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How can an introvert Asian engineer like me make friends?

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Re: How can an introvert Asian engineer like me make friends?

#291

Post by eshvk »

Kurtz79 wrote: post #250
eshvk wrote: post #218

Earlier quoted context omitted.

> If you're a true introvert, your biggest enemy is yourself. It's your desire to be alone. It's your preference for living by yourself, for quiet moments away from others, for nights spent at home, watching Netflix or playing games. Making friends means making an effort to hang out with them, even when it doesn't seem like the most immediately pleasurable, comfortable, or convenient thing to do at any given moment.…

"I have learned the art of being incredibly outgoing and a veritable chatterbox when need be." How did you learn ?

There is no easy answer to this; it all depends on playing the cards that you have got and trying to mitigate the things that make you not outgoing.

A lot of things make for being outgoing. In my case, I realized very early on that people hate making plans and organizing shit. I on the other hand, can suck it up and do it. This plays in my favor in that I get to meet a lot of people (friends bring friends) within my comfort zone. Also, host parties.

On the talking thing, for me, I used to overthink conversations. I still do on occasion. However, one thing that helped a lot was improv. When you realize the power of random statements that build on top of each other and create something amazing, you chill the fuck out and realize that the first thing you say doesn't matter that much. And also build a tough skin; because for every person who was OK with you as a quiet mouse, there will be someone else who absolutely detests you now that you have an opinion. Fuck em. Your job in life is to figure out the amazing beautiful people who you can have an amazing connection with.

Re: How can an introvert Asian engineer like me make friends?

#292

Post by gdas »

Normally, the root of this type of problem, is in the judgemental thinking.

I know how this is because I also judge a lot. I judge to the point of creating stories in my head that, in the end, I think I should not act, because of this, this, and that...

The solution to this issue is to lower your judgemental thinking. Relax. Don't worry about your english, don't worry about what people might think if you say what's in your mind, and stop creating stories in your head. Just be yourself.

If you're awkward, that's nice. If you have accent, that's nice too. If you don't have anything to say, don't say anything. You know... these days people urge to find good listeners. Everybody just want to talk, talk, talk, but few really want to listen. Listen to what people around you are saying and I'm sure you'll find good friends.

Re: How can an introvert Asian engineer like me make friends?

#293

Post by sliverstorm »

alandarev wrote: post #193
typon wrote: post #77

Earlier quoted context omitted.

From my experience, indebting other people to you works really well too. However, you must not expect anything in return when doing the favour, and act gracious even if they don't return it.

If you want to lose a friend, lend him/her. (Russian proverb) To highlight your message, I as well suggest anyone lending to prepare for the worst case scenario - never see it back. If you start persuading person owing you, he/she might pay back but you will never be friends. On other hand, why indebt people? What happened to genuine helping others?

I don't think they are talking about holding it over their head. You can render people favors & establish that kind of relationship, without browbeating them about it.

Re: How can an introvert Asian engineer like me make friends?

#295

Post by fyrabanks »

muhuk wrote: post #88
jiraaya wrote: post #19

Get used to loneliness. I figured it the hard way, the more you try to get out the numbing pain of loneliness by trying to make friends, the more people do not want to make friends with you. Do your stuff, take music classes, listen to good music, become awesome at the thing you're already good at through practice and more importantly stop trying hard to make friends. Then you have a greater probability that you'll m…

A sensible suggestion among many canned responses. I would say "get used to being alone", though. If you are OK with being alone, you don't feel lonely very often.

Reminds me of a Bukowski poem:

  there are worse things than
  being alone
  but it often takes decades
  to realize this
  and most often
  when you do
  it's too late
  and there's nothing worse
  than
  too late.

Re: How can an introvert Asian engineer like me make friends?

#296

Post by m4rcadam »

Speaking from personal experience: Do things you are interested in, and find hobbies. Do things because you genuinely like to do them, and don't think about ways to find friends, friends will come naturally. As to your english speaking you WILL get used to it eventually, just make sure you practice when you're around people, and even when you're not, i found it helpful to express myself out loud more often even if i'm not around people, makes me look mental most of the time but it works, and you'd feel so much better about yourself when you're talking in public. Also, you're multilingual, most people aren't, you shouldn't feel bad if you're still picking up a new language, it's supposed to be hard, people understand that.

Re: How can an introvert Asian engineer like me make friends?

#297

Post by ucacian »

beat wrote: post #273
moron4hire wrote: post #219

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Instead of reading anything , I would recommend doing . There are enough people in most places to stand making a few mistakes in trying to make friends. As a general rule of thumb, make decisions that go towards extending conversation, rather than shutting it down. Whatever is going on, do the thing that leads to the most action, even if it's not in your control, or anyone's control. Embrace chaos.

Speaking as an extrovert who is very comfortable talking to just about anyone about anything, I recommend reading classic books on good conversation as well (starting with How to Win Friends and Influence People ). Even naturally talented communicators can benefit from studying time-proven analysis of why and how our communication techniques work. For people with Aspberger's or other non-neurotypical issues (and I su…

This is a very good advise. Thank you. I agree that lots of practice without theory does not get you very far. I know this because I made exactly the same mistake. I used to want to be a musician. I have copied countless of pieces and done many improvised jam session. And yet, I still had no idea how complex music actually works. In retrospect, although I studied basic music theory, it was not enough to crack the secrets of music.

Now I am a senior CS student and doing pretty well. I respect science in general.

BTW I am an Asian introvert. I really feel the author. I am going to go read the rest of the comments.

Re: How can an introvert Asian engineer like me make friends?

#298

Post by huangc10 »

crimsonalucard wrote: post #289
johnsonstalke wrote: post #248

what does being Asian have anything to do with this?

It doesn't specifically. But asian males are in general shyer and less attractive.

ouch. As an asian male, I'm ok with the first part. the second part hurts at the heart. but don't forget asian males are also short!

Re: How can an introvert Asian engineer like me make friends?

#299

Post by Xcelerate »

eshvk wrote: post #291
Kurtz79 wrote: post #250

Earlier quoted context omitted.

"I have learned the art of being incredibly outgoing and a veritable chatterbox when need be." How did you learn ?

There is no easy answer to this; it all depends on playing the cards that you have got and trying to mitigate the things that make you not outgoing. A lot of things make for being outgoing. In my case, I realized very early on that people hate making plans and organizing shit. I on the other hand, can suck it up and do it. This plays in my favor in that I get to meet a lot of people (friends bring friends) within my…

> A lot of things make for being outgoing. In my case, I realized very early on that people hate making plans and organizing shit. I on the other hand, can suck it up and do it. This plays in my favor in that I get to meet a lot of people (friends bring friends) within my comfort zone. Also, host parties.

I am about as introverted as they come. However, with practice, I normally find I can become pretty good at things, so I've been working the last two years on being more outgoing and social.

My problem is that people flake all the time nowadays. I don't mind planning events and inviting people, but they all flake at the last second and it's really quite annoying. At first, I thought maybe it was me, but then I realized everyone does it to everyone else. I don't dread social the interactions; I dread the inevitable flaking that everyone's going to do at the last second.

So... my strategy recently is just ditching friends that flake and finding new ones. I'm not sure if this is the best idea though because I'm going through a lot of them quickly.

Re: How can an introvert Asian engineer like me make friends?

#300

Post by Jtsummers »

crimsonalucard wrote: post #284
icebraining wrote: post #111

Earlier quoted context omitted.

I need a brand new friend who doesn't bother me I need a brand new friend who doesn't trouble me I need someone, yeah, who doesn't need me

I don't think that's the crutch of his problem though...

  the crutch of his problem
      ^^^^^^-- crux
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