What really happens inside a dating app • Hacker News Board

Re: What really happens inside a dating app

#31

Post by brazzy » Tue, Feb 04, 2025, 10:34 PM UTC

Workaccount2 wrote: post #3

The data here falls in line with the infamous OKcupid study (which got cancelled and taken down because men and women are identical, donchaknow?) The takeaway is that humans best date by meeting people in person through mutual acquaintances. Without the forced direct social interaction, women are only interested in the top 10% of guys, and guys are just aimlessly running at anything that moves regardless of their act…

Men are dying of thirst in the desert and women are dying of thirst in the ocean.

(not my analogy, but IMO very succinct)

Re: What really happens inside a dating app

#32

Post by carabiner » Tue, Feb 04, 2025, 10:35 PM UTC

bongoman42 wrote: post #5

Interesting data in the article though nothing unexpected for people who follow this space. Some notable points: > The other thing that interests you is the like ratio, or the openness, among 100 profiles that the user sees, how many of them does he like? (The median for men is 26% and for women is 4%.) >The like ratio of a girl is almost independent of the profiles she sees. For example, if a girl has a like ratio o…

This one is classic:

> Girls would say, red flag if a guy has shirtless pictures and then liking profiles where guys were shirtless.

This is surprising:

> In our case we had even acquisition in terms of male/female, but the retention of girls is lower than that of men, so you end up with 66% men and 34% women.

2:1 men to woman is a far better ratio than what most people claim (5:1 is usually thrown around with no evidence).

These points will ruffle feathers:

> But I think dating apps can currently be used at each women and men advantage, it is just necessary to have the right strategy:

> For girls you need to lower your standards and force you to go on a date with guys that you dont have the flame for (it is actually very hard to do that for a girl, very very hard)

> For guys, you need to pay a photograph (to get liked) and pay the premium plan (so that your profile is shown to other users). If you think a dating app has no incentive to show paying users to girls, then you didnt read this article ^^

Re: What really happens inside a dating app

#33

Post by semitones » Tue, Feb 04, 2025, 10:36 PM UTC

allenbina wrote: post #10

I'm not going to go into details as I don't want to create a throwaway account for HN, but I can attribute a lot of people's feelings in dating apps to a few things. I got an email from Bumble a few years ago that said I was in the top x percent of people swiped on. If you try to brute force stats your way to dating apps, you will fail.... to some extent. A lot of this comes down to looks that you can control, and lo…

> I got an email from Bumble a few years ago that said I was in the top x percent of people swiped on.

Was this humble brag relevant to the rest of your point?

Re: What really happens inside a dating app

#34

Post by mettamage » Tue, Feb 04, 2025, 10:37 PM UTC

marinmania wrote: post #30

bongoman42 wrote: post #5

Interesting data in the article though nothing unexpected for people who follow this space. Some notable points: > The other thing that interests you is the like ratio, or the openness, among 100 profiles that the user sees, how many of them does he like? (The median for men is 26% and for women is 4%.) >The like ratio of a girl is almost independent of the profiles she sees. For example, if a girl has a like ratio o…

I have a theory for the swiping behavior of women. When they swipe right, it will most likely be a match, and they mentally don't want more than X active conversations at a time. This strikes me as rational and reasonable. For men, most swipes will not be a match, so less reason to ever think about swiping left to maintain a certain swipe pecentage. Just a theory!

> they mentally don't want more than X active conversations at a time

This is true. My cap was at 50 conversations at the same time. After that, my brain got fried (male here).

Re: What really happens inside a dating app

#35

Post by nemomarx » Tue, Feb 04, 2025, 10:38 PM UTC

jameslk wrote: post #21

> The likelihood to like and exchange inside homosexual groups is much higher than in heterosexual ones. > The like ratio of a girl is almost independent of the profiles she sees. For example, if a girl has a like ratio of 5% and you remove 50% of the profiles, even if you remove only the profiles she will not like, her like ratio will still be 5% These two statements sound like they would be at odds. It seems either…

Only at odds if you assume the behavior is gendered and not a response or effect of the dating community in general - homosexual sub communities could have lots of community effects that change this up, just like heterosexual communities differ.

Re: What really happens inside a dating app

#36

Post by mettamage » Tue, Feb 04, 2025, 10:38 PM UTC

ramoz wrote: post #2

> To me, if you are a guy on a dating app and your pictures are not taken by a professional photographer then you are losing your time, and if you are paying you are also throwing your money. Don't do this. You need good pictures that convey attractiveness (looks, as well as personality). Using professional photos conveys neediness & a level of desperation hidden under a shell of an ego the shot tries to portray. So…

I optimized heavily on good photos. It worked for me, YMMV.

Re: What really happens inside a dating app

#37

Post by lifestyleguru » Tue, Feb 04, 2025, 10:38 PM UTC

What I hate about Tinder is that it has become the only way to find woman for sex and for relationship, even if with miserable probabilities. Even in my tiny non English speaking country. The man has to pay for the app. Women ending up on Tinder loathe how despicable the app is ("looking for a pearl in this cesspool", "don't believe I ended up here" etc.) while somehow don't notice that they make this place this way.

Re: What really happens inside a dating app

#38

Post by ebiester » Tue, Feb 04, 2025, 10:40 PM UTC

ramoz wrote: post #2

> To me, if you are a guy on a dating app and your pictures are not taken by a professional photographer then you are losing your time, and if you are paying you are also throwing your money. Don't do this. You need good pictures that convey attractiveness (looks, as well as personality). Using professional photos conveys neediness & a level of desperation hidden under a shell of an ego the shot tries to portray. So…

Don't get a professional headshot, of course!

But you absolutely should have someone who knows how to make you look as good as possible in a natural environment.

You should also have a woman friend critically evaluate your profile. (If you don't have a friend you trust, you should first make sure you can make trusted friends with women who will tell you the truth.)

Re: What really happens inside a dating app

#39

Post by mettamage » Tue, Feb 04, 2025, 10:41 PM UTC

allenbina wrote: post #10

I'm not going to go into details as I don't want to create a throwaway account for HN, but I can attribute a lot of people's feelings in dating apps to a few things. I got an email from Bumble a few years ago that said I was in the top x percent of people swiped on. If you try to brute force stats your way to dating apps, you will fail.... to some extent. A lot of this comes down to looks that you can control, and lo…

6 out of 10 male here (on looks), if that. Got about 300 matches, because I understand social systems and have a hacker mindset. Ultimately, met my wife after 30 dates. Didn't expect that.

> Throwing money at apps works. I'm not going to go into details because my opinion is not based on anything other than my opinion, but I found that the more I spent on the apps, the more dates I would get.

I've experienced that too.

> Modern dating when compared to traditional dating offline is not even the same thing. Ghosting and talking romantically to multiple people is normal. You can't let yourself get emotionally attached to anyone until you actually know them or expect anything from them.

Similar experience.

Re: What really happens inside a dating app

#40

Post by j1elo » Tue, Feb 04, 2025, 10:42 PM UTC

bradlys wrote: post #25

jfengel wrote: post #24

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Out of curiosity... what does "ugly" mean? Is it deformed, or just not conforming to a cultural beauty standard?

Ugly by most standards is simply not being desired by anyone. You don't have to be an acid victim like two-face to be ugly. I'd say someone is definitely ugly if you swipe on a few hundred average looking people and get zero matches back. That's ugly.

> if you swipe on a few hundred average looking people and get zero matches back. That's ugly.

What's ugly is using an anemometer to measure a distance. I mean, using number of matches in a dating app, to measure uglyness. Dating apps are products designed by psychologist and built by engineers to generate frustration and make people pay, not to serve as a measurement stick of the average person's attractiveness.

Dating apps are utterly broken. Don't do that to yourself, or to anyone.

Meeting women in the Real World through common acquaintances. That's where the moat is.