, which unfortunately I believe has been eroded strongly by social media and a rise in individualism. The combination of anonymity, and the modern day psychological wiring towards instant gratification, makes online cruelty largely rewarding unfortunately.

Re: What does connecting with someone mean?

#34

Post by idiotsecant »

inezk wrote: post #3

Great insights. In US people do ask one another "how are you?", perhaps in a shallow way - but I think it's still an opener that can lead to more meaningful conversation. In Poland for instance, where I'm from, people don't ask "how are you?" one another - which slightly limits that opportunity. At the same time Europe as a whole has so much better work life balance which allows for many more outside work friends and…

'how are you' is not a genuine question, it's an opening salvo in an interaction ritual. You aren't supposed to actually answer it.

I hate it, it's absolutely useless and just occupies the first few seconds of an interaction for no reason.

Re: What does connecting with someone mean?

#35

Post by [deleted] »

scarface_74 wrote: post #29
inezk wrote: post #3

Great insights. In US people do ask one another "how are you?", perhaps in a shallow way - but I think it's still an opener that can lead to more meaningful conversation. In Poland for instance, where I'm from, people don't ask "how are you?" one another - which slightly limits that opportunity. At the same time Europe as a whole has so much better work life balance which allows for many more outside work friends and…

That is honestly a shallow greeting that leads to a shallow response. I hang out at the bar downstairs from where I live to talk to the bartender who is a friend (we have hung out before), and whoever else comes by - mostly tourists. My go to question is “what keeps you busy”? It’s open ended and I can talk about almost anything enough to ask questions and keep them talking.

[deleted]

Re: What does connecting with someone mean?

#36

Post by arcbyte »

al_borland wrote: post #5
inezk wrote: post #3

Great insights. In US people do ask one another "how are you?", perhaps in a shallow way - but I think it's still an opener that can lead to more meaningful conversation. In Poland for instance, where I'm from, people don't ask "how are you?" one another - which slightly limits that opportunity. At the same time Europe as a whole has so much better work life balance which allows for many more outside work friends and…

I’m from the US. “How are you,” is indeed a very shallow question that expects a very shallow and prescriptive response. I’ve seen where people answer it honestly, and when they walk away the person asking says something to the effect of, “god, I didn’t need his whole life story.” Experiences like this make me more hesitant to answer honestly. The better you know someone, the more this rule starts to bend, but that d…

> I’ve seen where people answer it honestly, and when they walk away the person asking says something to the effect of, “god, I didn’t need his whole life story.”

I've definitely experienced the same. However ive realized that invariably, the person answering honestly is wayyy happier in general than the person being critical. Learning to have the freedom to express yourself, invite connection, and let failed invitations go, is a superpower for a happy life.

Re: What does connecting with someone mean?

#37

Post by wanderingstan »

> People hate small talk because it avoids [vulnerability]. The purpose of social conversation is to connect but talking about the weather or the latest sportz ball result reveals sh!t.

I’m a defender of small talk. It’s the MVP of connection; you are at least talking to another person, mutual acknowledgement. It’s where relationships begin. It’s where you and the other can safely feel out the space of shared values and what’s top of mind: sports? Work? Family?

Oversharing is perhaps defined as sharing too much too soon, when you should still be doing small talk.

Sometimes people say they hate small talk but complain of the difficulty of making friends. Start by learning how to have light conversations. Keep talking. Depth comes naturally with time.

Re: What does connecting with someone mean?

#38

Post by grep_name »

al_borland wrote: post #5
inezk wrote: post #3

Great insights. In US people do ask one another "how are you?", perhaps in a shallow way - but I think it's still an opener that can lead to more meaningful conversation. In Poland for instance, where I'm from, people don't ask "how are you?" one another - which slightly limits that opportunity. At the same time Europe as a whole has so much better work life balance which allows for many more outside work friends and…

I’m from the US. “How are you,” is indeed a very shallow question that expects a very shallow and prescriptive response. I’ve seen where people answer it honestly, and when they walk away the person asking says something to the effect of, “god, I didn’t need his whole life story.” Experiences like this make me more hesitant to answer honestly. The better you know someone, the more this rule starts to bend, but that d…

I've lived my whole life in the southeastern US, and the comments online about this always make me feel like an alien. Everyone here always seems to imply that it's meaningless because "You have to say 'good', and if you don't say that people get upset," but I've just never once had that experience.

I almost never say 'good' in response to that question, even to a coworker I don't know well. In my friend groups, usually people will be straightforward about how they're doing as well. Maybe people don't know how to say 'bad' without following up with a story? It's easy once you start doing it. "Not great, but it's fine" or "I'm just keeping along / taking it day by day" is a fairly common response to get from me, especially lately, and it's always honest. Sometimes I will just say "TBH this week completely sucks for me" before continuing with what the conversation was about originally. If things are going well I will be effusive in my (still short) response ("I'm doing awesome actually"). And I do care about how the other person is doing when they respond. I've even gone so far as to ask, after finding out about bad news later in the conversation, "Damn, why'd you say you were doing well?".

I find it to be a deeply useful way to start a conversation. If you ask how I'm doing and you don't know me well, and I say something to imply I'm not having a good day, it completely changes the way the conversation should be conducted. Same goes for the other person's response. You always start every conversation on the same page ('how impatient / stressed is the other person right now?' is one of the most important pieces of context you can have). Over time, I've even found that it has the benefit of making me reflect on a regular basis on how I feel in the moment vs how I'm actually doing on a longer-term scale.

Re: What does connecting with someone mean?

#39

Post by absoluteunit1 »

ChrisMarshallNY wrote: post #27
nntwozz wrote: post #7

"It means mutual empathy — they get you and you get them. It's discovering similar values, experiences and perspectives. It's a feeling of trust and comfort where you both feel safe to say what is truly on your mind." Ah, sounds all fine and dandy! But what do you do when you discover you don't have similar values? Maybe there's no answer in todays polarized world; personally aspire to this: I don't like that man. I…

I believe that another quote attributed to Honest Abe, is ”The best way to destroy an enemy, is to make him your friend.” In my own life, I regularly interact (and connect) with folks that are notoriously difficult to deal with. This had significant advantages in my career. The folks in the office —regardless of their proclivities— were amateurs, compared to some of the people I hung with, in my free time.

> This had significant advantages in my career. The folks in the office —regardless of their proclivities— were amateurs, compared to some of the people I hung with, in my free time.

Could expand on this? What advantages in your career? Also, what do you mean by:

> were amateurs, compared to some of the people I hung with, in my free time.

Do you intentionally look to meet people with whom you disagree?

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