Healthy Self-Doubt

Many of my friends are like this, especially the ones I lived with: they come to you and ask how much money they owe you thinking that you’ve got this magical ability to count money while it just doesn’t fit in their head that I actually did spend my (considerable amount of) time on doing the maths (including learning how to do the maths).

My parents from Lithuania know exactly how to go around relevant tax law in the country (and everyone they know also know how to do that). They know that because they earn so little that it actually makes a huge difference. And to make it clear I come from a background where having any sorts of education is rare so it’s not like they are privileged enough to know it.

There are so many meme-ish ideas that circulate that seem embraced precisely because they tacitly claim to remove the challenges of life and learning and becoming competent.

Worried you're not competent enough? Oh, that's just "Imposter Syndrome", don't worry about it, we all have it, you don't need to do anything to address it.

Of course there are feelings of insecurity that go too far and it's helpful to have a compassion for ourselves.

But I think more important is to not couple our self-worth to our competence. The tacit and wrong assumption behind "Imposter Syndrome" (and many aspects of our culture) is the idea that our self-worth and competence are connected.

It's okay to be incompetent at something; life is too short to master everything. But if you do make a conscious decision to grow your competence, then you should respect that it is going to be effort, you should even get excited about that effort, and yes, self-doubt, is essential in following through on that effort.

What I recommend is to focus on the big expenses, those are what gets you. That is, housing, transportation, medical (if you live in the US, but there's maybe not much you can do here). Don't go for the most expensive house or apartment that you can afford. If every house is expensive in your area, then settle for an apartment. If you're not willing to, then that's the root of the problem. Go car free if you can. If you can't, get a cheap reliable used car (mine was $4k, worked like a charm). Don't eat and drink out very often. Cut expenses until you're saving 30-50% of your paycheck. If you're in tech, that's very easy, otherwise it's difficult but still doable. Then, if you start earning more money, you can perhaps allow yourself to spend more.

The problem is the expectations that people have of life. Your parents have a big house so you deserve one as well. You're having a baby, so you need a 3 bedroom house and a yard, otherwise that's baby torture! All your friends are buying new cars so naturally you need one too, right?

If you're earning below median income, I'm willing to cut you some slack, but I think for most people on HN, that is not the case.

There's a ton of stuff I don't know, and that's fine. I'm not afraid to ask "stupid" questions, and let folks know that I don't know something. Sometimes, I have no interest in knowing it, so I don't ask questions about it, and don't pretend that I know anything about it.

But there's also a lot of stuff I do know. At one time, I didn't know it, and asked a question. Now I know it.

The only annoying thing about my approach, is that when I state confidence in what I do know, it's perceived as "arrogance," and when I state what I don't know, I'm labeled as "stupid," or "lazy" (I'm none of the above).

I've learned to ignore this type of thing, and go ahead and ask my silly questions. Over the years, I have become better at asking questions. That's an art, in its own right.

Sometimes, the best way to get a correct answer, is to state something wrong. People will fall all over themselves to correct me. It can be grating, because they are sometimes rather nasty about it, but they also tend to do their homework, to make sure they are right, and I can rely on their response.

I've also found that the world will continue to rotate whether or not I provide my opinion/experience/knowledge at every opportunity that pops up.

I'd like people to respect me, but I won't go off into the desert to die, because someone on the Internet doesn't like me.