Being nice to others is not problem if you do not need anything from them. But if you want to force someone to do what he doesn't want to do, that is a problem. And being empathic doesn't always help.
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Re: Interested in improving your relationships? Try Nonviolent Communication
#32Just looking at the examples, these are "Sleazy salesman tips about how to get a person to say 'yes'". Anybody who uses this kind of language needs to be shut down, and bluntly.
They certainly struck me as strategies to coerce compliance, as might be used by annoying sales people, con artists, cult evangelists, political/charity representatives, pick-up artists, etc..
Worse, when there's any power differential (e.g your boss saying any of this stuff to you) then it sounds very unpleasant and dishonest.
Re: Interested in improving your relationships? Try Nonviolent Communication
#33Earlier quoted context omitted.
That's not passive aggressive. That's a direct ask, to your face, just worded softly.
It's not a "direct ask". The "would you be willing to" hides the direct question behind weasel words and adds confusion. The additional phrase equivocates the person's initial point; now it is ambigious if the person asking about the food cares at all about the food itself, or is just curious about if the person would be willing . The person could say "Yes" and then nothing will change, because this is not a "direct…
Adding "would you be willing" does serve a purpose, it makes it easier for the other person to say "yes" since they don't yet have to commit. This is very important in any negotiation.
For example, the other person could respond with "Yes, I would if you clean the kitchen after making food".
Re: Interested in improving your relationships? Try Nonviolent Communication
#34the requests all sound very passive aggressive to me. eg, “ would you be willing to only eat the food that you buy?”
They're certainly manipulative. The weasel-worded "requests" demand compliance by placing the victim in a bind: either comply, or look like a terrible friend/spouse/employee/etc..
The “victim” in this example is actually the perpetrator: they consumed someone else’s food without permission.
Re: Interested in improving your relationships? Try Nonviolent Communication
#35Huh, my fiancée and I developed a system years ago that approximates this approach by replacing statements with what we call “food codes”.
For example: “Applesauce” is equivalent to “I can’t hear you”, or “speak up” or “stop mumbling”.
“Applesauce Factory” means “I can’t hear you because you are too far away or something noisy is making it hard to hear you” - very convenient verbal shorthand for when it’s too noisy to say all of that at once.
“Soufflé” - “I need to introvert for a while” (similar to how a soufflé needs delicacy and time to settle)
“Crockpot” - “I need to focus on work and I cannot be interrupted for anything less than an emergency” (similar to how a crockpot won’t work if you keep opening the lid over and over)
We settled on using foods because they are inherently neutral (we don’t pick foods we dislike to code for obvious reasons), and sometimes correspond to their meaning (like crockpot).
Another way to look at it is that we define functions with food codes that handle the messy, “violent” (to use TFA’s language) communication so that we understand what we are trying to convey, but at execution time we only call the function itself, not the code inside, so the language that could otherwise inadvertently hurt feelings is unspoken, even though it is still clearly expressed, but in a manner that doesn’t invoke negative reactions.
The biggest advantage of this system is that we can say things directly without accidentally hurting feelings or dancing around the topic to avoid accidentally hurting feelings. Feel free to utilize this in your own relationships. I’d never heard of anything like this before starting it and it has worked wonders for us.
Re: Interested in improving your relationships? Try Nonviolent Communication
#36Earlier quoted context omitted.
It's not a "direct ask". The "would you be willing to" hides the direct question behind weasel words and adds confusion. The additional phrase equivocates the person's initial point; now it is ambigious if the person asking about the food cares at all about the food itself, or is just curious about if the person would be willing . The person could say "Yes" and then nothing will change, because this is not a "direct…
Adding "would you be willing" does serve a purpose, it makes it easier for the other person to say "yes" since they don't yet have to commit. This is very important in any negotiation. For example, the other person could respond with "Yes, I would if you clean the kitchen after making food".
I agree it serves a purpose; I believe it serves a purpose by adding a layer of indirection in there, making the conversation flow easier.
I think it's passive aggressive, yes, but I also understand why it is done. It's not done to make it a "direct ask" though, as this process specifically makes the requests less direct as part of the strategy.
The less-direct wording is both able to be seen as passive aggressive (as evidenced by other comments here) as well as a helpful hint to more smoothly continue a conversation.
Re: Interested in improving your relationships? Try Nonviolent Communication
#37I think non-violent communication is great when you actually have to ask someone to change something about the way they operate in the world. If you want to improve your relationships though, make rule zero "minimize the extent to which you require other people in the world to change."
I've found that some of my most worthwhile relationships have been with people that pushed me out of the comfort zone. I'd say make sure that if you do push people to change, it is for their benefit rather than yours.
Sure, but the kinds of requests NVC codifies are ones where "you hurt my feelings via action X".
Re: Interested in improving your relationships? Try Nonviolent Communication
#38I learned this at a company retreat at some point. We all kind of rolled our eyes and went along with the exercise. I now use it to great effect almost daily in both personal and professional relationships. It takes a little care and thought to apply it well. I've found when done effectively, it can unlock difficult conversations and turn even the most hostile interactions into productive conversations. You are demon…
> We all kind of rolled our eyes and went along with the exercise. I now use it to great effect almost daily in both personal and professional relationships. Reactions like that tell me once again that a lot of people really underestimate simple stuff like this. I hope that in the future simple and useful psychology topics will find their way into our schools so that the acceptance and understanding for the usefulnes…
Reactions like this tell me people despise corporate indoctrination.
Re: Interested in improving your relationships? Try Nonviolent Communication
#39Kevin Hale, at startupschool 2019, spoke in length on How to Work Together [0]. Key points aside from non-violent communication were, everyone fights, but when you fight, stay away from these four horsemen [1]: 1. Criticism : Involves bringing in variety or unrelated issues to the discussion / argument. Focus on the one thing that needs resolution. 2. Contempt : Argumentum ad hominem. Intention to insult, making thin…
I’m feeling annoyed, because it’s important to me that ideas get credited to the person who developed them. :)
But seriously, the “Four Horsemen” concept comes from marital therapist John Gottman. Highly recommend his book “The 7 Principles for Making Marriage Work”
Re: Interested in improving your relationships? Try Nonviolent Communication
#40I learned this at a company retreat at some point. We all kind of rolled our eyes and went along with the exercise. I now use it to great effect almost daily in both personal and professional relationships. It takes a little care and thought to apply it well. I've found when done effectively, it can unlock difficult conversations and turn even the most hostile interactions into productive conversations. You are demon…
> We all kind of rolled our eyes and went along with the exercise. I now use it to great effect almost daily in both personal and professional relationships. Reactions like that tell me once again that a lot of people really underestimate simple stuff like this. I hope that in the future simple and useful psychology topics will find their way into our schools so that the acceptance and understanding for the usefulnes…
This would require a large body of educators both equipped and empowered to educate, coupled with parents invested in the success of their children.
My experience in at least the California educational system -- where both of my parents were teachers, with Mom also serving on the school board for some time -- gives me little hope that this will ever be the case.