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Ask HN: How are you a good dad to your kids?

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Re: Ask HN: How are you a good dad to your kids?

#31

Post by tikkun »

sdfghswe wrote: post #30
tikkun wrote: post #29

Earlier quoted context omitted.

It sounds like you're talking more about the knowledge of what emotional regulation is and what it means - totally agree that at 18 mo he had approximately zero understanding of that. I'm talking about the practiced/done skill of emotional regulation. Seeing his ability to self-soothe relative to other kids at 18 months, it's very clear that he has a solid amount of the skill of emotional regulation, even without any…

I will start doing this.

Nice. Here's how it might go down:

He climbs up somewhere and gets kinda stuck. I go over to him and put my hand on his back and breathe and invite him to breathe. Then I spot him, but I don't help him down, I encourage him that he'll be able to get down.

Often, he only wanted his mom to do the breathing with him. That's fine. He falls, cries, we both offer him a hug, he goes to mom and she breathes with him while he cries and I put my hand on his back while she's holding him and offer him a gentle gaze if he wants to look at me, while I breathe with him as well.

Re: Ask HN: How are you a good dad to your kids?

#32

Post by hello_computer »

hnuser847 wrote: post #15

My entire life I believed that my childhood was pretty decent, and fairly privileged even. My parents provided a safe and stable home environment in a wealthy suburb of Chicago, sent me to some decent public schools, took me on nice vacations, and paid for my college in full. After having kids of my own, a flood of disturbing realizations came to me about all the things they didn't do . For example, my parents never…

Same story here, but less wealthy. All I can say is forgive and move on. Your dad stuck around, which is something. They delivered the material goods, which is something. And most valuable of all, they provided a valuable counterexample. Stay away from the shrinks. They pour salt into the wounds, prescribe pills, and hardly any of their "research" replicates. Forgiveness is where it's at.

> answering here since I'm rate-limited:

Took maybe a year or two. I see them a couple times a year. Not saying to ignore facts and forget what they are, but to stop holding the grudge and move on.

For the shrinks, I wouldn't call it a "bad" experience, but an unfruitful one. Lots of words, terminology, techniques--just to dig the hole deeper. Better and simpler to just chalk it up to their own limitations as human beings and forgive. You don't get pissed at the dog for not knowing how to use a toilet. As the child, you are made from the same stuff. Without their counterexample, you probably would have settled into the same error.

Re: Ask HN: How are you a good dad to your kids?

#33

Post by hnuser847 »

hello_computer wrote: post #32
hnuser847 wrote: post #15

My entire life I believed that my childhood was pretty decent, and fairly privileged even. My parents provided a safe and stable home environment in a wealthy suburb of Chicago, sent me to some decent public schools, took me on nice vacations, and paid for my college in full. After having kids of my own, a flood of disturbing realizations came to me about all the things they didn't do . For example, my parents never…

Same story here, but less wealthy. All I can say is forgive and move on. Your dad stuck around, which is something. They delivered the material goods, which is something. And most valuable of all, they provided a valuable counterexample. Stay away from the shrinks. They pour salt into the wounds, prescribe pills, and hardly any of their "research" replicates. Forgiveness is where it's at. > answering here since I'm r…

How long did it take you to forgive them? Are they still in your life?

For me personally, I think it's too soon to forgive them. The past six months have been the first time in my life that I've allowed myself to feel all the pent up rage I have towards them. It's the first time that I've stopped making excuses for their behavior too. I feel like I need to process all this anger before I can forgive them. And even then, I'm not sure I want them back in my life. They've continued to disappoint me even well into adulthood. For example, they chose to go on a long vacation instead of being in town during the birth of my first son (their first grandson). They missed his first birthday party as well, despite living only 45 minutes away.

That's interesting that you advise staying away from shrinks. Did you have a bad experience? I've been relying heavily on my therapist (and books written by therapists) to help me process these realizations. It's been extremely painful but overall I've found it helpful, especially the books.

Re: Ask HN: How are you a good dad to your kids?

#35

Post by theGnuMe »

hnuser847 wrote: post #33
hello_computer wrote: post #32

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Same story here, but less wealthy. All I can say is forgive and move on. Your dad stuck around, which is something. They delivered the material goods, which is something. And most valuable of all, they provided a valuable counterexample. Stay away from the shrinks. They pour salt into the wounds, prescribe pills, and hardly any of their "research" replicates. Forgiveness is where it's at. > answering here since I'm r…

How long did it take you to forgive them? Are they still in your life? For me personally, I think it's too soon to forgive them. The past six months have been the first time in my life that I've allowed myself to feel all the pent up rage I have towards them. It's the first time that I've stopped making excuses for their behavior too. I feel like I need to process all this anger before I can forgive them. And even th…

Hey you sound like me. I grew up similarly to you. What you experienced is called childhood emotional neglect. It's basically the absence of emotional connection with your parents. As in you did not get your emotional needs met by your parents.

There are a bunch of books on it now but the first was Running on Empty by Dr. Jonice Webb. She describes it well. Someone here on HN recommended it a few weeks ago and I read it. And low and behold I identify with it completely and it explains a lot of my life. And now I am working to break that cycle with my kids and wife first and eventually my parents if possible. It's been a lot of hard work.

Re: Ask HN: How are you a good dad to your kids?

#36

Post by BJBBB »

I am not a great father. I am an uncle that 'helped' my wife raise a niece and nephew. Many consider my guardianship to have been, at best, poorly implemented.

I simply went along with whatever they had wanted to do. My wife was stuck with all the non-fun stuff. We climbed mountains, we hiked across deserts, we flew airplanes, we canoed rivers, we ate whatever we wanted and when we wanted (at least when the wife was not around), let them routinely skip school when the wife was not in town, taught them to use all of the power and hand tools in my shop, taught them to use all of the equipment on my electronics benches, took them to IPSC matches, took them to rock concerts (at least I did not allow any weed smoking). Took them to whatever R-rated movies they wanted. Read Heinlein, Asimov, Sprague de Camp, Le Guin, and other such stuff when they were young as bed-time fare. I shit you not, their favorite was 'A Brief History of Time' - not a chance that kids at 5 and 7 years of age understood that Hawking shit, but they liked it.

The boy got a fancy PhD and does stupid shit for stupid people that pay him obscene salaries. The girl got music and math degrees and teaches music and math in a New Mexico public school.

My wife says that they turned out ok in spite of my non-efforts, not because of them. She may be correct, I dunno.

Re: Ask HN: How are you a good dad to your kids?

#37

Post by qup »

BJBBB wrote: post #36

I am not a great father. I am an uncle that 'helped' my wife raise a niece and nephew. Many consider my guardianship to have been, at best, poorly implemented. I simply went along with whatever they had wanted to do. My wife was stuck with all the non-fun stuff. We climbed mountains, we hiked across deserts, we flew airplanes, we canoed rivers, we ate whatever we wanted and when we wanted (at least when the wife was…

Despite the intro, you sound like a great father. You invested a lot of time into them.

Re: Ask HN: How are you a good dad to your kids?

#38

Post by aussiegreenie »

By most people beliefs, I am a good dad. I am a single father as my wife died last year after several years of serious illness.

1. Have never knownly lied to my daughter- not about Santa Claus nor extreme sex. If she asks a question I answer it to the best of my ability.

2. Trust - I have have a very high level of trust and she has much more freedom than other children in her class.

3. Constantly saying how proud I am of her and how much I love her.

It help we are in Australia where it is very safe, no guns.

Re: Ask HN: How are you a good dad to your kids?

#39

Post by [deleted] »

aussiegreenie wrote: post #38

By most people beliefs, I am a good dad. I am a single father as my wife died last year after several years of serious illness. 1. Have never knownly lied to my daughter- not about Santa Claus nor extreme sex. If she asks a question I answer it to the best of my ability. 2. Trust - I have have a very high level of trust and she has much more freedom than other children in her class. 3. Constantly saying how proud I a…

[deleted]
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