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My stages of learning to be a socially normal person

sashachapin.substack.com

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Re: My stages of learning to be a socially normal person

#291

Post by whstl »

gblargg wrote: post #239
etangent wrote: post #72

Earlier quoted context omitted.

> a lot of the points felt more like learning how to charm, manipulate, and game social interactions. A lot of stuff "normal" people do is charm, manipulate, and game social interactions. Except because they are not conscious about it, we give them a pass. One of the characteristics of autistic-spectrum individuals is that they must make a conscious effort to achieve goals that are achieved unconsciously by most of u…

What comes across as creepy about the techniques is that the approach doesn't seem to involve personal consequences; it seems to be sterile, like a game with no negative effects if it goes wrong. Normal people have all sorts of anxiety and potential hurt if they do these things, since they know how they affect others. Personally I'd prefer that "spectrum" individuals just be themselves. I take it as my own shortcomin…

This is very strange to me.

As a neurotypical person (I don't think the term "normal" is appropriate) I'm probably doing or did the same things the article is talking about. And I never thought about negative consequences, except when I was extremely anxious.

If anything, people on the spectrum, introvert, or just awkward are probably thinking about the consequences (positive or negative) way more than someone like me.

I also agree with the sibling post. The failure of most (?) neurotypical people to accept people on the spectrum as-is shouldn't be a burden on them. If society can't make them safe, they should do whatever is best for them. "Authenticity" (which is just an illusion anyway) be damned.

Re: My stages of learning to be a socially normal person

#292

Post by curiouscube »

moffkalast wrote: post #282
acuozzo wrote: post #96

Earlier quoted context omitted.

> I have zero idea how to make small talk with people I haven't known for years. Forget small talk. Listen-- really listen --and engage with open ears. When it's your turn to talk, offer up an anecdote in reply if it's on topic or take the opportunity to pivot to a related topic you're passionate about. If you do the latter: do. not. info-dump. Give them a chance to play the game I just described to you from their si…

That seems like the most pointless conversation ever though, neither side really got anything out of it. If you can't infodump or listen to someone else infodump, is it really anything but meaningless pleasantries?

You perceive it that way because you aren't into snowboarding, tubing or experienced the blizzard of '96.

Re: My stages of learning to be a socially normal person

#293

Post by qrobit »

moffkalast wrote: post #290
writebetterc wrote: post #284

Earlier quoted context omitted.

The goal isn't to exchange facts, it's to bond.

Well I doubt I'm going to bond by being subjected to painful boredom, and neither will they. I've found it's so socially common to completely forget all of these things people tell you in small talk too, because I'd remember every one of these facts about the other person due to low frequency interactions, while they'll be like "I've never met this man in my life" the next time I talk to them and I can't help but fin…

I think smalltalks just didn't bring you to the right topic, if you were to reach topic you both fancy, you would definitely remember each other. If anything, having a smalltalk is nicer than staying in awkward silence.

Re: My stages of learning to be a socially normal person

#294

Post by animal531 »

acuozzo wrote: post #96
donatj wrote: post #52

> The other day, someone told me, “I can’t imagine you ever being awkward with people.” I was telling my therapist of several years recently about being uncomfortable with the number of new people I've had to meet recently. He seemed surprised that I wasn't excited by it all and said something along the lines of "You seem like a very social person, that seems out of character." It struck me… am I really that good at…

> I have zero idea how to make small talk with people I haven't known for years. Forget small talk. Listen-- really listen --and engage with open ears. When it's your turn to talk, offer up an anecdote in reply if it's on topic or take the opportunity to pivot to a related topic you're passionate about. If you do the latter: do. not. info-dump. Give them a chance to play the game I just described to you from their si…

I myself also tend to do that, but that is a behavior that is seen by the majority/"normal" people as non-social, unless if you already know them very well or if you are the one initiating the conversation.

Listening to people means that you actively listening and supporting them in their conversation, not bringing up your own angles to it. When you do that it is perceived by most people as you trying to one-up them in the conversation, instead of what you're actually doing.

In your listed example its fine because you started the interaction, but let's turn it around and say you walked into a conversation where people are talking about downtown in ABC. You want to participate and remember that there was a blizzard there in '96, so you bring that up.

Most people will see that as severe ADHD, why are we now talking about a blizzard from 1996? We were just talking about about how DEF is happening in ABC later this month?

Pivoting has the same problem, there are social cues that display your role in the group. Just walking into a conversation while trying to pivot it to your interests is in general quite rude etc.

Re: My stages of learning to be a socially normal person

#295

Post by agos »

bolangi wrote: post #220
hypeatei wrote: post #75

The bit about him spilling olive oil onto someone's dress then playing it off with a flirtatious joke seems very strange to me. Maybe it's just my upbringing but trying to pull off a joke like that in a tense situation seems very risky. I would be worried about coming off unserious, indifferent, and sleazy while also stoking an even angrier reaction from the person.

Britney Spears did it in the music video for Toxic.

early 2000s Britney Spears could get away with a lot of things

Re: My stages of learning to be a socially normal person

#297

Post by Thossndjsj »

WolfeReader wrote: post #141
Thossndjsj wrote: post #134

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Most people from what I've seen don't want unique as much as they want somewhat famailiar. If it deviates too far away from that then they are repulsed, and I can give you an example right here. I'm going to commit suicide. I've known this for the last 15 years. It'll probably be another 10 years before I'll die, but I know my end is half laying down with a 1.5 inch nylon strap tied cinched on my neck and a tree trun…

Neither horrified nor accepting. What you have is mental illness. A healthy brain does not decide to kill itself. Please get help and do NOT wait for your elderly relatives to pass before making the call.

And thus my point is illustrated. Few seem to believe that wanting to die is a valid state of mind without some sort of physical or psychological malady.

And hence why as is often the point, being unique isn't a desired thing. Because most people don't want the frightening unfamiliarity.

Re: My stages of learning to be a socially normal person

#299

Post by SwtCyber »

Aurornis wrote: post #47

This post wasn't what I was expecting from the "socially normal" title. While there is a lot of self-reflection and growth in this piece, a lot of the points felt more like learning how to charm, manipulate, and game social interactions. Look at the first two subheadings: > 1: Connecting with people is about being a dazzling person > 2: Connecting with people is about playing their game The post felt like a rollercoa…

Yet the author isn't claiming to have started out with the healthiest mindset

Re: My stages of learning to be a socially normal person

#300

Post by HPsquared »

SwtCyber wrote: post #298

Accepting that connection is optional, not compulsory feels like the true sign of arrival. Not needing it to prove anything, not using it to fill a void, just being able to be, with or without it

Connection with any given person may be optional, but everyone should have at least some kind of social connections in this world.
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