Ambitious but at peace

"it would be cool if ..." runs into "but effort" and dies, while "it sucks that ..." is something that gnaws at you

The buddhists would say that expectation and attachment are the root of suffering, and to completely let go of them is the only way to transcend the pain of being.

I don't know if I'd go that far, more like the middle way or Aristotelian golden mean.

I think to an extent there is some inevitable pain in wanting for something that is not yet there, but that doesn't have to be the primary emotion. It's like in relationships or flirting, if there's no friction at all, it's not compelling, it's boring.

But the underlying thing that makes these relationships worth it, just like pursuing your aspirations, is less about the outcome and more about the process of growing and learning. Or optimally, it should be. Paradoxically, a focus on the process and engaging with it sustainably will oftentimes get you closer to the end goal than excessive goal focus and beating yourself up for the whole time you have not yet reached your goal.

The tragic part of aspiration is that often those that are ambitious are also incredibly critical thinkers, and are thus not as able or willing to count the small wins and gradual progress that comes from a sustainable approach.

We also have a tendency to move goalposts, so that by the time we achieve an original goal, we already have the next ones lined up. So the feeling ends up being inadequacy and disappointment.

"Why am I never meeting all of my goals? There must be something wrong with me..."

"There's always something left to try to crack at the end of the day, and until I figure it out I can't let myself off the hook."

This can lead to burnout, cynicism, and frankly a pretty toxic social life.

It's been a process to be in the paradoxical state of constantly wanting to improve and realizing the human constraints I have aren't typically existential flaws, they're just parts of the experience.

Pausing to assess my progress, optimally with objective data, to be able to come to a conclusion and adjust if needed allows me to "give it a rest" with the constant cross examination of self.

Over time, it becomes less constant. Over time, I've learned to appreciate my progress.

One of the big things recently is learning to appreciate myself for WHO I am rather than what I can do to "create value".

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LdjqZGzMGtE

Effort seems to be a quite malleable kind of experience. It can be enjoyed or despised depending on how you've trained your impulses around that certain kind of effort. This further speaks to using the "it would be cool if ..." narrative.

Trying to build upon "it sucks that ..." seems to create a bunch of weird self sabotaging behaviours in my experience. Since I tried moving away from that I've found it easier to motivate myself to do things that aren't immediately rewarding. And perhaps more importantly, the journey there seems more enjoyable.

And I think it makes a lot of sense that using a carrot instead of a stick on yourself produces more consistent behaviour. You move towards a carrot and you flee from a stick. You can flee in most directions.

Changing the way you think about yourself takes a lot of time though. Impulses are deeply rooted.

Somewhat related, there's a teaching in the Pirkei Avot (attributed to Rabbi Tarfon): "It is not your responsibility to finish the work [of perfecting the world], but you are not free to desist from it either"

There's a lot of overlap with ideas in Terror Management Theory. A lot of TMT is denial of death & not facing it, but also some people have a far more head on approach, motivate by watching the candle burn. Theres a variety of new page browser extensions that show life-left clocks of various sorts, for example.

I haven't read deep in, but even a couple long form pop write ups has been an affirming experience to go theough, has made me feel less alienated for trying to walk the line with my dissatisfactions (instead of opting for available happinesses or contentednesses). I know others grapple similarly, but somehow having some name some theory that talks somewhat to this desperate dissatisfaction fuel really helped me equalize pressure & handle this stress a bit better.