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The year I didn't survive

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Re: The year I didn't survive

#31

Post by dwaltrip »

justforaoneoff wrote: post #23
CobaltFire wrote: post #13

My son had cancer during COVID, though he was fortunate enough to beat it into remission (with the help of a huge care team). I was active duty military, and he is also non-verbal and autistic. The things she talks about, how focused she was and how hard it is to do any of that now, I've been experiencing exactly the same things. I find it hard to do anything, put anything together, etc. after 3 years of managing his…

COVID coincided with my daughter being born, my parents dying unexpectedly and my partner having complete mental breakdown all while I was working a very stressful job with long hours and high stakes. Years have passed and I still feel like the battered husk of the person I was. I have good days and bad days but I'm slowly coming to accept I won't ever feel the confidence, the capability or the boundless reserves of…

I've had some rough years recently as well.

I'm slowly healing and learning how to live a new life. A life that I like. But it's been really fucking hard. This wasn't in the manual.

I hear you both (and anyone lurking :). Much love to you all.

Re: The year I didn't survive

#32

Post by irjustin »

CobaltFire wrote: post #13

My son had cancer during COVID, though he was fortunate enough to beat it into remission (with the help of a huge care team). I was active duty military, and he is also non-verbal and autistic. The things she talks about, how focused she was and how hard it is to do any of that now, I've been experiencing exactly the same things. I find it hard to do anything, put anything together, etc. after 3 years of managing his…

I know nothing of the difficulties you nor the OP face, but

> It's like I burnt out that part of me. Maybe I'm slowly healing? But I don't feel like it.

You've probably heard it, but maybe to help remind, I just wanted to say - It's okay to be burnt out and do little or nothing. I believe it's the minimum requirement to healing and it _will_ take years maybe even a decade. I was cheated on and that affected me for 2 years and that's trivial to the road you walk.

Re: The year I didn't survive

#33

Post by rpjt »

throwcatowayne wrote: post #30
justforaoneoff wrote: post #23

Earlier quoted context omitted.

COVID coincided with my daughter being born, my parents dying unexpectedly and my partner having complete mental breakdown all while I was working a very stressful job with long hours and high stakes. Years have passed and I still feel like the battered husk of the person I was. I have good days and bad days but I'm slowly coming to accept I won't ever feel the confidence, the capability or the boundless reserves of…

Jeez, this resonates with me so much. In 2019 I was constantly on the upswing. But in 2020, it's been an intensely downward spiral since. I was under so much stress from a 60hr/wk job, isolated during covid with a partner who turned physically abusive and having constant mental breakdowns, on top of trying to endure it all for a once in a lifetime housing opportunity, and then both of my parents ended up hospitalized…

That sounds really rough. Here if you ever want to talk about it. Sorry.

Re: The year I didn't survive

#34

Post by CobaltFire »

irjustin wrote: post #32
CobaltFire wrote: post #13

My son had cancer during COVID, though he was fortunate enough to beat it into remission (with the help of a huge care team). I was active duty military, and he is also non-verbal and autistic. The things she talks about, how focused she was and how hard it is to do any of that now, I've been experiencing exactly the same things. I find it hard to do anything, put anything together, etc. after 3 years of managing his…

I know nothing of the difficulties you nor the OP face, but > It's like I burnt out that part of me. Maybe I'm slowly healing? But I don't feel like it. You've probably heard it, but maybe to help remind, I just wanted to say - It's okay to be burnt out and do little or nothing. I believe it's the minimum requirement to healing and it _will_ take years maybe even a decade. I was cheated on and that affected me for 2…

I was fortunate enough to be in a place where I could "retire" the month after he rang the bell.

I've been doing my own thing for close to two years now, trying to heal.

Maybe I will someday. Until then, I somehow manage to keep up with his (still elevated) needs and try to be a good husband and father to my other child.

Re: The year I didn't survive

#35

Post by tombert »

beachtaxidriver wrote: post #28
tombert wrote: post #19

Earlier quoted context omitted.

> I'm truly sorry for all that you've been through and I hope you find comfort. Reading through your other post it seems likely to me that nothing you said or did could have made any difference. Yeah I know, that's not really why I feel guilty, at least not exactly. I feel guilty because I noticed signs of someone who was suicidal, and explicitly chose to not do anything. Even if nothing would have changed, I still t…

I read your original post and almost every reasonable person would have paused, but then have written it off as dark humor by someone they didn't know that well. The only reason you might think there were "signs" you should have caught now is because of what happened but no one could have known in advance. From a total Internet stranger, give yourself some grace. Or what I have also heard: Judge yourself the way you…

> The only reason you might think there were "signs" you should have caught now is because of what happened but no one could have known in advance.

Not quite that simple. I remember sitting in my bed that night, wrestling with whether or not I should call the police or something, and I explicitly chose to do nothing because I didn't want him to think I was weird.

Maybe my mind is blowing it up worse than it was, but that's how I remember it.

Re: The year I didn't survive

#36

Post by tw19disaster »

Throwaway account. I'm fairly open about this, but don't really want it associated for all time with me.

About a year after my marriage split up I went to the marriage of someone close to me. During the ceremony I had severe chest pains and was pretty sure I was having a heart attack. I didn't want to disturb the ceremony (they were exchanging rings!) so I figured I'd wait 5 minutes then get up and call an ambulance.

The pain went away, and I didn't do anything about it for a while. Later I had a panic attack when at a new GF's place and had to leave.

Eventually I went to a therapist, and they pointed out these are symptoms of PTSD and trauma.

Anyway, I'm fine now. But it wasn't until I had the physical symptoms that I believed the impact of these things wasn't just something I could ignore.

Re: The year I didn't survive

#37

Post by zmgsabst »

tombert wrote: post #19
danparsonson wrote: post #14

Earlier quoted context omitted.

I was reflecting just yesterday how, as we get older, gradually more and more of those who have been part of our sphere for significant portions of our lives (whether direct acquaintances, or just people who we know because of their public actions) begin to leave us, and how everyone who passes, whoever they are and however well we knew them, leaves a space that can't be filled. I'm truly sorry for all that you've be…

> I'm truly sorry for all that you've been through and I hope you find comfort. Reading through your other post it seems likely to me that nothing you said or did could have made any difference. Yeah I know, that's not really why I feel guilty, at least not exactly. I feel guilty because I noticed signs of someone who was suicidal, and explicitly chose to not do anything. Even if nothing would have changed, I still t…

I don’t know you personally, so what I say may not be relevant, but these sentences stood out to me:

> I feel guilty because I noticed signs of someone who was suicidal, and explicitly chose to not do anything.

> It feels like the universe was giving me a character test, and it feels like I failed it.

So why not choose to do something different now?

Perhaps why you feel enduringly bad is because those events disrupted your self-narrative and that never recovered. Why not create facts that support a new narrative about how failing then led to you being a better person now? — eg, volunteering.

To have a purpose and to give meaning to things are important parts of how we, as humans, process such events. At least, according to Frankl.

Regardless, I hope you feel better.

Re: The year I didn't survive

#39

Post by j3s »

we are millions of streams that never stop flowing -- but we love to pretend that there's consistency to it. we like to imagine ourselves as a continuous person.

but we're not. we change, moment to moment, forever, endlessly -- it doesn't stop, ever. not when we go to sleep. not when we go through a traumatic event. not when we die.

a stark reminder of our fragility. i hope the author can find peace.

Re: The year I didn't survive

#40

Post by tombert »

fragmede wrote: post #29
tombert wrote: post #19

Earlier quoted context omitted.

> I'm truly sorry for all that you've been through and I hope you find comfort. Reading through your other post it seems likely to me that nothing you said or did could have made any difference. Yeah I know, that's not really why I feel guilty, at least not exactly. I feel guilty because I noticed signs of someone who was suicidal, and explicitly chose to not do anything. Even if nothing would have changed, I still t…

Put it this way: the next time life puts a similar decision before you, would you still "fail"? If you believe in life teaching you lessons, one way to frame it is to look past how you feel and look at the actions/decisions concerning other people you've made since then. Are they the same decisions/actions you would have made before? Or did that one particular interaction manage to change your behavior?

I have tried to be a bit more sensitive and observant about this kind of stuff now.
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