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Rejection Sensitivity

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Re: Rejection Sensitivity

#31

Post by virgil_disgr4ce »

hirundo wrote: post #26

How much violence in society is a reaction to cumulative rejection? I'd guess a good deal if not most of it. Our ancient lobster-shared neural mechanisms take it deadly seriously whether we do consciously or not. From the long perspective of our selfish genes, rejection is a mortal threat. I appreciate the sympathetic treatment of incels in this article, which seems like an exception to the norm. I think most of us c…

> I think that's why incels attract such hate.

I'm pretty sure it's because they are largely unbe-LIEV-ably misogynistic and hateful towards women.

Re: Rejection Sensitivity

#32

Post by theshadowknows »

I don’t have this issue with social media because I don’t really participate all that much. Occasionally one of you guys gets on my case but hey HN are a rowdy sort so I take my punches :)

In terms of job interviews I can see where it would get hard for people. The best advice I ever got for that is to expect one call back for every hundred applications, one interview for every hundred call backs, and maybe one offer for every hundred interviews. If you expect that sort of ratio then it stops feeling personal and just feels like a numbers game.

Re: Rejection Sensitivity

#33

Post by least »

hirundo wrote: post #26

How much violence in society is a reaction to cumulative rejection? I'd guess a good deal if not most of it. Our ancient lobster-shared neural mechanisms take it deadly seriously whether we do consciously or not. From the long perspective of our selfish genes, rejection is a mortal threat. I appreciate the sympathetic treatment of incels in this article, which seems like an exception to the norm. I think most of us c…

I think incels attract hate because many of them online become so twisted from their pain that they end up externalizing a lot of the factors that makes them involuntarily celibate, rather than accepting any personal responsibility. Discussions between incels in those communities amplify all the negative things they may be feeling and validates their opinions regardless of how absurd or offensive it may seem from an outside observer.

While placing the blame on external factors can be helpful psychologically for the person suffering, it also signals to others that they are not taking any responsibility for their failure to meet their goal of well, having sex.

Everyone needs compassion and arguably the worst of us need that compassion the most, but for a lot of people, that's really, really hard.

Re: Rejection Sensitivity

#34

Post by krishvs »

runawaybottle wrote: post #20

It’s possible countries with mega populations don’t have this problem. I wonder if people in India or China have any disillusion that they are one out of a billion in their country, and are nothing special. It’s possible they value whatever the hell life gives them (whatever friends they have, whatever family, whatever job, etc). The west is taught that we are unique. Really? Let me connect everyone to the internet a…

I am from India but have lived in the Middle East ( over a decade) and the US( few years ).

I see very little difference among the middle and upper middle class people of these countries nowadays. With globally connected social media everyone thinks they are unique ( maybe rightfully so ). Just because you are born in India or China you are not going to be thankful for whatever life has given to you.

Western values( or is it global ) as far as uniqueness seems to be the dominant thought process atleast in the metros.

I see the problem described in the article among my friends here. Everyone is depressed, anxious or having an existential crisis.

Re: Rejection Sensitivity

#35

Post by hirundo »

andi999 wrote: post #29
hirundo wrote: post #26

How much violence in society is a reaction to cumulative rejection? I'd guess a good deal if not most of it. Our ancient lobster-shared neural mechanisms take it deadly seriously whether we do consciously or not. From the long perspective of our selfish genes, rejection is a mortal threat. I appreciate the sympathetic treatment of incels in this article, which seems like an exception to the norm. I think most of us c…

Do you know any peer reviewed scientific paper which confirms the lobster shared neural mechanism? Was looking for evidence for this claim a while back, couldn't find it.

E.g https://www.jneurosci.org/content/17/2/697

Homo sapiens have a similar response to seratonin manipulation. I wouldn't call this confirmation, and I'm not sure what I would accept. But I do think it's a compelling association.

Re: Rejection Sensitivity

#36

Post by School-Cotton »

virgil_disgr4ce wrote: post #31
hirundo wrote: post #26

How much violence in society is a reaction to cumulative rejection? I'd guess a good deal if not most of it. Our ancient lobster-shared neural mechanisms take it deadly seriously whether we do consciously or not. From the long perspective of our selfish genes, rejection is a mortal threat. I appreciate the sympathetic treatment of incels in this article, which seems like an exception to the norm. I think most of us c…

> I think that's why incels attract such hate. I'm pretty sure it's because they are largely unbe-LIEV-ably misogynistic and hateful towards women.

I don’t think so, because there are plenty of socially normal people who are misogynistic towards women too, and they don’t engender the same level of visceral disgust.

Re: Rejection Sensitivity

#37

Post by Ensorceled »

When I was in high school and university decades ago, before social media and even stable phone numbers, friends used to come and go all the time; co-workers at summer and co-op jobs, classmates, roommates, ...

You'd have beers and a few good times and then the next term/year would happen and you might never see them again. It didn't feel like rejection because there really wasn't a practical way to stay in touch. You only felt rejected by romantic partners and old friends who decided to move on.

Now, we "connect" to everyone; we follow each other on Facebook/Twitter/Signal/WeChat and we have each others emails.

I'm trying to imagine the roommates I had one summer, who I had almost nothing in common with but who shared their stash with me because I would bring good steaks and fresh vegetables from home, reaching out to me a year later and saying "hey man, why did you ghost us?". What would you even say to that?

So, now, when these temporary friendships are over ... we have this lingering connection that doesn't just go away at the end of term. Someone has to take the extra step of closure.

I get that this feels like rejection but that feeling is a new thing.

Summer loves and friendships were meant to end with a sobbing farewell at the end of August, not with a unfollow and block in November.

Re: Rejection Sensitivity

#38

Post by bitexploder »

yoz-y wrote: post #17
ilovefood wrote: post #3

Frankly as much as I read it (twice now) I find nothing good or bad to say, I don't seem to get the point and maybe someone can enlighten me? Is this a piece about how people became fragile at the face of delayed gratification or when something doesn't go their usual way (it seems a twitter unfollow initiated this whole thing)? So many questions. I understand that for some, that represents a drama which surely begs t…

The article didn’t resonate with me at all either, but I think it’s mainly because I don’t fit into the collective “we” the author talks about. > We apply to hundreds of jobs. We swipe on hundreds if not thousands of people on dating apps. Many of us are like me, and perpetually have an infinite loop of notifications on an infinite loop of communication apps. Naturally if you go head first into potentially thousands…

Have these people forgotten how to live in the world without these apps? I understand how some folks get there with technology, but put the apps and screens down and go live in the real world. This concept that people are somehow captive to these apps blows my mind a little. I am generation X though, I grew up being kicked out of the house during the day and was forced to run around and play outside when not in school when I was younger.

Re: Rejection Sensitivity

#39

Post by rubin55 »

least wrote: post #19

We have more opportunities to interact with more people from all walks of life from all over the world in a way that is unprecedented. Marginalized groups have found ways to connect to people like them (which would have been impossible in the past). They've found validation about their identity and made real friends. There's so many positive aspects about the society and world we live in today. But because there's so…

It sounds like you’re in a bind. Truly hope everything is ok-ish in any case. I’m rubin55 on Libera.chat, rann on OFTC. If you ever feel like having a chat, send me a dm. You can also send me a message on me@rubin55.org. Don’t know if I can make a difference, but your message rings true with me.. life and relationships with peeps really got strange in the last decade(s) or so, and all this COVID business didn’t help much either! In any case, hang in there and try not to get too much down about the apparent bleakness of it all; sometimes a few days/some time makes all the difference in how a particular moment feels.

Re: Rejection Sensitivity

#40

Post by ipsi »

theshadowknows wrote: post #32

I don’t have this issue with social media because I don’t really participate all that much. Occasionally one of you guys gets on my case but hey HN are a rowdy sort so I take my punches :) In terms of job interviews I can see where it would get hard for people. The best advice I ever got for that is to expect one call back for every hundred applications, one interview for every hundred call backs, and maybe one offer…

Are... you sure about those numbers? That would be one interview per ten thousand applications, and one offer per million applications. I know you have to submit a lot of job applications, but, uh, that seems excessive!
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