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When my wife developed Alzheimer’s, the story of our marriage kept us connected

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Re: When my wife developed Alzheimer’s, the story of our marriage kept us connected

#31

Post by nefitty »

srvmshr wrote: post #5

> It’s hard to accept the possibility that Judy may have completely forgotten about me, but a lifetime of living with disability has shown me how delicate human bodies and minds can be, how little it can take to dramatically, traumatically alter—or end—lives. Two rogue bones in my neck. Plaque on my beloved’s brain. Great love stories begin with such heady promise and end with such sadness and grief—but, at least in…

I love my wife a lot. She's like my shadow, evidence that the sun is in the sky.

If she got really sick I would stay with her and care for her. A huge chunk of that is because I'm attached to her, the little human pattern that the universe mumbles out. The other mind that looks at me and convinces me I actually exist.

I personally think it's irresponsible to set up these weird transcendental expectations. If anyone reading this has yet to fall in love or be in a long term relationship, it's all flowery and cute and lovey at first and then one day you fart for the first time in front of her. There's like, non-subjectively evident demands that you agree to impose on yourself when becoming a union. Physical. Social. Emotional.

I would not leave my wife if her mind was gone. Besides my irrational human attachment, I can't imagine putting my family, her family, our friends, through the experience of seeing her be abandoned by her life partner. Of having them experience evil unmask itself through the act of relegating her to a meat body, which we all are.

I don't know why I felt such a strong urge to express my cynicism. I don't believe in souls, I guess is part of it. I also don't like when people get hyped into expecting the universe from others. My wife loves me deeply, I feel it when she randomly puts her head on my shoulder or I catch her staring at me. She would also yell at me in embarrassment if I farted loudly next to her at the grocery store.

Re: When my wife developed Alzheimer’s, the story of our marriage kept us connected

#32

Post by microtherion »

coldpie wrote: post #8
elzbardico wrote: post #4

Earlier quoted context omitted.

I wonder why people downvoted you. Maybe they don't agree and it is fine, but why try to silence?

I didn't downvote, but I always find "this day and age" kind of sentiments extremely eye-rolly, like things were better in some mythic past.

Right. The comment implies that this kind of emotional commitment used to be the norm, which is very much a [citation needed] kind of claim.

A bit of family lore had it that when some distant ancestors of mine no longer could live independently in old age, one child took in the husband to live with them, and another child, quite distant from the first one, the wife. My mother, upon learning of that arrangement, exclaimed how hard it must have been for that couple to be separated in their final years, only to hear "Quite the opposite! They couldn't stand each other for the longest time."

Re: When my wife developed Alzheimer’s, the story of our marriage kept us connected

#33

Post by kgin »

smoyer wrote: post #11

For those of you who are younger and perhaps haven't experienced it, forget the movie version of true love. This story is a much better example - it's imperfect, illogical, sometimes downright gritty and yet it persists (with bouquets of flowers spread throughout).

It’s beautiful to read even as someone older who hasn’t experienced it. I’m terribly jealous.

Re: When my wife developed Alzheimer’s, the story of our marriage kept us connected

#34

Post by srvmshr »

nefitty wrote: post #31
srvmshr wrote: post #5

> It’s hard to accept the possibility that Judy may have completely forgotten about me, but a lifetime of living with disability has shown me how delicate human bodies and minds can be, how little it can take to dramatically, traumatically alter—or end—lives. Two rogue bones in my neck. Plaque on my beloved’s brain. Great love stories begin with such heady promise and end with such sadness and grief—but, at least in…

I love my wife a lot. She's like my shadow, evidence that the sun is in the sky. If she got really sick I would stay with her and care for her. A huge chunk of that is because I'm attached to her, the little human pattern that the universe mumbles out. The other mind that looks at me and convinces me I actually exist. I personally think it's irresponsible to set up these weird transcendental expectations. If anyone r…

Very well put. My remark about 'true love' was this exact cynicism. And like you, I mirror the exact same feelings for my wife. The Mills & Boone type of romances do not exist in real life. Deep love is crafted incrementally each day of being together, like an old oak tree sinking its roots ever deeper.

It is perhaps the gravitas and wordsmanship which makes the author's story remarkable. It exposed us to his thought process, and the minutaé of his feelings. As a thinking species, we perhaps appreciate this expressivity. These adversities are more common than depicted & many couples with disabilities do share meaningful time together.

Re: When my wife developed Alzheimer’s, the story of our marriage kept us connected

#35

Post by jborichevskiy »

pomian wrote: post #30
srvmshr wrote: post #5

> It’s hard to accept the possibility that Judy may have completely forgotten about me, but a lifetime of living with disability has shown me how delicate human bodies and minds can be, how little it can take to dramatically, traumatically alter—or end—lives. Two rogue bones in my neck. Plaque on my beloved’s brain. Great love stories begin with such heady promise and end with such sadness and grief—but, at least in…

I do not believe it is rare. I think that it is the same with bad news and tragedy, the news reports only those. Behind all the sad stories, the frustrated stories, and everything else that is loud, there is a quiet passion that supports the world. It quietly goes on, without disturbing the neighbors, or making headlines. It's not easy, it's not painful, but it perseveres. All around you. In the background.

Beautifully put :) the background radiation of love

Re: When my wife developed Alzheimer’s, the story of our marriage kept us connected

#36

Post by rxhernandez »

pomian wrote: post #30
srvmshr wrote: post #5

> It’s hard to accept the possibility that Judy may have completely forgotten about me, but a lifetime of living with disability has shown me how delicate human bodies and minds can be, how little it can take to dramatically, traumatically alter—or end—lives. Two rogue bones in my neck. Plaque on my beloved’s brain. Great love stories begin with such heady promise and end with such sadness and grief—but, at least in…

I do not believe it is rare. I think that it is the same with bad news and tragedy, the news reports only those. Behind all the sad stories, the frustrated stories, and everything else that is loud, there is a quiet passion that supports the world. It quietly goes on, without disturbing the neighbors, or making headlines. It's not easy, it's not painful, but it perseveres. All around you. In the background.

I think the divorce rate starkly points in a different direction.

Re: When my wife developed Alzheimer’s, the story of our marriage kept us connected

#37

Post by dijonman2 »

pomian wrote: post #30
srvmshr wrote: post #5

> It’s hard to accept the possibility that Judy may have completely forgotten about me, but a lifetime of living with disability has shown me how delicate human bodies and minds can be, how little it can take to dramatically, traumatically alter—or end—lives. Two rogue bones in my neck. Plaque on my beloved’s brain. Great love stories begin with such heady promise and end with such sadness and grief—but, at least in…

I do not believe it is rare. I think that it is the same with bad news and tragedy, the news reports only those. Behind all the sad stories, the frustrated stories, and everything else that is loud, there is a quiet passion that supports the world. It quietly goes on, without disturbing the neighbors, or making headlines. It's not easy, it's not painful, but it perseveres. All around you. In the background.

I have heard about a man who remained unmarried his whole life, and when he was dying, ninety years old, somebody asked him, “You have remained unmarried your whole life, but you have never said what the reason was. Now you are dying, at least quench our curiosity. If there is any secret, now you can tell it, because you are dying; you will be gone. Even if the secret is known, it can’t harm you.” The man said, “Yes, there is a secret. It is not that I am against marriage, but I was searching for a perfect woman. I searched and searched, and my whole life slipped by.” The inquirer asked, “But upon this big earth, so many millions of people, half of them women, couldn’t you find one perfect woman?” A tear rolled down from the eye of the dying man. He said, “Yes, I did find one.” The inquirer was absolutely shocked. He said, “Then what happened? Why didn’t you get married?” And the old man said, “But the woman was searching for a perfect husband.”

Osho – The Dhammapada: The Way of the Buddha

Re: When my wife developed Alzheimer’s, the story of our marriage kept us connected

#38

Post by frenchy »

mpmpmpmp wrote: post #6
elzbardico wrote: post #4

Earlier quoted context omitted.

I wonder why people downvoted you. Maybe they don't agree and it is fine, but why try to silence?

The word luxury in this context usually implies some kind of privilege. Which is a strange thing to say.

To be fair, it is a bit of a privilege. Like most things, it requires a lot of work too, but people learn humility and kindness from each other. Those who grow up with loving parents are a lot more likely to become loving parents.

Re: When my wife developed Alzheimer’s, the story of our marriage kept us connected

#39

Post by NineStarPoint »

rxhernandez wrote: post #36
pomian wrote: post #30

Earlier quoted context omitted.

I do not believe it is rare. I think that it is the same with bad news and tragedy, the news reports only those. Behind all the sad stories, the frustrated stories, and everything else that is loud, there is a quiet passion that supports the world. It quietly goes on, without disturbing the neighbors, or making headlines. It's not easy, it's not painful, but it perseveres. All around you. In the background.

I think the divorce rate starkly points in a different direction.

There is no doubt that bad marriages are common. That doesn't mean that true love is rare though. The question of how many of the marriages that do stay together are good marriages is somewhat separate.
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