Anger Management • Hacker News Board

Re: Anger Management

#31

Post by andrei_says_ » Sat, Jan 30, 2021, 1:39 AM UTC

trestenhortz wrote: post #27

I used to get angry all the time. Really angry. One day my counselor said to me “listen, here’s what I want you to do. When you’re starting to feel angry, just ask yourself ‘does this really matter?’. If it matters, go ahead get angry. If it doesn’t matter then why bother getting angry?” I rarely get angry now because almost nothing actually matters enough to get angry, once you start to ask yourself the question.

I read this and think you rarely get angry because you replaced the habitual pattern of getting angry with the habit of asking a question instead.

Choice where there wasn’t any.

Great counselor ;)

Re: Anger Management

#32

Post by BurningFrog » Sat, Jan 30, 2021, 1:44 AM UTC

glitchc wrote: post #5

> A few weeks ago, I was mailing my friend a gift for his upcoming birthday when I recalled that he got me nothing for my birthday. I experienced a flash of anger, and was tempted to trash the package instead of mailing it. This speaks more to the author’s selfishness (more accurately childishness) rather than anger. The need to be completely reciprocated in every gesture is selfish and speaks to a zero-sum mindset.…

One thing to keep in mind is that we are all biased.

If you ask people to divide something fairly between themselves and someone else, they'll probably do it 60/40 in their own favor, while being convinced it was a fair split.

So it can make sense to apply an "I'm maybe being a jerk" discount in many situations. Or think that they probably can't see their own bias.

Re: Anger Management

#33

Post by xupybd » Sat, Jan 30, 2021, 2:33 AM UTC

NortySpock wrote: post #19

patcon wrote: post #17

Earlier quoted context omitted.

I'm thinking deeply on your comment, and appreciate it. Aren't these just degrees of the same? I'm not sure the value of cultivating positive view of the small manifestation, but then scolding it when it becomes big. Imho, yes it's understandable, but not a perspective we should value as part of our growth -- we should just work to will it out of our minds, and maybe someday succeed? Yours seems like a perspective th…

Not your parent poster, but I view the initial emotional reaction to an event as "an emotion that is to be observed, cannot be prevented, but must only reach the surface if the situation calls for it." Say you are talking in a small group of people. You perceive something that someone says to you as an implied insult. You _will_ feel a flash of anger, you should observe that you are angry as it bubbles up through you…

I've noticed that while I can't control my emotional reactions, only what I do with them. The emotional reactions I allow to surface more often become more frequent and dominant. If I fight my angry impulses they happen less frequently.

I find the same with any impulse. I struggle to eat healthy, spend healthy and stay focused 100% of the time. But the more I do these things the less effort they require.

Re: Anger Management

#34

Post by watwut » Sat, Jan 30, 2021, 8:50 AM UTC

patcon wrote: post #17

coyotespike wrote: post #8

Earlier quoted context omitted.

I disagree. There's nothing childish about "a flash of anger" - most people have many small impulses and feelings. I'd bet many people might make a small joke about the situation - but the joke depends on precisely that small unhappiness, even if they won't admit it (or can't, because they're not aware of it). "A flash of anger" (in the author's words) is very different from "fly[ing] off the handle" (in your words).…

I'm thinking deeply on your comment, and appreciate it. Aren't these just degrees of the same? I'm not sure the value of cultivating positive view of the small manifestation, but then scolding it when it becomes big. Imho, yes it's understandable, but not a perspective we should value as part of our growth -- we should just work to will it out of our minds, and maybe someday succeed? Yours seems like a perspective th…

Impact on other people is different. It is not just abpit what you feel, but also what you do.

> Aren't these just degrees of the same?

The big immediate difference is how you treat other people. If you get angry internal emotion and then think about it, you end up treating other people well. And that emotion just helped to not be complete pushover - you noticed issue and can be assertive of needed.

Fly off handle implies that other people have to deal with your emotions, because you are throwing them at them. Basically they are more "victims". It also does not work as well as healthy assertivity, because they will seek retaliation or conclude you are asshole or avoid you etc. They will respond to you acting aggressively by protecting themselves and reacting to their feelings.

Re: Anger Management

#35

Post by kgin » Sat, Jan 30, 2021, 2:21 PM UTC

midnightmonster wrote: post #28

In this article: * People are angry about different things. Maybe different kinds of things, but a taxonomy isn't important to the exploration. * Telling people they SHOULD NOT be angry and should calm down is common. * Telling people they SHOULD be angry (about some injustice) is also common. * These are both kinds of the titular "anger management". * Anger seems to involve moral insight: e.g., one is (at least some…

Thank you, I had a hard time parsing the article itself. This really helped.