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Unlearning perfectionism

arunkprasad.com

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Re: Unlearning perfectionism

#31

Post by billti »

Great article. I saw myself a lot in it. I find myself on this orange site multiple times a day largely for some of the reasons outlined.

> She dwells in puddles for fear of the ocean

woah. Beautiful line. Great writing can really make the content more impactful. I find myself regularly absorbed in the minutia of a technology used in a project. I tell myself it's because I find the subject fascinating and knowing it deeply will make the solution (and me) better (which is partly true), but I often have that thought niggling in the back of my mind, "Am I spending too long on this detail because I'm avoiding tackling the bigger problem because I'm worried I might fail?". This punchy quote sums that up nicely.

Re: Unlearning perfectionism

#32

Post by jimkleiber »

voisin wrote: post #6

The most apt description I have come across of perfectionism is that it stems from some unresolved trauma that led to a fear of not being accepted and resulting lack of confidence.

Yea, I find when I seem to be the most plagued by it is when I want to control how other people are feeling (and also behaving as a result). I fear that if I publish a thing, people may feel confused or angry or sometimes worse: indifferent. But also that someone will feel so smitten and overjoyed that they come to me saying that I'm a god or a superhero/savior. I can sometimes deeply fear people feeling things that I don't want them to feel, and more so, responding in ways I don't want them to.

I think a lot of it comes down to uncertainty: I don't know what will happen and I want to know what will happen. I don't know if people will love me, hate me, or ignore me, and if so, how they'll do it, and so much of that uncertainty can drive me into trying to control as much as I can (or think I can).

For me, perfectionism seems to lie in that fear of the unknown and trying to mitigate as much (read: squash/eliminate) of the uncertainty instead of recognizing that we're human beings and so many things are outside of our control.

Re: Unlearning perfectionism

#33

Post by RobRivera »

etherio wrote: post #24
onion_knight wrote: post #4

Mental health issues too often remain untreated among high-achievers who are able to maintain a surface appearance of holding it together. It's a good trend that nowadays we feel able to talk more openly about struggles like this. I see myself in this article but for me, the word that was the key to find resources to get better was the broader acronym RNT, "Repetitive negative thoughts". Perfectionism themes are one…

I agree. I think there are several reasons high achievers' mental health issues go untreated: - like you say they maintain a healthy surface because part of their perfectionism is no one knowing about their anxiety / having a good image - if they do share, often their goals / expectations will be inflated compared to that of their peers such that for others it feels like they're bragging or being ridiculous, instead…

>what are you complaing for, you're doing great.

dismissive comments at a young age evolve to be tactful but still echo deafeningly from adolescence, in my exp.

Re: Unlearning perfectionism

#35

Post by wilkommen »

onion_knight wrote: post #4

Mental health issues too often remain untreated among high-achievers who are able to maintain a surface appearance of holding it together. It's a good trend that nowadays we feel able to talk more openly about struggles like this. I see myself in this article but for me, the word that was the key to find resources to get better was the broader acronym RNT, "Repetitive negative thoughts". Perfectionism themes are one…

I think mostly everyone’s mental health issues go untreated. High achievers and otherwise, maybe for different reasons in different cases. Even people whose mental health issues cause them obvious distress often don’t get treatment.

Re: Unlearning perfectionism

#36

Post by jack_pp »

svat wrote: post #9

Everyone's experience is different, so it is unsurprising that are parts of this article that resonate very strongly and other parts not at all — overall, very valuable to have read this. The philosopher John Perry has a humorous essay called "Procrastination and Perfectionism" that gets to the heart of the matter in a different way: > Many procrastinators do not realize that they are perfectionists, for the simple r…

That and the previous Structured Procrastination essay which I have read but forgotten about are great complementary essays to the posted article. Thank you for sharing them. I am in a deep hole due to these problems and serendipity has it that I came upon these resources at the best of times. Thank you again

Re: Unlearning perfectionism

#37

Post by soheil »

Arun is describing almost every flaw a human being can have and wrapping it all in what he calls perfectionism. A good way to see if the scenarios he paints qualify you can just ask the question, if I did those things differently would I then be less of a perfectionist? I'm not sure the answer is an emphatic yes.

Re: Unlearning perfectionism

#38

Post by zwkrt »

jancsika wrote: post #27
zwkrt wrote: post #21

Earlier quoted context omitted.

> It can be a self-indulgence in which one engages at the expense family or friends. It’s even worse if the perfectionism is applied to those around you directly. The thought process is something like “well I hold myself to a high (but maybe poorly defined and changing) standard, so why not hold those in my life to that same standard!?” Of course it is impossible for anyone to live up to your nebulous and nonverbal “…

> The thought process is something like “well I hold myself to a high (but maybe poorly defined and changing) standard, so why not hold those in my life to that same standard!?” Seems like a lot hinges on your parenthetical. If Bob has a well-defined and consistent standard that works for him, what's wrong with filtering Eve out of his life with it?

Oh no of course we should all be discerning. But TFA talks about pinning self-esteem to the outcomes of projects in the world. I was describing a situation i saw where an individual’s “projects” were their close relationships. People are not projects to be worked on.

Re: Unlearning perfectionism

#39

Post by moffkalast »

> So she feels threatened by moderate setbacks and finds any number of excuses to procrastinate: she's not in the mood, not in the right place, too busy, not inspired, too hungry, too full, too alert, too tired. So she retreats into the safe and familiar. She checks her email for the hundredth time.

Feeling personally attacked

Re: Unlearning perfectionism

#40

Post by moffkalast »

Shared404 wrote: post #13
wizzwizz4 wrote: post #10

Earlier quoted context omitted.

That's a bit suspicious. Sounds like something an imposter would say.

Did anyone see amelius doing the tasks? --- Jokes aside, I think we all are and aren't imposters, in different areas of life.

Dead body reported.
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