Hacker News Board Hacker News, browsed like a classic message board
Live data from Hacker News

Finding Love Optimally

mat.tepper.cmu.edu

Post reply on HN
Print view View original

31–40 of 45 posts

Re: Finding Love Optimally

#31

Post by john_b »

DeusExMachina wrote: post #18
danenania wrote: post #9

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Just going out with the vague intention of meeting women isn't going to get you anywhere as a nerdy type of guy. A better approach is to do things that you'll enjoy anyway where talking and getting to know others (including women) is a core part of the activity. A few that come to mind: creative writing groups, acting groups, language learning groups and exchanges, book clubs. I'm sure there are plenty of others. Bes…

Yes, thank you for the addition. I was meaning these activities, even though only in an implied manner. Going out and talking to a woman out of nothing is hard stuff that requires a lot of effort and the right personality. Another couple of activities you can add to the list are singing in a choir and dancing (I dance tango, for example). In both cases you are pretty much guaranteed that women will exceed men in numb…

I'll second the dancing idea. Salsa and other types of latin dance are especially good, since the culture of those dance forms is (generally) that there is nothing wrong in asking a girl to dance whether she is in a relationship or not.

But if you're the introverted type and not comfortable with your dance skills (like me when I started), you still have to swallow your pride and get out there. There is no getting around that. Just don't go join a dance club (or any other hobby-based group) with the sole intention of meeting women because (1) you won't enjoy it and (2) the women will sense it.

Re: Finding Love Optimally

#32

Post by john_b »

ajays wrote: post #26
dev_jim wrote: post #7

I couldn't give you the math, but the optimal strategy is to always date two or three women at any given time. This allows you to always keep your favorite while giving an opportunity for new contenders to rise to the top. Now of course this strategy only works for about a year with any individual girl until exclusivity becomes an issue. This is similar to how most companies solve the secretary (or at least the softw…

I came here to say this. Dating multiple women takes the pressure off your primary pursuit. I know this may sound immoral or bad to some people, but: believe me, it works. Just the fact that you have a couple of backups makes you a lot more relaxed, spontaneous and fun to be with. Maybe it's the ego trip; maybe it's the fact that you always have a backup. But whatever it is: you are a lot more fun to be with when you…

It's worse to actively try to hide the other women than to bring them up. I have never done this myself, but my dad did when he was younger. He wouldn't bring up the other women on purpose, but if one of them wanted to spend some time together on Thursday and my dad had a date with a different one on Thursday, then he would be honest with her. He was honest with them all at the beginning though; you have to define what you want and expect early. Not all girls will be ok with this kind of relationship, but a surprising number will be. It probably has to do with common fears that women have concerning the guy becoming needy or too attached. Dating multiple women at the same time signals that your expectations are modest and you are not looking for anything serious, which takes the pressure off of the girl.

But beware: one of those women my dad was dating turned out to be my mom. No relationship can go forever without becoming serious or dissolving.

Re: Finding Love Optimally

#33

Post by Fliko »

MarkPNeyer wrote: post #20

i've heard that the best way to find love is to stop searching for it, and spend your time and efforts focused on self improvement and doing things you like. this gibes with my recent experience. i dated my first girlfriend from age 14 to age 20. when we started dating my freshman year of high school, i fell for her right away. i learned so many things from her, things most people my age and younger already knew, but…

I am going to be late for my class because of you, it was totally worth it though. If you ever need a novel to read, go read VALIS by Phillip K. Dick, your theory of schumann resonance reminded me of that novel.

Re: Finding Love Optimally

#34

Post by john_b »

ajays wrote: post #27

For me, the biggest challenge is meeting women who I might find interesting. I'm a techie, and, for some reason, I've always got along great with techie women (or women in sciences or math). Maybe it's because they understand me better; I don't know. Even though I live in San Francisco, it is hard to meet women who are attractive and with whom I can have a connection. IMO, OKCupid seems to be filled with the more "ar…

I think people pre-judge others too much. In older, much more traditional cultures, marriages managed to remain stable in cases where the bride and groom did not even meet until shortly before their wedding. That is a completely different topic though, but my point is that the set of people who you can live with happily and the set of people who you think you can live with happily probably do not overlap as much as we would like to think.

Expecting a connection at first is unreasonable too. Connections are built by shared experiences, not magical "love at first sight" moments. If you dismiss someone immediately, you'll never have a chance to share experiences.

I'm not saying that you should set the pass band on your filter to infinity, but the worst case scenario in talking to an artsy girl (or any other type of girl who you don't expect to forge a long term relationship with) is that you have a friendly conversation and learn a little.

At least, that's how it works for me. I've never dated a girl that was "my type". I have an idea of what I'd like in a girl, but for some reason I seem to meet (and enjoy being with) girls who don't fit that mold.

Re: Finding Love Optimally

#35

Post by HeyLaughingBoy »

klipt wrote: post #19
dev_jim wrote: post #8

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Try OKCupid or a similar dating website. It gives you the opportunity to meet new women at your convenience by initiating contact through a 3-line email. And if they respond you know they are interested. As far as skill set...just be yourself and talk about your interests and her interests. Having some sort of 'game' or whatever isn't going to work very well on educated women.

Unless your pictures are very attractive, I think you need some "game" just to get people on OkCupid to write back to you. For example I find my reply rate goes up a lot when I inject humor into my first message (whereas in real life I might save the jokes for when an opportunity arises naturally in the conversation).

That's life, isn't it? We all have to show ourselves in a good light if we want people to like us.

I'm married (met my wife online as a booty call/hookup), but the main lesson I remember from online dating was from the woman who commented, "...you don't sound at all desperate." I didn't understand, so after we met, she showed me a sample of messages she got from guys and I couldn't believe how absolutely awful they all came across. Other women since that verified the same thing: 99% of men they met online seemed like losers at first glance so they just hit and moved on.

Basically, sound like a friendly person with a sense of humor and you're way ahead of 90% of the rest of people looking for love & sex online.

Re: Finding Love Optimally

#36

Post by HeyLaughingBoy »

Swizec wrote: post #12
dev_jim wrote: post #7

I couldn't give you the math, but the optimal strategy is to always date two or three women at any given time. This allows you to always keep your favorite while giving an opportunity for new contenders to rise to the top. Now of course this strategy only works for about a year with any individual girl until exclusivity becomes an issue. This is similar to how most companies solve the secretary (or at least the softw…

The problem with dating that many women at a time is that it's a giant waste of time, effort and ultimately money. I don't know about you, but I don't have the funds to go on that many dates even if I am the kind of cheap who always splits the bill.

I dunno. I found dating fun. If it's a waste of time and effort, then why bother hanging out with women at all? As far as money, I certainly don't expect to pay for everything, all the time. Even the least "financially capable" of the women I dated insisted on paying when she could afford to, and often just cooked me dinner because she couldn't afford to go out.

Re: Finding Love Optimally

#37

Post by [deleted] »

kelnos wrote: post #17
dev_jim wrote: post #7

I couldn't give you the math, but the optimal strategy is to always date two or three women at any given time. This allows you to always keep your favorite while giving an opportunity for new contenders to rise to the top. Now of course this strategy only works for about a year with any individual girl until exclusivity becomes an issue. This is similar to how most companies solve the secretary (or at least the softw…

A year? Damn. I don't know any women who would date a guy for a year before expecting exclusivity. More like 3-4 months, max. Or maybe I'm just not interested in the types of women who would date someone for a year without expecting it to be going somewhere. (Not passing judgement, that just appears to be how I am.) Perhaps it's an age thing?

[deleted]

Re: Finding Love Optimally

#38

Post by dev_jim »

klipt wrote: post #19
dev_jim wrote: post #8

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Try OKCupid or a similar dating website. It gives you the opportunity to meet new women at your convenience by initiating contact through a 3-line email. And if they respond you know they are interested. As far as skill set...just be yourself and talk about your interests and her interests. Having some sort of 'game' or whatever isn't going to work very well on educated women.

Unless your pictures are very attractive, I think you need some "game" just to get people on OkCupid to write back to you. For example I find my reply rate goes up a lot when I inject humor into my first message (whereas in real life I might save the jokes for when an opportunity arises naturally in the conversation).

I live in NYC where I'm pretty sure I'm about as average looking as they get :) I usually just write a quick 2-3 liner about some shared interest or something I found interesting about her profile. Reply rate is about 33% (OKCupid has a ton of stats, is there a way to find out the actual rate?). Maybe that's game? I just see it as natural conversation.

Re: Finding Love Optimally

#39

Post by gwern »

Which raises the question - what's the optimal strategy in the double-sided version of the secretary problem? (I'm guessing that it probably involves stopping the 'search' even earlier.)

Re: Finding Love Optimally

#40

Post by klipt »

dev_jim wrote: post #38
klipt wrote: post #19

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Unless your pictures are very attractive, I think you need some "game" just to get people on OkCupid to write back to you. For example I find my reply rate goes up a lot when I inject humor into my first message (whereas in real life I might save the jokes for when an opportunity arises naturally in the conversation).

I live in NYC where I'm pretty sure I'm about as average looking as they get :) I usually just write a quick 2-3 liner about some shared interest or something I found interesting about her profile. Reply rate is about 33% (OKCupid has a ton of stats, is there a way to find out the actual rate?). Maybe that's game? I just see it as natural conversation.

Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't NYC have more women than men? I think I'm pretty average too but I'm pretty sure my non-humorous messages get a lower reply rate than that here in the Bay Area.

I would like to do more casual dating than I do at the moment, but there aren't that many OkCupid profiles I'm attracted to in the first place, and even fewer of them reply to my messages, so...

Post reply on HN