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Forces that fuel friendship

theatlantic.com

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Re: Forces that fuel friendship

#31

Post by Zababa »

I don't know if something is missing from this article or if I have a very restrictive view of friendship. For example, when I was in college, there were a few people with which I talked pretty much everyday, had lunch with them, went to class with them. However, I don't really consider them my friends. They were a bit more like "colleagues". We never saw each others outside of college, and spending time with them doesn't fill me with energy like when I spend time with my friends. There are lots of things that they don't "get" if I talk about them, not as in "understand" but as in "get" on a fundamental level.

Following the framework of the article, either "attention" was missing, or something is missing from the article. In French we have an expression, "atomes crochus", which would be equivalent to "chemistry" in English. Without that, friendship isn't really possible for me, I'll always get "stuck" only at a certain level with those people. There's no mention of chemistry at all in this article. I get that it's a bit unfair, you can't decide to have good chemistry with someone, but at least for me that's how things are.

Re: Forces that fuel friendship

#32

Post by yosito »

I clicked expecting to see some science-based research about what results in good friendships. Instead I found an opinion based listicle. Not necessarily a bad article for provoking thought, but definitely more opinion than fact.

I recently went to cross cultural a meetup where friendship was the topic of discussion. One thing I realized is that people struggle to agree on a definition of friendship. There's an especially noticeable divide between individualist and collectivist cultures.

My own definition of a friend is "someone with whom I have shared, positive experiences". But I do find that there's a difference between fast-friends, and long lasting, deep friendships. The six things mentioned in this article are definitely good things to consider if you want to develop long lasting friendships, but they're also not fixed formulas.

Re: Forces that fuel friendship

#33

Post by swayvil »

telesilla wrote: post #22
isaacfrond wrote: post #11

The friend app from the article: https://bumble.com/bff

I understand this is for self-identifying women. I've several friends who have had success. I wonder what the conditions might need to be for platonic male friendships to form, it seems to be harder. Judging from my position as a woman who easily makes acquaintances that occasionally become friendships, and my partner who is very amicable to strangers but doesn't care to make new friends.

Is self-identification really a thing? Identity seems more of a social artifact, emerging naturally from the collective dynamic.

Re: Forces that fuel friendship

#34

Post by swayvil »

cies wrote: post #13

I learned there are only 2 pillars under friendship: shared interests and trust.

Empirically speaking, I learned from a wise old friend that a party requires 4 things : Food, music, drugs and games.

And people at parties are similar to friends.

For what that's worth.

Re: Forces that fuel friendship

#35

Post by zeroonetwothree »

johnchristopher wrote: post #6
everdrive wrote: post #4

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Not calling them "NPCs" is probably useful as well.

Or "normies" while we are at it. A recent trend I am noticing more often on HN.

I thought this was used typically for people “off the spectrum”.

Re: Forces that fuel friendship

#36

Post by multiplegeorges »

yosito wrote: post #32

I clicked expecting to see some science-based research about what results in good friendships. Instead I found an opinion based listicle. Not necessarily a bad article for provoking thought, but definitely more opinion than fact. I recently went to cross cultural a meetup where friendship was the topic of discussion. One thing I realized is that people struggle to agree on a definition of friendship. There's an espec…

To call this a listicle is technically accurate, but does a large disservice to the experience of the author. She has conducted ~1000 interviews with friends to determine the content of the list.

While this is not a peer-reviewed work, I would bet that her dataset and experience amounts to an easily publishable qualitative sociology/psychology paper.

Re: Forces that fuel friendship

#37

Post by zeroonetwothree »

Zababa wrote: post #31

I don't know if something is missing from this article or if I have a very restrictive view of friendship. For example, when I was in college, there were a few people with which I talked pretty much everyday, had lunch with them, went to class with them. However, I don't really consider them my friends. They were a bit more like "colleagues". We never saw each others outside of college, and spending time with them do…

Friendship requires a shared experience in more than one context. Since you only saw those people in one context they did not become friends.

Re: Forces that fuel friendship

#38

Post by pkdpic »

yosito wrote: post #32

I clicked expecting to see some science-based research about what results in good friendships. Instead I found an opinion based listicle. Not necessarily a bad article for provoking thought, but definitely more opinion than fact. I recently went to cross cultural a meetup where friendship was the topic of discussion. One thing I realized is that people struggle to agree on a definition of friendship. There's an espec…

Agreed, I was expecting more substance from this article.

I don't think its much of a stretch to view friendship as a concrete social problem. Especially good friendships in our professional spheres which are vital to career fulfillment and health imo.

Anyway there was (sadly) nothing realistically actionable in this article for anyone seeking something even vaguely science or stat based.

Re: Forces that fuel friendship

#39

Post by multiplegeorges »

swayvil wrote: post #33
telesilla wrote: post #22

Earlier quoted context omitted.

I understand this is for self-identifying women. I've several friends who have had success. I wonder what the conditions might need to be for platonic male friendships to form, it seems to be harder. Judging from my position as a woman who easily makes acquaintances that occasionally become friendships, and my partner who is very amicable to strangers but doesn't care to make new friends.

Is self-identification really a thing? Identity seems more of a social artifact, emerging naturally from the collective dynamic.

Yes, it is.

Someone can self-identify as a gender (among other things), alter their appearance to present as such, and a kind and empathetic society will (should) then regard them as such.

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